My Rainbowfish Journey

About My Mother

2012-01-30T00:04:00.001-05:00

Early Wednesday morning Jan 25th 2012, my beloved mother passed away very peacfully. She was 96 and had several health issues, but at her age still had her mind. she was keenly aware of the things that interested her, such as the birds that visited the feeder at her window, the weather and what would be blooming or growing, what should be fixed for dinner according to the time of year, what would be nourishing. The activities of her children and grand children. Those were important to her.

My Mom had a long, good, life, starting in Montreal, Quebec where she did many things among them, piano, singing in church choirs, and community Oprah. She was a lady of principle, graciousness, faith, love, a true saint. I will miss her very much. I rise and call her blessed!

As for me, slowly I will pick up and carry on toward a new normalcy as we call it in grief share. Toward the life that I am called to, the path that is for me. I am comforted by my family, and friends who call and care for me. I am comforted by the memories of a life well lived that spoke life and love into my life. I am comforted by the Scripture where Jesus says "I will never leave you nor will I forsake you"

Mom, I rise and call you blessed before God and humankind.

Soli Deo Gloria

11-11-11 Veteran's Day

2011-11-11T10:22:00.001-05:00

Today we celebrate our Veterans! I recall as a child helping my father fly our flag each Veteran's Day. I learned about our country, my family heritage, and about the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month 1918, when WWI ended with the Armistice signing. Today we have military members fighting two wars, we have veterans of those and other wars struggling with health issues, finding jobs, and moving forward with their lives. Other than my vote, and voicing my support for our veterans to my senate, and Congress members, there is not much I can do. However, I always fly my flag on special days for our nation. Today I continue a tradition my father taught me and I am flying my flag. In honor of the service all our Veterans and military members. But Especially for the members of my family who have served from the Revolution to current day. I say THANK YOU!

Specifically to James, Branden, Chantal, Charles, George, my father,Thank you.

Also on this day I remember those service members who suffered because of Don't Ask Don't Tell and the policy that was before it. I celebrate the removal of that barrier.

Enjoy your lifestyle? Freedom? Vote? Thank a Vet!

National Coming Out Day

2011-10-11T21:32:00.002-04:00

In honor of National Coming Out Day, I want to say congratulations to all those who are on their journey of coming out. Its tough at times, but it DOES get better. To those who have made that journey I say lets keep moving forward. I'm glad I made the journey! I thank all those who have supported and encouraged!

My Three words "I CAME OUT" Here is a link to the song "Good Life"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEpEeAPwdgs

Happy October

2011-10-11T21:07:00.000-04:00

Its October already! Where has time gone? I remember when I was a child, I was always excited when October came...because of Halloween, dressing up and trick or treating. It was fun and I think it still is. As an adult, I have rediscovered Halloween in the last few years. You see when I was in a fundamental place, Halloween was dispised as a night for the devil and evil things. in those and many christian circles it still is. Now we still did fall festivities to provide a safe place for children on Halloween night but it was viewed differently.

A few years ago I was on staff at a church that had an All Saints day service, which was a new experience for me and helped me rediscover Halloween. Last year for the first time I participated in Trunk or Treat at my church, you should have seen the elaborate decorating of the trunks, it was fun and most of all a ministry to the kids and their families. I'm going to participate again this year. Since it is October, I'm including a video by Timbaland I think is appropriate for October. I like Timbaland, he is down to earth. I hope you enjoy it.

Church Stuff

2011-09-15T22:17:00.001-04:00

Rally day has come and gone...for this I am glad. That is the start of the Sunday school year. It was a great day but a lot of work for all involved. Well worth it though. We included a 9/11 remembrance which was very appropriate. People are funny, some thought the whole service should have been remembering 9/11. that would not have been appropriate, due to the fact it was a regular worship Service and it was Rally Day. People are people no matter where you go! Oh well that is church.

The speaker for our Senior group next week has had to cancel. So I have been asked if I can be the speaker. I'm going to talk about Chaplaincy. Though Ive been thinking and perhaps show and tell my Matchbox Toy collection. hmmm. Have to think about that one.

2011-09-04T19:19:00.001-04:00

Happy Labor Day everyone! Its Labor day weekend here in the U.S.A. The traditional end of summer, School starts in many places on Tuesday. I'm sure many parents will be glad to have their children back in the routine of school, and in a learning environment. Well have a great one everyone.

2011-09-01T10:51:00.000-04:00

Happy September! September is the beginning of my favorite four months of the year, They include special days, my birthday, my mother's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas. The Autumn is just a nice time to me. I enjoy the cooler temperatures, changing leaf colors, harvest festivities, church festivals, the sights, aroma's, and sounds of the various holidays. I just love and look forward to the season, as much as I do spring. September is the start of it all. Happy September!

Through the Storm

2011-08-30T07:41:00.000-04:00

Irene came and Irene went. I am Hurricane weary, it was a long and tedious time waiting out the storm. However, we were blessed. Yes there was flooding, wind damage, power outage. Some folks who own houses on the water had significant damage. But it was not as bad as it could have been. The fact our area had a moderate drought helped, the ground was not saturated as it is north of here. The fact Irene weakened to a category 1 helped. The fact that it jogged slightly west did not help. That meant we had more of the storm to contend with. not just a brushing. There was no damage at my apartment complex (other that limbs) I work in a Hospital so power was restored within hours not days, I live in a critical power grid so it was restored in hours not days. To have an Earthquake, and a Hurricane all in one week!

I pray for the folks in the Northeast who have experienced far more damage and devestation from Irene. It is a truly horrific thing to experience. Living here with the threat of Hurricane land fall is hard enough, to have one come through is another. To have one come through in an area that rarely experiences is something more than even that.

No matter where you go, there will be weather, and forces of nature that impact our lives. There is no escape.

Go Away Irene!!!

2011-08-26T11:49:00.002-04:00

Today I have to remind myself what it is about about this area that makes me want to live here! Hurricanes are fearsome, unpredictable, just plain dangerous to person and property! We expect 6-12 inches of rain = flooding, major high tides = more flooding, high winds 60 to 80 miles and hour = down trees and power lines. AND the storm does NOT come on shore here! So we prepare, canned food check, water check, batteries check, radio check. Oh and since I work at a Hospital, I will be there for the duration of the storm. possibly 2 days! At least I will have generator power there! Better food than I could at home under the circumstances...maybe.

Irene is 700 miles wide sustained winds of 115 miles an hour as of this writing. The picture below is what one looks like.

A Very Special Day August 13, 2011

2011-08-23T22:43:00.001-04:00

Well, as usual I'm way behind in my blogging. It has been a busy few weeks between work, and travel, a wedding, and travel then back to work. Whew!

Saturday August 13th my precious niece was married! Its hard to believe but she is now a married woman. Seems like just yesterday she graduated High School, she is now in her mid 20's! I was so blessed to be able to attend, and see her walk the isle with her father at her side in his dress whites, and see my handsome nephew escort my sister, his mother, to her seat. It was exciting, and quite a celebration.

It was an outdoor wedding, on the grounds of a castle, yes a castle! The reception took place in the upstairs ball room of the castle. It was a splendid day and evening. I can't think of a serious glitch. Something I have never seen before were chinese lanterns being lit and set aloft in the night sky with the moon as backdrop. What a sight! Below are a few pix of the wedding site, the castle, and the bride and groom's table.

Coming Out Again Part II

2011-07-26T22:53:00.000-04:00

Since I introduced this subject in my last post, I want to share that after much thought, and prayer. I decided it was safe, and appropriate for me to come out to the Pastor I work for. So I did! I set a meeting with him, and we sat down and I told him. It does not get any easier, especially with what might be at stake. He did not seem surprised, and we had a good discussion. He was affirming, even stated my being gay maybe part of the reason I was called to the church. "for such a time as this" The only thing he did ask is that if at some point I find myself in a relationship to let him know. So that if it were to come up he can say that he knew.

We had Session, last night. One of the conservative members of the church wrote a letter to the Session asking that there be an official response and position concerning Amendment 10A. This person would like to see the church become part of a "fellowship" of PCUSA churches being formed to "stand for Biblical standards". No action was taken, not much discussion either, I think the focus is on examining the biblical texts involved and going from there.

I have to say my gut tells me this "fellowship" of Churches could be the begining of a new Denomination. Only time will tell.

Coming Out Yet Again! Part I

2011-07-22T18:52:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the infrequency of posts, but life is hectic! In previous posts, I have mentioned the church I serve part time. Church work/ministry is a don't ask don't tell kind of working situation for a minister who is gay. As long as they dont know for certain it can work. You may have heard the PCUSA has past Amendment 10 A. Concerning Ordination of both Ruling and Teaching Elders. Although it does not specifically say it, this amendment to the Book of Order or Constitution, could open the door to Ordination of Gay and Lesbian Elders. It removes the marriage between a man and woman clause as well as the fidelity and chastity clause. It puts more emphasis on gifts, call, and preparation as well as making the decsion on ordination a local issue. Rather than mandating who, what, when and where. I thnk its a very good thing and could raise the bar on ordination.

Now this has caused quite a stir in the church, but my parish...not so much. That too is a good thing. It has created a dialogue particularly in the Session.(governing body) The Pastor with whom I serve is very gay friendly, as I said before we have a few members who either are gay or have family who are. Our Session has a Bible study the last 30 minutes of it's monthly meeting. For the next few months Scripture related to the issue of Homosexuality will be examined and discussed. I hope a positive consensus can be reached! Please check back for part two of this post.

2011-06-24T00:03:00.000-04:00

Where to begin? My life is so hectic, sometimes barely enough time to sit and take it all in. Other times too much time and I just sit not accomplishing a thing. I don't like either situation. Yet I like the adrenaline of the hecticness of my work? But it takes a toll, physically, mentally, emotional and spiritual. I miss my garden! There needs to be more balance in my life but how do I get there? Im an organizer, I like routine and schedules to follow. However, half my work mandates I hang loose, ready to run at a moments notice. The pager rules the day not the routine or schedule or plan for that particular day. Such is life!

The church seems to introduce a little sanity into hectic workstyle. At least most of the time. I am reminded of the Scripture in Mark where our Lord tells the disciples to come away to a secluded place and rest awhile. To find a way to do that!

wow! Not what I intended to write here tonight, but I suppose I needed to write this.

This Church is Different

2011-06-18T09:03:00.000-04:00

Never have I been in a church that is so open, willing to try new approaches to ministry. Not only that but enjoys diversity, we have folk here from varying backgrounds, and donominations even interfaith who attend or have become a part of this family of faith. yes, there are a few gay folk in this church, one teenager who is out. (I am not out there) I have been here over a year now, and have grown to know what a special place this is. They have challenged and allowed me to try new things, and think outside my theological box. (which is actually nothing new for me just moreso than before) This is a PCUSA church, so they are starting the discussion of the passage of Amendment 10A to the PCUSA Book of Order. Known as the gay amendment simply 10A. This will be interesting to watch, I am ordained as a Baptist so it may have little impact on me. I hope the Session will be as accepting of this as they are of so much. More later.

Books Books and more Books

2011-06-08T21:08:00.000-04:00

You don't realize how much stuff you accumulate until you go to move it. In my new place I have a room I am making into a study. Where all my books will be stored, well not all of them some are at the office. There are some books I am going to try and sell. These books, about 10 or 12 are of a verierty I dont use or need anymore. I think I'm going to join this site I've been looking through and see if I can sell them.

I love shopping online for the commentary set I am collecting, and using at the office. I found a used hard back in very good condition for $2.99, it will be $7.00 with shipping! The way to go.

Out In The Park

2011-06-06T21:30:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the annual Pride celebration for our locality. I did not go due to work related issues. Im sorry I missed it, because this year, the festivities were moved to a much larger and more prominant location in the downtown area. In fact it was on the front page of the of the local section of the paper today. In the past it was a little blurb in the Entertainment section. It also warranted mention

in the local TV news! Our local gay community is receiving some positive publicity. Its about time!

Moving Along

2011-06-01T21:04:00.000-04:00

May was moving month for me. I moved out of an apartment I had for three years, to a new apartment closer to the job I spend more time with. Wish I could buy a place but its not to be right now.I moved myself mostly with my little car, which was a challenge since it is small. What I was able to do before in 4 trips with my wagon took 10 times longer. Not to mention I could not move things I did before because they just would not fit! Oh well I thank God its done!

Right now I'm just resting a bit before I dive into unpacking and arranging things...Starting with the kitchen. Although I threw away stuff, I suspect more might go. Things I just dont need and have no attachment to.
No my Matchbox collection will NOT be on that list.

At the old place I learned I had to pay for carpet cleaning??? It was clean no spots, I kept it vaccuumed, still hmm. Money out of my pocket that to me should be normal maintence for an apartment. Well I'm tired and on call tonight so I think I'm going to bed.

more later.

Memorial Day Remember

2011-05-30T09:56:00.000-04:00

Take a moment to pause and thank God for this great nation and remember that our freedom is not free. It was paid for with the blood of those who died on the field of battle in every war since the Revolution. Those who fought and still fight today for equal rights, Today remember.

Staying Busy

2011-05-27T10:09:00.002-04:00

Its been awhile since my last post...AGAIN. Its been a busy month, in addition to working, I have been in the process of moving to a new place. I'm so glad I made the decision to move. Moving is alot of work, I dont have a lot of stuff, or so I thought until started moving it!

I will be closer to everything I've been going to regularly and so much will be in walking distance. On the downside, its farther from two medical centers I go to, but it all balances out in the end.

I hope you all have a good Holiday Weekend!

Carbon Footprint

2011-04-29T10:24:00.000-04:00

At church on Wednesday night we began our Spring CHOW, (Church On Wednesday). Theme is being green, I'm using the book "Green Church" (Cokesbury) along with information from "Stewardship of God's Creation."

I found a web site Carbon Footprint.com (http://www.carbonfootprint.com/calculator.aspx) That can calculate your carbon footprint, and suggests ways to reduce that including donations. My focus is what we can do to reduce our individual footprints. Specifically, reduce, reuse, recycle. It is as much spiritual as anything. For instance: Reuse, when I buy something new (a blessing to me)to replace something else, the thing that is replaced is given away, to a cloths closet, or the Salvation Army, or some other organization. Instead of sending it to the landfill. If it is not usable then I try find some other use for it.

My Carbon footprint, According to the above website, I calculated my footprint and it is 14.2 tons of carbon. The average in the U.S.A. is over 20 tons. The goal is to reduce this as much as possible, a world wide goal is to reduce it to 2 tons. So I continue to reduce, reuse, and recycle.

I hope the next five weeks of Spring CHOW will encourage the participants to be better stewards of God's creation.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T12:15:00.004-04:00

What a glorious morning it was this morning! I was on call last night but no calls, which is a mixed bag. The church was full, as you would expect on Easter Sunday, the music was glorious. I hope your Easter is special.
He
IS
RISEN!

HE IS RISEN INDEED!

2011 NOT 1511

2011-04-18T19:43:00.001-04:00

This is 2011 and I am so glad! The reason for this is simple, we are post renaissance, post reformation, post industrialization and products of the 20th century.

As a result we have a path to individual freedom and responsibility, a path for anyone to achieve his or her goals. to find their path, their way to life, love, God, or even happiness. For me personally, the opportunity to discover who I am and grow spiritually, emotionally, professionally...My path. More so than I did or could 10 or 15 years ago!

The church where I serve, has a Wednesday Bible study that is a prime example of this. We operate on the premise that this should be the place where one can come and ask any question, share any ideas and thoughts or experience without fear of being ridiculed. what I have witnessed thus far, it is, all are honored. We think deeply,pray hard and usually come up with more questions but we look to the Bible and the Holy Spirit for guidance and are not disappointed. In this group most are from our church, we have some who attend regularly from the Catholic church, the Methodist and Lutheran churches in our neighborhood. Some of the conversations we have, the ideas we consider, if it were 1511 and not 2011 would have us burned at the stake I'm sure. There is a freedom in that!

Yet, it is 2011, and still in parts of this world we have terrible oppression. Economic, political as well as religious oppression. In parts of this world the oppression of women and children is a way of life. There are death threats that are carried out based on religious belief. Even in these United States we have various forms of religious oppression, and its OK because of religious freedom. Or is it? In most cases folk submit themselves to it through a set of ideals they are taught and can escape when they become enlightened. In some cases if they are allowed to ask, and seek...At least in theory. Yet there are parts of our country where a set of beliefs are held to, if left unchecked, will carry our nation and legal system down a very difficult path. We must require all persons no matter of religion, race, creed, to live by our laws, and under our constitution. Yes, I am talking about Islamic communities in the United States. I hope and pray for a reformation of Islam, especially of fundamentalist Islam. Then we have people like the leader in Florida who burned a Quran, and the Westboro Baptist folk who picket everyone who is different than them. How does that show God's love? or love at all? It serves only to propagate hate often under freedom of religion, speech.

Galatians 3:28 and following "In Christ...there is no longer, Jew or Greek, Slave or Free, male or female, all are one in Christ..."

Think about it please.

The Library

2011-04-16T09:19:00.001-04:00

As a student, teacher, one with an inquisitive mind, I have a personal library of various theological books. In the past these books consisted mostly of conservative authors, until I began to grow out of that part of my life. Now when I buy a book it usually is from a more liberal and or reformed perspective. Lately I'm interested in reading about universal and quantum theologies. The teaching at my church has challenged me to think outside my baptist box more so than I already do.

As a result I have started purchasing a series of commentaries for my personal use. the Interpretation Bible Commentary for Teaching and Preaching. I am buying one a month, possibly more depending on the price I find. That is the fun part, searching Amazon, Barnes and Noble, CBD, for the best prices. I have purchased used in like new condition for as little a $7.00! The best way to buy.

I am also trying to sell a few commentaries I have that are bits and pieces of very conservative authors series. I have a complete set of New Testament by Hendricksen which I like and will use. I also have a set of Old Testament that is technical and useful in lesson preparation.

This has been and continues to be an interesting process growth for me.

Sundry thoughts

2011-04-15T18:46:00.000-04:00

Spring is here! I think, we do have a cold front coming through tonight. Who knows what that will bring us. Just a few weeks ago we had summer like weather one day, then winter like weather the next day, complete with sleet and snow flurries!

There are a number of things I have wanted to write about recently, but have lacked the time and exact words. Amongst them about the church I serve, my thoughts about things political, and there is the Rob Bell controversy.(I like Rob Bell) I will get to these at some point soon.

Next week is Holy Week, it will be a busy week! I am looking forward to the various services, but its extra work. I will be serving Lord's Supper Thursday night,it will be by intinction, and we will have a dinner afterward. The Session at my church has allowed me to serve Lord Supper, (I have served twice) and also serve as Liturgist. Both usually done by Presbyterian Elders.

My spring flowers are blooming, I see flowers and trees blooming all over. its such a pretty time of year. Hope you can enjoy it.

DONNA SUMMER - STAMP YOUR FEET remix 08

2011-03-11T18:10:00.001-05:00

I really like this song. Sometimes when I am discouraged about things in my life, be it work, health, finances or other issues that bother me. I will look this song up on the internet and play it. I hope you enjoy it. Its a good thing.

Friday Musings

2011-01-21T13:24:00.000-05:00

After a brief foray into the 50's, the thermometer is starting to plunge again. A cold front came through last night and whisked away the warmth. One nice thing is it took the clouds with it! At least the predicted "rain/sleet/snow" never materialized. It moved north for all those in New England who have already had more snow than is typical in winter.

One interesting point, Yesterday I noticed a flock of Robins in the apartment yard. Wow back so soon? Just passing through? Does this mean an early spring? Well who knows.
On another note, I attended a meeting last night at a Hospital for which I work. Chaplains are an interesting bunch! I heard another Hospital (not in a system I work for) Is looking for a flex pool Chaplain. Its close to my apartment, but I'm not interested. Its only 8 hours a week, plus some on call. The interesting thing is they have had 50 or more applicants. People seem to be working hard to get into this field, but around here the jobs are few and you can forget about full time.
With Healthcare Reform? Budget cuts? Who knows

My Plantdom!

2011-01-17T14:46:00.000-05:00

Plants are wonderful, soothing, and enjoyable. I was looking around at my plants, and counted 20 plants in my container garden both inside and outside. Its quite a task to water them all; but I love it. One day some will be planted in my own yard. I have a few plants flowering right now. (pictured below) among them are a Begonia (brought in from the patio in the fall) an African Violet, my Peace Lilly just finished a cycle of flowers. Outside I have three containers of Pansies in blossom, and my Camellia has numerous blossoms. My newest addition is a little Holly plant. I also notice my Rhododendron has a few big blossom for this spring.

The Power of the Internet

2011-01-16T14:37:00.000-05:00

This past week we heard in the news the results of what is being called the "Twitter Revolt." Where Twitter was used to encourage, organize a revolt against the repressive regime in Tunisha. You know what? IT WORKED! Wow, the internet has grown to become such a powerful tool. The key word here is tool. Twitter is something I have thought was useless progigation of trivial information. Here is accomplished something very big! It can be a good thing or it can be not so good to down right dangerous. a positive tool, to find a job, a place to live, research for education, research products. It can also be a tool for negative as we here so much more about. The question is where do we go from here? That is answer I am looking for. My hope is the internet and social networks will be used more often for good.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2011-01-02T17:59:00.001-05:00

A Happy 2011 to everyone! I hope you had a safe and exciting celebration. Me? I actually slept in 2011. That is until I was called at 02:00. When I was on the road, I noted there were quite a few cars on the road at that hour of the night. People on way home from parties.

I hope 2011 is filled with positive experiences and good health, and anything negative is out numbered by the positive!
I encourage you just as I encourage those for whom I work, to keep praying, (I Thes. 5:17) Pick a new devotional to read through this year,have a reading plan, dig a little deeper into the Scripture. Consider using a study guide or commentary to help with this. Dig deeper, grow stronger in 2011.

Be Blessed and safe!

Christmas 2010

2010-12-24T19:36:00.001-05:00

To all who view this blog, here is wishing you a blessed and merry Christmas! Be safe, may you have all the things that make Christmas special for you.
Let Your Light Shine! Peace

The Purpose of Being Sick

2010-12-10T19:59:00.000-05:00

Sometimes your body says "Just STOP" I am there and its both restful but frustrating because there is sooo much to accomplish! Decorating I should do so I have Christmas at home. Shopping to do so I can get a box or two off in the mail. Then there are work related projects, its Advent after all! I did get the Advent Devotion completed, ended up doing three printings! I participated in Bethlehem Walk on Sunday, the local TV news came through and I was on the local news! Of course they did not broadcast my lines, I was a Rabbi. There are extra hours at the Hospitals too. I missed the Christmas lunch there! grr I hate missing out of food. However, I am stuck at home with no voice, and a cough. The good news is I don't have a fever, don't "feel" sick. Just low and squeaky voice, with periods of tiredness and the occasional cough attack. It is improving but slowly. I guess my body is saying it needs rest, no on-call, no meetings, no 12 hour shift. Just research online, reading blogs, napping, catching up on a book about Quantum Theology. more napping, feeding my news Habit and more napping. BORING, I'm ready to go back to work.

Busy Season

2010-12-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

December is here! Wow where did time go? Next thing we know it will be January. This is the first Advent and Christmas season at the new church job. This church is unique, they do so many different and very creative things. This weekend is a gift to the community program about the birth of Christ. This program is done together with the Catholic church across the street! Next week there is the Christmas concert, lessons and Carols on the 19th. That night we have our staff dinner at the pastor's home. Christmas Eve, there will be two services. I will be on call for the Hospital both Christmas and New Years Eve. then I am working in house for both Holidays. So on Christmas I will be on call from the church for the Candlelight service. New Year's Eve I will be on call from a friends house.

It will be a busy month! so ready...set...GO!

The Elephant in the Room: Election Results

2010-11-05T22:35:00.002-04:00

Now that the election is over, and we are a few days out of it. I want to comment. First, I will be very interested to see the data on voter turn out once all the numbers are in and tabulated. There is a lot of talk going around about the anger of the voter, but anger at what or who? The fact is if you look at WHO is going to Washington and be in the majority; its the SAME old faces. The same old politics, the same old policies. One race, Ohio voters are sending to congress the man who was Budget Director in the Bush Whitehouse. The Republican party will be in control of the House. I strongly believe it was these Republican policies of less government oversight that brought about the various conditions which led to our economic crisis. These angry voters are sending the same old same old back to Washington!
You can do the same thing over again and expect a different result.

October 29

2010-10-29T10:28:00.000-04:00

Today is October 29, a day just like any other except today would have been my father's birthday. Oct 29, 1897 he would have been 113. He died suddenly April 9th 1976. A lot of thoughts going through my mind today, about life, goals, family, hopes, and some fear as well. Fear of what might happen, or what might not happen that I hope will happen. I know I'm vague but don't want to be specific, I can't really put it into words.

Faith is what is important to me on days like today. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I know the one who holds my future. Jer 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans not for calamity but for your welfare to give you a future and a hope"

A Great Project

2010-10-25T12:32:00.001-04:00

The It Gets Better video project is a great and amazing project. I listened to a number of the videos I noticed the number and range of people participating is of a wide variety. The President, Secretary of State, religious leaders from differing backgrounds, including Gene Robinson. Then there are the regular folks who are willing to share their stories of how it gets better. All in an effort to give hope and encouragement to anyone struggling with their sexuality, and thinking of harming themselves.

you can view them at http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject#p/f/571/zpOq1HMDQKw or Google "it gets better if that does not work"

I struggled for years, but thankfully never got to the place where I considered harming myself. When I finally did get to the place where I accepted myself, the peace I experienced is indescribable. It truly does get better.

There will always be tyrants, and bullies, but we can change how we allow them to impact us. Perhaps one day gay bashing in any form will become a hate crime in every state and locality.

Crazy Politics

2010-10-24T22:29:00.000-04:00

In yesterday's newspaper there was a small article about the republican congressional candidate in Dallas Texas. Stephen Broden, a local Pastor running for the seat, made the statement on T.V. that if the election did not produce a change in leadership he would not rule out the violent overthrow of the government as an option. WHAT??? This is the United States, we don't do that here. We have a system of elections, all people have to do to change the government is get out and vote for their candidate. That has to be the most anti-democracy statement I have heard from a candidate running for congress. That is the same kind of extremism as the Taliban. So if you don't like the leadership, the election does not go your way, you can violently overthrow them? What about the majority who voted? There is a very vocal minority who is trying to push its will on people based on religious or political beliefs. We ALL don't believe the same way. Its our right.

I certainly hope this person does not get elected. Just what our country does not need in my opinion.

What about Tolerance?

2010-10-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

What about tolerance? I used to think that in order to be tolerant I had to compromise my belief. How wrong I was! Tolerance is about accepting, working with, and assisting a person as they are, where they are. It appears society is becoming more and more intolerant. Much of this intolerance exists along the lines of religion, and sexual orientation. Consider a small church pastor being thrust on the world stage for his threat to burn the sacred book of another faith group. Consider the volatile minority of a faith group in its persecution of women, and people who do not belong or fit their mold. Recently there was the brutal attack on a homosexual person, at the same time a political candidate articulating what I consider to be hate toward the homosexual community. We have a political group vocalizing fear, anger, and again I think hate. This list could go on and on.

Where is tolerance? This is the 21st century after all. My growth both spiritual and personal occurred when I learned to accept myself the way God made me. Then I became open and accepting of people whoever they are. Additionally my work in the Hospital greatly helped me grow. Now I am a reformed Christian, or in the words of a Biblical scholar reformed and being reformed. I suggest that if folk would look beyond themselves and their group and think through what they believe and why. Perhaps find a way to accept something about them-selves. They might be more open, and perhaps find more peace and satisfaction in life.

A Code and a Crisis

2010-10-07T20:55:00.000-04:00

Recently, I responded to a code blue in the ER. I never know what I'm walking into when the pager goes off. I walked into the room where the patient was, everything seemed "normal" for a code. The staff was busy caring for the patient, doing the work they do. Suddenly outside the room a colleague was frantically wanting to enter. I had to restrain this person. That is when I heard who the patient was.

One look confirmed the patient was one of our own...I knew the patient. This is not the first time this has happened over the years, and it wont be the last. The patient was young, vibrant, with young children. I spent hours with family, several coworkers, and doctors came by. This community pulls together and supports one another in the moment of need yet,we must put off dealing with our own issues. After all its the ER, there is always the next patient who needs us. The hardest was helping family try to explain to the children why "mommy wont wake up"

The Hospital had a memorial service in the chapel, and did a Critical Incidence debriefing as well. Its seems like everything should stop, at least pause for a moment to reflect. The reality is life keeps moving and we keep moving with it. Yet circumstance and our body and spirit demands we pay attention to our emotions, our health, our spirit. If not how can we be there for others?

In memoriam.

My Theology: A Word about Confession and Sanctification

2010-10-04T22:26:00.000-04:00

Confession is good for the soul is a popular saying. However, it is also very true. there are three types of confession in my life. Confessing my faith, as found in the Book of Confessions, that is confessing what I believe about God, Jesus Christ. Who God is, Father, Creator. It is also confessing my needs, my dependence on God. Then there is confession of sin. Its not confessing in order to be forgiven; rather its confession agreeing with God what he already knows about me. forgiveness of God for my sin has already been given by the grace of God. Confession is only agreeing with God and receiving forgiveness already given. No part of anything I do earns God's favor. God is sovereign and he gives forgiveness to on the basis of his grace. Not on the basis of anything I do or confess. A good example is Isiah 6. The prophet, experiences God, his response is to bow down and confess his sin, his need. God gives forgiveness. The fact that the prophet was in the presence of God is by God's sovereign plan. The prophet's response is to surrender to God's call and plan. Sanctification is our response to god's grace, a process of living a life forgiven and fulfilling God's purpose and will for each of us. Soli Deo Gloria!

My Theology: Grace

2010-10-03T18:34:00.003-04:00

Next I need to tackle the issue of forgiveness, grace and salvation. In some Christian circles it is taught that the homosexual has no place in God's kingdom. either by being or living. The teaches there must be complete repentance and abandonment of anything to do with one's "forbidden" sexuality. Often therapy to change a person from gay to straight if offered or in some cases demanded. I do not want this writing to become a commentary on those beliefs and practices. Rather I am setting forth what I believe, what I have learned through the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Therefore, I have to state, the only thing that separates us from God is sin. The only thing that separates one eternally from God; is rejecting God's offer of salvation by grace through Jesus Christ. Romans 8:1, tells us once one is in Christ, “there is now no condemnation”. Further, Ephesians 2: 8-9 teaches that “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; and that not as a result of works that no one should boast.”

To say otherwise means that God's grace, the work of Christ on the cross is not sufficient. To say that would mean our God is not as sovereign as we say he is. This is not the truth or the power of God I have experienced in my life. Jesus spoke as recorded in John 14:6a, and said "He is the way the truth and life. The Bible also states in John 8:32 "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free". The there is Romans 10:9-10, which very clearly state that if one hears, believes and responds he or she is redeemed. So this speaks to me that God's grace covers each person according to their need of grace. The who so ever will receive will be received. When we are received we are sealed with the Holy Spirit according to Eph 1:13. What Jehovah Tsidkenu does is for eternity.

My Theology: Born this way

2010-09-30T21:27:00.001-04:00

The question I wanted an answer for, that I sought to understand is; where does homosexuality come from? Is it a choice? Is it learned? Or is it something more basic like in the DNA that makes us?

First, I can say without any doubt in my mind and heart that homosexuality in NOT a choice. Think of it, who would choose to be someone that is discriminated against? That is thought of by many as “contrary to nature”? Who would choose not to have the right to marry the one he or she loves? In many sectors of society be looked down upon? Who? Plus if there were a choice one could choose not to, and change. There is scientific data which I am told shows same sex attraction is not learned or chosen. It is in one’s make up. It’s a chromosome gene.

Why? What is the purpose? That is a question for which I have no answer other than through the eyes of my faith to say… the Sovereignty of God. It’s a God thing.

Two places in the Old Testament come to mind when thinking of this. First, Jeremiah 1:5a which states “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. And before you were born I consecrated you” Not trying to be out of context, I must note this is referring to Jeremiah’s call to ministry. However, it also shows us how God the father knows us and he is active in our creation. In forming us; and knowing us.

Further, Psalm 139 in its entirety. The first portion talks about God’s knowledge of us, verse 1, “Lord you have searched me and known me” verse 2b, “You understand my thoughts from afar” The in verse 3 “You are intimately acquainted with all my ways” Wow! The passage goes on to describe how God knows us, there is no place on earth we can go to escape the gaze of God or his knowledge of us.

In verse 13 the Psalmist writes, “For you formed inmost parts; you wove me in my mother’s womb.” This is the most compelling point for me when the scripture states that the God of the universe formed my inmost parts, wove me. Couple that with the verse from Jeremiah, and I understand better. God formed, made, molded my inmost parts would include my DNA, the chromosome gene, my personality, my gifting and ability, and my sexuality. In his Sovereign knowledge of me God knew from the very beginning I would be gay. He placed the substance there in me that would make me who I am.

To say God the father would not do that or could not do that is to say God the father is not as is Sovereign as we say he is. I believe by faith that God created me gay, that I was born to be a Christian gay and consecrated from the womb to the work I do. Gay or straight, I believe the same is true for you too.

My Theology Lev 20:13

2010-09-30T12:59:00.003-04:00

There are a number of issues to talk about when considering biblical theology from a Christian gay perspective. Among them is what to think about Leviticus 20:13? Is homosexuality learned or in one’s make up? Is being or acting gay a sin which is unforgivable? It was not until I began wrestling with my own theology, studying scripture and reading various theologians and listening to the Holy Spirit speak to my heart, instead simply accepting what I heard or was taught; did I begin to understand what our Lord was saying to me. What it meant to me, develop my own systematic theology.

Let me say a word about my method of study. In examining scripture I usually read the passage in several versions to see the differences in wording. Then often I would read several commentaries coming from differing views ie conservative to more liberal. I also used resources to understand culture and history.

This writing is my attempt to verbalize in a systematic way my theological belief relating to homosexuality. It will be presented in several different posts dealing with specific scripture and issues. This is not nor is it meant to be an academic presentation, but rather a statement of what I have come to accept and believe as a Christian who is gay. My personal growth points in coming out.

Leviticus 20:13. “If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have committed an abomination. They must be put to death, their blood in on their own hands” (HSB)

Often this verse is lifted out of the passage and used as if it stands alone. To do this ignores verses 1 through 21 of the passage plus the passages which precede and follow. That is never good exegesis. When considering Jewish law, history and context, several issues are raised. This was written in a time and culture when the nation of Israel was concerned about survival, purity, and idol worship. In the surrounding nations there was idol temple prostitution both heterosexual and homosexual often used and accepted as a form of worship to particular Idols. This was in direct violation of "you shall have no other God before me" commandment. Also if men had sex with men or women with women, there was no procreation for the nation. This verse is part of a passage of scripture that is speaking to the issues of procreation, aspects of Idol worship, ceremonial uncleanliness. Many of the rules set forth in this and other passages like it (such as not wearing wool, eating shell fish, or various meats) are no longer used or relevant to the life of God’s people.

To take this verse and used it without consideration of the rest of the passage, examining history, culture takes it out of context and often makes it a pretext. I don’t believe this single verse speaks to the issue facing the church and Christian homosexuals in the 21st century.

The New Thing

2010-09-29T22:03:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since my last post! I need to be more consistent as I used to be.

Well, here it is. I know better than to say never. But I did. In past posts I said no to church employment, no to going in that direction. Well, our Lord has such a sense of humor, such a way of guiding, leading, teaching.

In May I joined the staff of a local Presbyterian church as the part time Coordinator of Christian Education for Adults. Funny uh? A Baptist minister serving a Presbyterian church! This church is a very open church, the pastor is liberal theologically and politically. Most of the church is theologically liberal or open. Yet, they have a high view of Scripture, a high Christiology, they think through what they believe and not just accept what they are told. I have been there 5 months now and I tell you i have been challenged, accepted, loved, taught. I have worked hard on programs, and projects. I am learning to rethink old ways of thinking. There is so much I could say about this new experience there is not room or time to write it. I thank God for this experience.

My Faith

2010-05-23T20:37:00.003-04:00

Sometime ago I started sharing my personal statement of faith. Well I think the Apostles Creed states what I believe most effectively. Its the basics that are most important, I can work, and fellowship across denominational lines. Those traditions that separate us are not important enough keep me from working with others. At the Hospital I have to work with folks across all lines. Here I am placing the creed here, however there are specific doctrines that I want to speak to in future posts.

One of the things that I find bothersome about the denomination of my youth, is the practice of not working with or fellowshiping across denominational lines. There seems to be an emphasis on doctrinal purity and telling folk what to believe instead of teaching how to develop their own theology and gifts for service is unhealthy. Here is the Creed

I believe in God the Father almighty, maker of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, God's only son, our Lord who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilot, was crucified, died, buried, descended to the dead. Rose again on the third day,he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of God the Father. He will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church,the communion of the saints, the forgiveness of sin, the Resurrection of the body and everlasting life. AMEN.

Changes

2010-05-20T06:39:00.002-04:00

Wow has it been that long since my last post? So much has occurred in my life since February! I will be sharing some of it here in the near future. I recall several posts where I said the "never" word. Well I should know by now you never say never! I will share more about that later too. It seems when you say never our Lord says Really... my plan for you includes the never item. God surely has a sense of humor!

Its has been a time of uncertainty, my path obscured by my thoughts, fears, misconceptions. They do get in the way! My how God opens things up when we surrender and whoosh its done. I truly stand amazed in the presence! I am in a different place now. Still adjusting

I will share more when there is time to write.

Haiti "Orphan" Questions

2010-02-02T10:19:00.002-05:00

The news report stated that the ten Baptist mission people were taking orphans across the border to a safe place. The news also showed these missionaries in jail, which one quoted Scripture in chains for Christ. I hardly agree. Sounds to me like they went around the street picking up children, not getting them from an official orphanage, not only that but they failed to follow official channels and regulations for taking the children over the border. That is just wrong! I don't question the motives, but ignorance of the procedures, lack of planning, not following regulations is no excuse.

Mission organizations normally do a good job of navigating the regulatory process. This is just stupid. At least that's what I think about it all. I hope this won't impede other good mission organizations from making a true difference.

Winter Saga Continues

2010-02-01T16:53:00.001-05:00

I did not drive anywhere over the weekend. I tried to find a ride to the Hospital yesterday to no avail. we worked it out though, two who lived close to each facility covered on call, I was the clearing house. All calls came through me, if it met the criteria then I passed it on.

Today its warmer melting a lot but not enough. I'm afraid it will just refreeze tonight. so the sage continues. We may get a wintery mix tomorrow, I pray not, let it be warmer and be rain O Lord.

Oh I'm thinking about starting a separate blog just to write about my search for a boyfriend. I might do that.

It SNOWED

2010-01-30T18:16:00.002-05:00

Well I awoke at 03;30 this morning and looked out. No snow. When I awoke and looked out the ground was covered! We have around 7 to 8 inches on the ground. Its exciting and fun. I did not expect the forecast to work out, I hope we get enough that people are not expected to be on the roads.
Its very dangerous, I have never driven on snow and don't plan on it now. people around here drive like there is no snow, ice, or rain. They are NUTS! I canceled the service at the assisted living, but I'm supposed to be on call tomorrow night. I'm nervous about that.

I did go out and walk around, it was cold, wet but pretty. The snow makes it very quiet, but it has stopped now, RATS. I want it to snow enough so the Governor will declare a curfew and not allow people on the roads.

We shall see.

Snow Update

2010-01-29T22:33:00.002-05:00

Well weekend classes at the local colleges and universities are canceled for the weekend. Many of the weekend activities planned, like a fundraiser for Haiti, sporting events, ect have all been postponed. People have crowded the stores and bought up supplies.

All this and there is NOT a flake in the sky!!

So I expect snow on the ground when I get up in the morning.

Big Question: Is it gonna SNOW?

2010-01-29T17:08:00.002-05:00

Ok at least its the big question in theses parts. They predict snow then it either rains or it does nothing at all. All week the weather people have been saying this is going to be a snow EVENT??? What does THAT mean??? We average maybe an inch of snow a year around here, lots of times it turns to ice... I hate ice except in my tea. an inch of snow shuts this town down!

Today, Ive heard we are getting between 2 inches and a foot of snow. A foot of snow is a lot for this area. earlier in the week it got up to 70 degrees! now we are getting up to a foot of snow? Another thing the robin birds are back, its early this year. a foot of snow?

All my life I've heard if you don't like the weather in Tidewater, wait five minutes and it will change. This should be an interesting weekend!

Oh one other thing, a friend and I went shopping last night, i need a new umbrella, I found one I was tempted to buy. A rainbow one. My friend asked if I was gonna buy it, then asked if I would use it. he was worried that I would..use it. He is concerned about the places I go using a rainbow umbrella, concerned I would out myself to the wrong person, and or be bashed. I was still tempted to buy it.

The Path Less Taken

2010-01-18T12:41:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine did the most incredibly courageous thing yesterday. I am so proud of him, he has worked toward this for so long. I am reminded that God directs our steps as we follow Him, how awesome our God truly is! He lights our path. No two people travel the exact same paths, similar yet different. Ours as Christians is a path less traveled, as a Christian gay the path is different. Faith in the most High God and His son Jesus Christ is what light the path. Its the key. Hope in Christ sustains us, love nurtures us. Faith, Hope Love, the greatest is love, it never dies.

Car Issues Resolved

2010-01-08T22:27:00.002-05:00

Just a quick post to say Praise God and to say thank you to anyone who prayed. I traded my Taurus in for an 07 Nissan Versa 4 door hatch back. it has low miles and a warranty. i was financed! I have to get used to driving it, and where things are on it. I thought I was turning on the lights but was turning on the windshield wipers instead. lol.

This car get 35 miles to the gallon, which is good with all the driving I do. My wagon got 19 miles to the gallon. That savings helps me make the car payment. They said they are going to junk the Taurus, it served its purpose and served me well. after all I got 175600 miles out of it. It got me to and from the Hospital at all hours of the day and night.

Again I Praise God, Thank God and thank you for your prayer support. God does make a way when we walk by faith!

Confession Time

2010-01-08T10:45:00.002-05:00

Some plans for this year, I going to write a series of posts on the plan of action. 2010 is for refocusing and accomplishing. It will be looking to education/ professional growth, spiritual growth, Health/fitness, financial. Anything else that comes up along the way.

First, my car is still an issue, I've decided to try and trade it, if I can get financing. If not, I will take it to another repair shop and see what can be worked out. In the meantime I'm driving it only for work, and praying. I pray our Lord shows me the way and gives me strength and courage to go that way. God will make a way, He always does! He is my provider.

Confession time: Along with the plans I'm trying to make, I recognize a need in my life not to allow uncertainty, fear, finances or opinion to deter me from what I sense is God's direction for my life. Its part of a big reason I have not accomplished what I feel I should have by now. Its a big part of why I did not begin to deal with my sexuality until I was in near forty! Its result is standing still doing nothing. That has to stop! Faith is the key to follow God's direction.

I grew up fearing the what if's, fearing life! I thought I overcame that; until the last few years I had. Now its crept back in and its result where I'm am today, not risking, not living. Yet in many ways I am a risk taker. In these same years I came out after all. I found my voice, yet at times I'm still afraid to use it! I should go back to counseling to talk about these issues. I will this year as God provides.

2010 The Year Ahead

2010-01-08T09:58:00.003-05:00

First, moving forward in my education and professional life is at the forefront of my mind for this year. I want to make real progress toward my degree and have something completed by years end.

Its time for me to be certified for Bereavement with the Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC), I put it off too long thinking I "need" a degree to do that. So the next exam is in November. Until then I have to work on the remaining CEU's I need. They require 60 I have 45, I'm either going to take a college course (3 credit = 45 ceu's) or take a seminar that is in February and then a series of courses online with the Hospice College. I have to plan for this both in academic preparation and financial preparation.

Certification will be a plus with opportunities for added hours leading support groups and memorials. It may even open a door for a Bereavement Coordinator position with a Hospice or some such organization. Its really so simple, I should have done it long ago.

In addition, I want to take the Miller Analogies Test, there are two testing sites locally, I just have to find out when and how much it cost so I can prepare for it as well. This will help me get into the graduate programs I hope to start. I feel led to apply for admission to a Master of Theology at St. Leo University. I have written about this before. Its not the M.Div, its much shorter, I have not accomplished much of anything toward that degree. I think it shows its time to take another route. Counseling is still a goal, but the theology program needs to be first.

I am praying for the Lord's direction in my financial life. A plan for giving, saving, paying. I want to house to be in order in 2010. I may write more about that later.

My new car runs well, I drove all weekend and only used a half a tank of gas. Very Good.

The Car

2010-01-05T19:28:00.003-05:00

The original plan for this post was to be my plan of action for 2010. However, something more pressing has come up. You see I own a 2001 Taurus wagon that has 175,000 miles on it. It has been a very good dependable car, I have no complaints. I live in an area where a dependable car is essential for getting to and from anywhere. We have a very poor public transportation system.

In 2007 I had to replace a gasket which cost $1200. In 2008 I had another $600 repair, in the fall of 2009 I had another $700 repair. Now just a few months later it appears I need to spend another $700 for a water pump, and pulley and some other thing. The shop did not give me a written estimate. Which is fishy to me. This time I do not have the $700, I applied for one of those 90 days same as cash things but was declined. When I told the shop I could not do anything today they told me they did not recommend me driving the car. It scared me, I DEPEND on my car! As I look back on it I wonder if it was not just a scare tactic? Or could it be real.

As I prayed about this today I am not sure I should put anymore money like that in this car. I have been feeling its time to replace it with a newer model. At least new to me.

Here is my dilemma, I am giving serious consideration to filing bankruptcy, chapter 7. I am considering this to protect my income, my rent, utility payments, food gas and such. I now see that continuing to try and pay off my creditors which I have fallen behind on, which has made the debt higher, appears to be throwing good money after bad. Money that has been reduced due to reduced hours. I fear I may need protection from the financial jackals if you will. I have even reduced what I give to the Lord's work and save for emergencies, which I am feeling convicted and conflicted about, to pay on these credit cards. Cards which I might add I have NOT used in several years. I don't use credit cards anymore.

How will the purchase of another vehicle impact this potential filing? even if I can get another vehicle. I don't want to do anything wrong or lose the newer car with no way of replacing it.

I am praying this through and seeking wisdom. If you read this and are a person of faith please pray for me to know the right direction to go. If you have any words of wisdom I am open to hear it. I never thought I would ever be in a predicament of this kind. I am reaping the fruit of unwise decisions and don't want to go there again!

thanks and God Bless.

2009 Reflection

2010-01-05T15:15:00.003-05:00

Here it is already the 5th of January and I'm just getting around to writing my reflection on the last year!

2009 was the best and worst of times in my life. Best in that I was able to grow in my spirituality and grow so much more comfortable in my sexuality. Peace with God and myself in this area grew amazingly. In 2009 our Lord enabled me to keep my two jobs, and grow my experience in the Hospital ministry to where I feel I am truly making a difference in many ways. In keeping the jobs I was also enabled to keep a roof over my head, heat, light, food and keep a car on the road.

2009 was the worst of times in that I had my hours in one job cut in half. This has made things tenuous at times down right scary! I was not able to secure alternate employment, not even in retail or substitution. Things are truly hard all over. Financially, the year saw the erosion of my savings. Money that was supposed to go for education expenses. It also saw me become behind in credit payments. This is an issue that must be dealt with in 2010. More on that later.

I'm glad we are in a new year, gives a chance for fresh thinking and direction.
HAPPY NEW YEAR

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T23:04:00.004-05:00

Pictured from top to bottom My candlelight celebration, My patio lights, My church on Christmas Eve

And the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us! John 1:14

There was a great light!

Merry Christmas everybody!

Peace to you, grace from our Father in Heaven.

The Tree!

2009-12-23T21:17:00.003-05:00

Soon after Thanksgiving I put up my outside lights. just a few strands around my potted plants.
I enjoy turning them on and it makes a nice display. Its fun, I used to decorate the outside of our house with lights and a large lighted wreath. a part of me misses those days even though I was locked up in myself!

I did not put up my tree this year since I was going out of town for Christmas, and I just was not in the mood.

Now that I am staying here I decided to put up the small table top tree, its a charlie brown tree but I put a few ornaments I like on it and its lit up so it will be nice. I set out some candles as well, for Christmas Eve . I'm going out in the morning to buy some food for dinner, Breakfast Christmas morning. Christmas dinner will be with my group of friends, which will be nice.

Home for Christmas

2009-12-23T10:58:00.002-05:00

This Christmas was to be the one I would spend with my family, mother(94) sister, her family, and brothers. However, because of the weather, I will not be making the trek to the mountains. Not because of difficulty getting there but difficulty getting back for work on the weekend.

I was looking forward to seeing my mother and sister, and us all being together this Christmas. the food, (especially the cookies) but now plans have changed. Gone are the days when we lived in the same area. Oh well.

I will just have to make the best of it here, at least I will be able to attend my church service Christmas Eve, and I am looking for another Carol and Candlelight service to attend late that night. Then I will have dinner with my group for friends Christmas night. I will miss my mother though!

There is a reason for everything!

Open and Affirming Churches

2009-12-17T16:55:00.002-05:00

I have been looking around the internet for denominations and specific churches that are gay open and affirming. A very good resource is a web site http://www.gaychurch.org/. It lists churches of all sorts in every state. Unfortunately in my area there are very few to choose from. I visited two in the past. The worship styles were very different, even from what I'm used to. There is an MCC locally I have yet to visit.

Some inclusive Denominations I am aware of are

United Church of Christ, however its up to each local congregation to decide if they are inclusive or not. There are 10 or so in my area but only two advertise themselves as open and affirming.

Disciples of Christ, a very open denomination, I like them, and considering them.

Metropolitan Community Church, A denomination started to reach out to the LGTB community. It also attracts a number of straight people as well. Not sure if the National Council of Churches recognizes them... they should.

The Episcopal Church in USA has made great strides in being more inclusive. This year with the church position on ordaining Bishops who are gay. There are parish Priests who live openly.

The Lutheran Church is working toward being more inclusive officially, there are individual Parishes who are very inclusive, of their clergy as well.

I found a website for Baptist Churches, http://www.rainbowbaptists.org/ This amazes and pleases me to know there are Baptists out there that are this progressive, but there none in my area. Some churches in every denomination have moved toward inclusiveness, The Presbyterian church is a good example of this.

These are a few that I am aware of. Are there others? I will continue to look for a a church home I can be open in and with.

More On church Employment

2009-12-16T11:57:00.002-05:00

In thinking about working for a church, I think there is an instance when it could work well for me.

If the church is an open and affirming place, understands the need and desire for a relationship, and the position is one which allows me to exercise my personal call and gifts; then it could work very well and be a place of growth and service.

Allow me to unpack the above for a moment.

A. Open and affirming, would be a place where I could be safe and comfortable coming out and everyone knowing and being comfortable with me as a person and my serving there. Is there such a place that is truly open and affirming?

B. Desire for a relationship encompasses many thoughts and life issues. The main point here is serving a place where they know, understand and accept my seeking a relationship and dating as a gay man, a minister in their church family.

C. Most importantly, it would be a place which allows me to minister freely using my gifts, and fulfilling my call in their midst. This means a secure staff position which involves providing pastoral care, counseling, leading and training leaders to facilitate support groups of various kinds, a Stephen ministry, discipleship and spiritual direction ministries. The opportunity to lead in Worship from time to time. All in a place where I can also learn and grow continuing my journey of self discovery.

Somewhere in the world there is a place where at least some of the above is available. but for it all to be there would make it a "perfect church", on earth that does not exist.

A Decision NO to Church Employment

2009-12-12T22:18:00.002-05:00

In my job search I have watch for church related jobs which I might feel a sense of call to. Yet in the back of my mind there is an uneasiness about applying for any job in a church. This has bothered me until I prayed about it and thought this through.

I have come to the conclusion that for me a job in a church will not work for me. At least right now. The reason for this is simple, unless the church is a completely open and affirming I would not fit in. Open and affirming is hard to find in these parts. I would always be concerned about being outed, and the consequences or that event.

The consequences I am very concerned about, first the loss of income, job, and so forth. There is a consequence that goes deeper, that is how my being outed in even a liberal setting would effect those I would serve. I have seen how something like that has impacted a church in my younger years and it was very painful for all involved. I am acutely aware of the spiritual implications and wish to avoid that situation if at all possible.

Now my current ministry setting is completely different. As long as my personal life does not impact my work, there is no problem. The other thing is if I took a call to a church, I would not be able to totally be me, I would be fearful of going to a gay club, (not wanting to be seen going to or from by someone connected with the church.) fearful of being seen with my tranny or obviously gay friends for the same reason. I don't want that for me or them. then there is the issue of sex. If I were working in a church I would have to be celibate. I went for so long without intimacy that I feel like that would be going backward for me. Plus I am searching for someone to be my partner. that would to be put on hold.

I have told myself that I could do this just until the opened another door, yet that would not be true to myself, my Lord, or the church. I want to be real, the real me in every sense of what that means and its such a struggle!

Finally, my call is not to serve in the four walls of the church, the Lord has expanded that for me and it has opened a whole new world. For those who may read this and are working in a church, I think you understand what I am saying. I understand your struggle, unless your in an open and affirming place its oh so difficult! I pray for you, please pray for me!

Happy Friday Waking up!

2009-12-11T11:21:00.003-05:00

Well its Friday again! Another week of busyness, good busyness. I had 4 on call nights in the last week and had calls each time but last night. Tuesday/Wednesday was long, two calls in the wee hours, I was able to rest in between. We had staff at noon so I did not go home until it was all over.
Not having a call last night was a blessing, being able to sleep (though lightly) was nice. Today I need to do something special for myself. not sure what. Lunch out? Dinner at the club?

There is so much on my mind right now, not sure what or how to share it and what I need to express here.

Things are tough for all of us, me as well, so I have come to a decision I will share in here in the near future. Plus I am working through a thought process in my search for a job to add to my portfolio. I will be writing about it here. Being gay comes with a lot of things to think about as you all know.

WAKE UP ALREADY!!
A friend was saying to me last night that I am waking up to life. WOW, a true observation! I am waking up to so many things! big and small. I am surprised at how the small things add up. Taste in music, places I go, people I meet and are friends to me. Here I am in my late 40's and just just waking up!

I have come to the place that if I am asked, I will tell! Yet, I have been warned to protect myself, my job, my future. My next posting will be about job stuff. Take care all.

Hook Up at a RETREAT!?? A New Experience

2009-11-27T12:16:00.006-05:00

Well I have not blogged anything of real substance in sometime. There is one experience I want to share. Sorry if this is verbose, I want to explain the context.

Back in late October I attended a staff retreat that combined the our department staffs of three Hospitals. Our bosses were there as well as two VP's. What an occasion. We went out of town to a retreat center in Richmond. Quite a drive for a one day retreat! At this center there were other groups meeting, it is a Christian retreat center and a place known for focus on prayer, prayer for the city, nation, world. a place with a focus on the needs of the total person.

The staff of this center comprise different denominations including the Metropolitan Community Church! I was pleased with that. The retreat went very well and met a need in each one who attended.

My Experience, I noticed this cute guy as I walked down the hall to our meeting room and said hello as we passed. There was something about him the registered in my "gaydar" . I saw him another time in the coffee room as well, he was in a group meeting in the next room from us.

Well after lunch we had some free time to wander the grounds, pray, reflect and so forth. toward the end of that time I was coming down the hall near our room. There was no one else around, and this guy came up to me invading "my space" said hello. Then turned into the bathroom!

Well the invitation was clear to me, and I thought about following him. However, I stopped myself. First of all the idea of a public rest room scares me, Not my way of meeting a potential boyfriend. I have a friend who was arrested doing that. (not that would happen in a private place like this)Then there was the issue of time and place, I was on the clock, at a retreat with coworkers, and administrators. The what ifs ran through my mind. So I went on down the hall.

I wish now I had the opportunity to talk with him and maybe set up a date for another time.
It runs through my mind could he have been someone special in my life? Or am I being overly optimistic? When I got home, I went on Craig's list under missed connections and posted a message in the hope he would see it. There has not been any response.

Actually that is the first time anything quite like that has happened to me. It was a new experience, but I a paranoid person. Not just the possible "outing" but the consequences. or am I missing something?

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T09:33:00.002-05:00

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving! Hope this Thanksgiving finds you healthy, employed with everything that sustains us in life.

In these hard times this day I invite you to count the blessings you HAVE, not think of what you don't have. Think positive. Thank God for all he provides and remember HE is in charge of everything we have it all comes from Him. I am saying that to myself because I tend to think of negative things and wish for better. Times are tough for us all, me included.

I invite you to remember in prayer all those who have sustained losses this year. Whatever that loss maybe. Ask our Lord to sustain them with His peace, protection, power in the Holy Spirit.
I say this to myself because I need to remind myself of others, help others, and remember God is my provider, not myself or my employer but my heavenly Father.

Lets be thankful for the victories our community has accomplished this year as well. Gay marriage legalized in a number of states, several in GLBT community who were given Presidential medals this year. Just to name a few.

Be Thankful I Thes 5 17-19

You Never Know What You Will Find in The store

2009-10-20T22:33:00.003-04:00

Found this in the store today interesting!

Sunday Sundries

2009-08-16T19:56:00.004-04:00

Several sundry things, Job thoughts, church thoughts, Worship, diet and exercise.

Job thoughts, I have not had any interviews, I think because not applied for the "right" job yet... perhaps. Chaplain jobs right now are far and few between, plus most are part time, not gonna consider moving for a part time job! Don't wanna move anyway. Whatever job I find will need to have a schedule that will allow me to keep the Hospital ministry. That is a challenge the schedule there is so crazy! One thought is to go more to the Ethics side of things hmm, more on that later. One thought is trying to teach, at least as a sub at a christian school. Of course if they find out I'm gay that won't work. Should I try anyway? It might lead to other things, for instance I would like to get to the place where I can teach part time on the Jr college level.

Church thoughts, I am aware of several gay friendly churches in the area. Problem is my schedule at the ALF keeps me from trying any of them out. So a thought occurred, why not go over earlier and attend a early service (if the church has one) where the church is close to the ALF? Something to try, gotta think outside the box. There is a UCC and a Disciples not far from the ALF.

Worship, Personal Worship has become so important to me, a big part of my spirituality. You don't have to be in stained glass church to worship. I have found I worship in my car, I break out in song and prayer at home, on a walk, exercising. I contemplate the Scripture I receive via email each day. I still hold fast many of the doctrines I know to be true, although I also find I've expanded my outlook and spirituality to include more liturgical styles. I am practicing the disciplines of meditation, silence, as part of my Scripture and prayer times. Personal worship has added a new dimension to my spirituality.

Diet and Exercise ug! I am trying some new things, first diet. I am eating blueberries on my oatmeal or cheerios in the morning. I also started drinking a small glass of V8 fruit juice (diet). Morning snack consists of 4 peanut butter crackers. Lunch depends on where I am, usually salad, soup, or a regular meal. Afternoon snack is yogurt, dinner is normal. Exercise, a friend gave me an ablounger so I'm trying to use that, I go to the fitness center at the complex at least twice a week. I use my gym membership less( on the other side of town) but need to at least once a week for a hard work out. I discovered my gym company is opening a center down the street from the ALF so I can go there!

I've put on a lot of the weight I lost, so now I need to lose it again. Exercise for me is the biggest key. I don't eat like I used to, and I've shrunk my stomach so like today I ate a big meal, I was sooo stuffed I did not like the feeling! I'm not eating the wrong snacks like I was. The only other thing is the on call, having sleep interrupted or delayed is not very healthy. I average at least 1 but usually 2 calls a night. Most of the serious needs occur over night. So I'm stuck there! Next weekend I have three nights in a row! I'm going to try and change that. Or is that not being a servant?

so job, church, diet sundries.

Presidential Medal of Freedom!!!!!!!

2009-08-13T17:36:00.003-04:00

Hello to anyone who still reads this blog! Its been almost a month since my last post, still have not finished my personal statement of faith I assigned myself some time ago. I will. At the Hospital we are short one person doing on call and guess who is taking up some of the slack? I have been doing every other night for over a month now! We don't always have calls, which is both a good and bad news thing. However, for me up to this week I've had at least two calls every night! A few times it was more than that. I found myself becoming rather weary, and at times compassion fatigued. That is not good in ministry! By the grace of God Ive had two on call nights this week with no calls. It was nice to sleep the night through, (mostly) and have 3 nights in a row like that. So I am ready to for duty as needed.

Some exciting news with a gay twist! Yesterday President Obama awarded Harvey Milk a postumas Medal of Freedom for his gay activism, and self sacrafice. Also Billie Jean King was awarded one as well. Imagine that...Its a good thing.

Please lets keep the gay community in prayer and keep moving forward in a positive way, plowing around those groups and issues that would stop our progress. If Harvey Milk could see us now.

TOO LONG

2009-07-18T00:05:00.002-04:00

Well its been too long since my last post. I will finish my confession of faith and post it soon. Alot has been going on, work mostly and looking to replace the assisted living job with something else. But what? A lot of thoughts have had my mind occupied of late. Too many to mention here. The biggest is relationship! No nothing new there, thats why its a big thought. Am I ready?

Been thinking of trying some different clubs in the area too, a chance to meet new people? We have about 7 or 8 in the area. There are a few I would not try not my kind of place. One I want to try, I am told by friends not to go there the first time alone, to go with them next time they go, so I will. I am so glad I don't work in a church setting, none of what I have accomplished in the last 4 years would have "come out" had I been working in a church. Too risky.

Oh BIG news flash, my new boss at the Hospital, he was coordinator under my last boss knows I am gay, and accepts me. I actually think he knew a long time ago (along with my last boss). I did my CPE with them. Well until next time keep looking up

My confession of Faith Part 1

2009-06-04T22:20:00.002-04:00

Preface: In reality faith is very simple; it’s what one believes in his or her heart. We humans make it much more complicated than it really is. Often we try to add this or that to the Gospel, and faith as a requirement. As a Christian gay it is more prevalent. I have heard oh all gay people are doomed to hell just for being gay. I will deal with this more when I confess what I believe about Salvation. I come from a conservative Baptist background, where the only thing I heard about being gay was negative. Also there was a narrow view of Scripture and its interpretation. Free thought and personal exploration were not encouraged. However, in my early teens I had a pastor who taught us to go to the Scripture ourselves and examine it under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and test what he was teaching. That was a beginning. My current pastor (again a Baptist church) has taught me to be ecumenical, to work with folk from other denominations. This helped me when I began work in my chaplain ministry. This background was both a hindrance and in some ways a help to my journey out of the closet. Since beginning my coming out process, my rainbow fish journey; I have found my theology has changed to be more open and accepting of others beliefs. Perhaps that is the biggest most important change. An instance of this is a Lutheran friend of mine nick named me her liturgical Baptist friend. I am very liturgical in my ministry; again my current pastor had a lot to do with this. This has led me to write this confession to define what I believe and perhaps identify ways it has changed. Perhaps a better way to say it I began to own and better understand my faith. I am coming to the point in my journey where I need to make some decisions about my church affiliation. Up till now where I am has worked, I hope doing this confession will help me define where I need to be.

THE ESSENTIALS:
The Trinity: I believe there is one God in three persons, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Trinity existed before the foundation for the world. They were present and active in creation. The Word of God, the Breath of God.

God: Is Father who is omniscient, ever present and powerful creator, sustainer of life. God Yahweh, Jehovah is on His throne in Heaven, in control of everything, over all, in all, through all. He all knowing, He is all powerful, righteous, Holy Father. He deserves all praise honor and glory. God the Father is the author of life, He is the author of love.

Son: Jesus Christ, Emmanuel, God with us. He is God incarnate, John 1:1 The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. Our Lord Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, lived, walked, and ministered on earth. He revealed Himself to sinful man and gave himself as the sacrifice for everyone’s sin. Which reconciles man with the Father. He died on the cross willingly was buried and on the third day rose victorious over sin, death and the grave. He revealed Himself risen Savior and ascended into heaven before the eyes of His disciples. Jesus Christ is now seated at the right hand of the Father in heaven as glorified Lord. There will come a day when every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. The wonderful thing is we have the opportunity to do that now in our life. We have the Choice.

Spirit: The Holy Spirit, the helper, the breath of God is the person of the trinity who indwells the believer at salvation. The Holy Spirit has the ministry of convicting of sin, and righteousness, leading, teaching. The Spirit empowers the believer to live a Christ like life. The Holy Spirit seals the believer for salvation. The Spirit empowers the application of the Scripture in the heart of the Believer. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us in our prayers. The Spirit guides us, speaks truth to our heart.
More later.

Some Trivia

2009-05-28T21:40:00.002-04:00

Trivia from OUT Magazine

There are 1500 side effects blamed on Viagra, a few are blindness, deafness, hiccups, foaming at the mouth, a u shaped cock(that would happen only once) and death.

June is Pride month last year there were 500,000 participants in the New York parade. In 1970 the first parade there were 200.

Abraham Lincoln is said to have shared a bed with his friend Joshua Speed for 4 years when they were in their 20's. hmmm.

Not trivia but I am working on a post I will share in the near future. Its a confession of faith or perhaps my personal theology in writing. Its involved and I am trying not to be verbose. This is the result of me nailing down what I believe since I don't really fit the Baptist mold anymore. Plus during my CPE experience my supervisor urged me to do this. I never did until now.

I hope doing this exercise and sharing it here will help me see where I fit in church life. I want to be true to Christ, and I hope find a place to worship where I can be honest about who I am not have to overlook too much or be concerned about being pushed out. I can say the only real change in my theology is that it has broadened in many ways which the church of my background would most likely say makes me very liberal and perhaps in a heretic in their eyes. Well if that is the case so be it! I still know Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour!

Doing Both Together

2009-04-25T20:58:00.002-04:00

Happy Saturday to all! Well I have made a decision. Finally! What takes me so long sometimes I don't know.

I have applied to a local university to earn the Master of Education in Counseling. Its a 39 credit degree program that will give me the counseling basics as well as research basics. This coupled with bereavement certification will be a good combination. Now I also want to apply to another university that has an extension center locally which offers a Master of Arts in Theology. Its a 36 credit degree program which offers courses in ethics, spiritual direction, philosophy of theology, pastoral theology. Add this to what I already have will provide a well rounded training experience I feel.

These two degrees are specific applied to the area of ministry I am working and interested in. you may ask what can I do with these degrees? Well, I can counsel in almost any community agency, I can do school counseling as well. With the MA I can teach on college level with both of these but specifically religion courses on the community college level. as well it gives a degree toward chaplaincy. I am not interested in church ministry.

The M.Div is the standard and what most Hospitals look for. These two will give me give me the 72 hours required by APC for certification. I will actually have a few more then that. This I hope will give me the equivalent.

Now my next decision is should I try to do both degrees at the same time assuming I have the financial resources and time to take two classes a semester. I would take a class in each degree program each semester. I will go year round until they are completed. The other option is to work on one at a time taking two classes each semester. Which ever it is I need to get going.

I ask for your prayers as I make the applications that I be accepted in both programs, and know if two or one at a time. Plus your input as always is welcome. There is wisdom in a number of counselors. Blessings to you.

Tax Day This and That

2009-04-15T21:55:00.003-04:00

Well where to start? I am off today only day this week which is a good thing for the paycheck. I spent part of the day taking care of the taxes. I owe big time this year, can't figure that one out, I had more taken out last year too! hmmm scratch! I am delighted that the IRS allows one to make payments.

On another financial note, please pray for me, I have some issues to deal with and need the Lord's and others guidance. I cant do this alone.

Today I went to the Mall! how exciting huh. While I was eating lunch these two cute young guys walked up to my table and asked if there was anything they could pray for me for. It was nice we had prayer right there. i appreciated that.

I cant do this alone. This has been my prayer of late, recognizing and acknowledging that I can't do this alone. I can't minister on my own, I can't live my life for myself or by myself. I need to live my life by the power our Lord provides. It humbling to pray that prayer and go through the list of how I am dependent on the Lord.

i have some major life changing decisions about education, career and such. Sometimes its overwhelming. When it gets that way i don't move, its like I am frozen. then nothing gets done. I hate that! God is faithful ,I trust my steps will be right at the right time.

LIFE or something like it

2009-04-03T13:17:00.002-04:00

Its been a little while since my last post. Here is an update on a few things I want to get out of me by writing.

First, my lease, I made the decision to sign a new lease for the current apartment at the same rent for another year. When I got to the rental office I was offered a lease at the same rent for 24 months! I grabbed it! My mistake was telling my oldest brother about it. He told me I had made a mistake, using a lot of what ifs. At first it made a little frightened that I had made a mistake and WHAT IF??? Truth is I was pleased as punch at this opportunity, I am not ready to move, and don't want to move. I hope to use this time to pay off some bills, save some money and then move to a place I can buy. I am living by faith and intend to leave the what ifs to God. Really living by faith is both hard and easy at the same time. What a conundrum!

I am beginning to get a sense my career will be whats right for me. Not what others tell me it ought to be. I have thought of changing my line of work do to my coming out and all it means. I am finding I have a lot of options. Still not sure where it will take me but I have more peace the Lord still has a call on my life I can't leave. The education I have struggled with achieving is changing as well, thinking out of the box using an alternate route seems to be within reach. I will know if a few weeks. At any rate my desire is to turn over the Assisted Living ministry to someone else, and the circumstances seem to show me that is the right thing to do.

With this regard there has been a change in the attitude of my best friend too. He has said I needed to leave ministry to fully live and experience life as a gay man. Really it was his discomfort with it I think. Especially since we tell each other things in detail. Well he made the comment the other day that I really need to "get out" of the assisted Living, not leading Worship will be a good change for me. The Hospital is somehow different yet there are sacred things about that as well. He is seeing that differently, perhaps the Lord is changing his heart?
He is going through some things right now and I am standing with him through it. It hurts me to know he is hurting, I care for him sooo much.

Spring is springing life goes on and time is a flitting!

a number of other things are happening as well some are cause for concern but right now I either am powerless to do anything about it or it seems i am powerless

The Bear Details

2009-03-25T13:15:00.007-04:00

A BIG Bear, this grizzly stood 14' on its hind legs!

AW He just wants to play too.

A bear pole dance!

Just some interesting pics that were sent my way. Something different to share here. I was toying with the idea of adding a sexy pic or two but chickened out. Enjoy the bears

Rejection is Never Easy

2009-03-19T22:35:00.004-04:00

The Scripture teaches there is a time for everything under the sun. Well tonight I had to do something I don't like. I was something I am uncomfortable with; yet I feel sad and relieved. I had to do it there was no way around it. I am the one REJECTING. Rejection is never easy; I have been on both sides and its not easy either way. I am more familiar with being the one rejected. I am too old, too fat, too hairy, I wear glasses, too religious, I am a chaplain, or a number of other things I have been told. This time the shoe is on my foot.

You see I had conversations online with a guy and they went well. It was interesting he seemed interesting. We agreed to a meeting and he showed up, which is always good. From there it went down hill. I wont go into the details but suffice it to say he is not really my "type". We had somethings in common but not enough. Things did not go very well. When we left each other nothing was said about meeting again, and I had no intention of contacting him. I don't want to lead him on in anyway. I knew it was not going to work. I thought he sensed that from the way things went. Well I was wrong.

He did not call but texted me saying he wanted to try again and when was I available. Being the big chicken I am, I reacted by not responding. Send subtle message not good I know. well he texted me two more times. That was something else, he seemed rather "clingy". So I ended up sending him a text letting him know I did not think it would work out and that I was sorry for disappointing him. I was both relieved and sad at the same time. So far no more messages.

I will keep looking for Mr. right, I am sure he will too. this relationship thing is such a bitch to deal with but I will keep on.
Thanks for reading.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-13T21:56:00.001-04:00

Friends are like Buttcracks....there is a lot of shit between them but stick together.

O Harlow

2009-03-13T21:37:00.002-04:00

Harlow is a guy who was an escort, and with his partner/lover, owned an escort service and gay porn business. Now I never condone the escort industry or used "escorts" for obvious reasons, although I do enjoy a good gay porn flick from time to time I am aware and careful of its addictive nature.

Harlow, a very good looking guy, who seemly was smart, and had a future in front of him. Is facing the possibility of the death penalty or life in prison. For the murder of a competing gay pornographer. It was a particularly gruesome murder by all accounts, such rage! What drives a person to do such a thing to another human being? The sinful nature and lust for power and money? Its very sad; Three lives lost in such a way!

Next week Harlow should know his fate, the price to pay for taking a human life, and again for what? Whatever the jury decides will be his earthly punishment will pale in comparison to the eternal judgement he will face. I pray he repents.

A Silly thing with my Car.I still need them.

2009-03-09T14:05:00.003-04:00

In my last blog i spoke about the church reunion. Well something very simple and rather silly happened at the end of the reunion. I went out to my car, put the key in to start it and could not budge the ignition or adjust the locked steering wheel to release it. I tried several attempts to no avail. Sooo I got out and went back in not sure what to do.

There are several men in my church growing up who took me under their wing so to speak. (My father died when I was 14) Three of them were there that day, one is the husband of my long time Sunday school and youth teacher. They really are second parents to me. Well I told him what was wrong, so he took my keys and went to my car. He worked the key a bit and it started right up! I asked what he did, what I did wrong. First I had the wheels turned too far it made the steering wheel lock tight. I did not jiggle the wheel enough. Had I been alone I would have got it figured out myself he said. Then with a smile he told me "see the Lord was just telling you, that you still need us! "

I do, in many ways I do.

From Whence I Came

2009-02-24T20:26:00.003-05:00

This past Sunday I attended a reunion of folks from the church I grew up in. This church is no longer in existence and its a long story. The reunion was held at the church of our former Pastor, who left my home church in disgrace some 25 years ago. An even longer story. Over the last few years a lot of forgiveness, restoration, and healing have taken place. My former pastor has been restored and has a growing and vital church. This actually was the third reunion in the last 2 years but the first I attended.

They do not know I am gay, and I have no intention of coming out to this group. It would not really accomplish anything.

It was very good to see people I grew up knowing, and old friends I was in youth group and Sunday School with. We ate a nice lunch and had a wonderful time of fellowship and worship. Hearing my old pastor preach again was very nice and brought back good memories.

Looking from whence I came. Now the church I grew up in, was a conservative baptist. so the teaching I heard concerning homosexuality was not positive by any means. however, this pastor I consider to be a great Bible teacher along with my Sunday school teacher and discipleship leaders help give me a solid biblical foundation. That foundation is what helped me research, pray, and study Scripture until I found the answers I was looking for. The Holy Spirit used these answers to open my mind and heart and enabled me accept myself and come out.

Interesting point, the point of the message he gave was each of us in our respective lives and churches can remember our past, let it inform our present, and move us to the next thing. How interesting I am attempting to move to the next thing in my life. He said just do it. Now I think that is a word from God! During the prayer time following the message I found myself tearing up. In fact I sobbed uncontrollably for a few minutes. This was the first time in many years I cried like that in front of other people! Since Sunday the tears I thought were cried out have returned. I am not bothered by it, there seems to be a new release. So now its on to the next thing, tears and all!

Friday This and That

2009-02-20T10:47:00.003-05:00

Its Friday and its payday! I am going to the club tonight, and looking forward to it! What fun it will be.

I was on call last night but NO calls! So I will only be paid for carrying the pager. Oh well, This weekend I am on call Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night, All busy nights. I hope I am not a patient by Tuesday LOL.

I think I am the world's worst procrastinator! Its such a sin too I must confess, to know the right thing to do and do it not is sin. For me the right thing is to complete the application to the local university for the Master's degree in School Counseling. Everything in me says its time to move forward, so why don't I? Not sure. Maybe fear of change? I have sense this is what I need to do. It will add so much to my ministry, along with this I would like to complete some graduate level training in bereavement and be certified in that. Its not difficult either. I am going to do it, Today!

If you have read my blog before you may recall I am setting aside my M.Div work for the counseling degree and plan to find some degree that will help with my Pastoral care work. I may have found it. St Leo University which has an extension in the area has a Master of Arts in Theology. Its 36 hours seems to be well rounded, so once I complete the counseling program this maybe the theological degree I have been looking for. Add this to the credits I already have, my CPE, plus counseling and bereavement training, I think could qualify for Board Certification by one of the chaplain groups or just stay a part time chaplain and full time school counselor. both are ministries I think.

Please pray for me to know and do the right thing in my education, as well as my finances. Thank you and God Bless.

Its Time to Keep the Club!

2009-02-17T20:37:00.002-05:00

In my last post I mentioned making cuts because of the cuts made to my hours. One of the cuts was to not go to the Club on Friday night which has been my custom. Not something I really want to cut out, in looking at things I am really at bare bones anyway, so I thought was something I should cut. I had two friends comment that I should continue going it a good outlet and being around other gay men was good for me.

Well I did not go last Friday night and you know what? They were right! I missed it so much, it is a good outlet. Its one thing not to be able to go due to illness or work. i was thinking about it this morning and how much I missed the fellowship, the music, dancers, and just being there!

So I am not going to cut it out completely, but try not to spend as much, maybe not eat there or just have soda or one beer. cut back on tipping the dancers. I'll think of it this way, spending that money will stimulate the economy!!

This is an outlet I think I need, I might cut back netflix, I get three at a time maybe cut back to 2 at a time. I only have air cable and internet is a must. It will work out.

The stimulus signed today and it provides a tax cut. However, it comes down to only $16 a paycheck. WOW!! a whole $16 dollars! maybe i'll use that at the club! Its better then having to pay an additional $16 in taxes. I hope it works!

Another Downturn Axing hours

2009-02-10T21:03:00.004-05:00

As I sit writing this, I am attempting to come to terms with another cut in my hours. This time at the assisted living where I serve part time as Chaplain. Having hours cut is better than losing the job altogether, yet it still means more belt tightening, its hard to know what to cut. The cuts impact every department, for me it means working 15 hours a week instead of 20, which is not a lot but when you consider I drive 35 miles one way just to get to the place its hard. My commitment is to ministry there plus the income helped. Especially when hours were cut at the Hospital. Just quitting crossed my mind but right now replacing the income is at best difficult. plus it would leave a gaping hole there; which I am not prepared to do right now. So I am praying for the Lord to guide my steps.

So what's the answer? I don't know, its kind of scary too. My faith and mind tells me God is in control He will provide. My experience tells me this is true. Yet... my emotions say otherwise. I have anger, fear, disappointment, and a part of me just wants to hide out until this recession is over. How irrational is that.

One big thing I may have to cut is my Friday night out at the club. I cut back not eating there just drinking the soda and maybe a beer. then I am not tipping the dancers like I was which is hard because I like them! So I may have to cut that back and not go, perhaps just once a month. This is something I look forward to and and its so nice to be around other gay men!

I ask that you please pray for me to have peace and guidance through this time. I also ask you if your not already, to pray for all the folks in our nation who are looking for work . Who are losing homes, cars, having trouble paying bills because of job loss or cuts in hours and pay. Please lets band together an pray. Thank You

Stepping Forward

2009-02-05T12:04:00.002-05:00

Several things on my mind this morning, the news more people losing jobs, when will it slow down? I pray for everyone who has or is losing a job. I have been there and I am concerned about being there again. Anyway I am praying for our country in this downturn, I pray for families in need, for those looking for work. I am praying. Something practical I am doing as well each month I am adding a few dollars to my electric bill for the energy share program, I am also giving to the food bank. Also giving to the local Aids task force they do good work in the local GLBT community. Its not much but my little bit added to others I hope will help someone in need. That is a step forward.

Another step forward, I have completed my application for a school system job. I hope I am offered a full time job. It would only be a teaching assistant or something like that, but its a foot in the door and begins a new process for me. I intend on keeping my part time Hospital ministry because I love that work so much and its part of my calling.

Next I want to complete the application for a graduate degree in school counseling. its part of the change in direction I have been praying and thinking about. It would be a big step forward. I still want to complete some type of theological graduate degree but not sure what yet. Something that would help me maintain my Hospital ministry and perhaps add pastoral or grief counseling to my qualifications. I don't think it will be the M.Div though.

Also I need to figure out how to deal with a personal financial situation. I need to step forward in this area as well but not sure the steps to take. Hmmm.

A relationship step forward, I have mentioned my best friend in other posts. Well our relationship has changed over the last few months. There is an openness between us that has renewed our friendship of our younger days when we were much closer. I have said that I love him..well I do. I could easily be in love with him, in fact in the past I have been but the romantic love was not returned. Right now he is in a relationship with someone and I see him so happy and comfortable with this guy that it has brought me a satisfaction for him. I think its a step forward in our friendship.

So I am trying to step forward and move on to whats next.

What's Next II

2009-02-02T19:21:00.003-05:00

Continuing to think about what's next, what steps I should take to continue growing. I am struck by Psalm 42 which states "As the deer pants for the water brook, so my soul thirsts for God" To know god and be known by him is at the heart of spiritual life, and growth. Certainly I know in my heart of hearts that I am loved, and accepted, even wanted by the God who created me. His grace toward me is unmatched by anything this world has to offer. I do have a sense of a new balance in my life. That is fulfilling! I still have to get used to it.

Still practically, what is the next step? Is it the change in direction I have been praying about? a different education program? A job? I must confess for about six months now in this regard I have been at a stand still. I have applied for a few jobs but not really pursued any. I have experienced a personal financial downturn with a cut in hours at the Hospital. What is that telling me? I find myself at times filled with a fear about finances that seems to overtake me. It makes me feel like I am not standing on my faith as I should as a believer. Then there is the creditors pressure to which I am powerless with no resources to do anything about. But that is a whole different story.

Well I think part of the answer for me is being faithful with what I have, what I know and keep praying and taking steps forward. That is the steps I feel in my heart I need and want to take. The other night I listened again to "The Bible Tells Me So" At the end there is a n interview with Gene Robinson, where he states to the effect that we just take steps forward and God will take care of the rest. I was struck by that statement, God will take care of the rest. That is what I have to let happen, but I need for take the steps forward. I will its part of the journey!

Whats Next?

2009-01-31T13:59:00.003-05:00

Something I have noted when I began to get comfortable with myself and being out is the outpouring of emotion from deep within me. At times it seemed I would cry for no apparent reason, this was something that I was not used to. A song on the radio, a special story on TV, or Scripture would touch me, even in my prayers at times were filled with tears. New experiences and the fact I was open to them could be emotional when I reflected on it. I found this outpouring was a healthy release of old emotions, hurt, grief. Sometimes my tears were from a sense of awe at what my Lord has done or is doing in me.

Well I say that to say that I am noticing a decline in the tears. I wonder what this means, I hope its not a hardening of my heart, something I guard against. I think I am finally adjusting, finding a deeper peace and comfort. A spiritual rest as it were. This is a good thing.

Now something to note as well it was very rare for me to cry around anyone else, it was always in my quiet moments alone reading, listening to TV or the radio or in my prayer time. This was always a cathartic event.

So I am wondering what this means? What is next? Growth is always calling us forward, lest we stay in one place and stagnate. Also something I guard against.

A NEW DAY: Change is in the air

2009-01-22T11:31:00.003-05:00

Well President Obama is now in office! It was said the crowd for the inauguration was the largest ever. That says a lot, there is a sense of hope and expectation. I am praying for him and his administration, and the Congress as well to be able to accomplish as much as possible and be successful. As he said in his speech we all have a role to play in our country and economy.

The changes we hope for will not happen overnight, but I think this election shows the willingness and openness of a large number of people for positive change. If we work together, each one playing a part.

Some new things already, for the first time in presidential history there was an openly gay group who participated in the inaugural parade!

Also noted today Milk, a film about a gay activist has been nominated for an Oscar. Good work!

My hopes, for a better economy and people back to work. For a safer more secure lifestyle for everyone. More openness to minority issues and rights, both racial, religious, and sexual orientation. Laws that protect the rights of workers from discrimination based on sexual orientation. So much more that I could wish for.

Good things to come I hope, but the road will be hard.

Monday Nite Ramblings

2009-01-12T21:38:00.002-05:00

Well the cold is much better! I hope none of you get this mess! It been rough.

I was on call last nite, I had hoped to get a little rest, HAH! I was called out not once or twice but five times! Don't get me wrong I need the money it will provide plus I like the work. The thing is I came close to my record of deaths in one overnight shift. Whats more there seems to be a number of young people dying right now. That is bothersome. No clear reason that is obvious in the ER. Its amazing how things can happen so quickly. Life is fleeting.

A week tomorrow we will have a new President in the Whitehouse. I hope there will be true change. I think he is seeking to do what he can. I hope the congress can work together to help the problems we face and not just spin wheels and not help. Is that being naive?

I have been thinking about the beginnings of our country. People came here for many different reasons. The most prevalent were opportunity and liberty both personal and religious. Yet, they brought with them their own prejudices and imposed them on others. (think of the Puritans). I may write more about that later.

Well enough rambling.

WHAT A WAY TO START THE YEAR!!!

2009-01-09T15:04:00.002-05:00

Well since Monday of this week I have been down with a bad head cold. I don't get sick often, (a benefit of working in a Hospital environment I think) But when I do get sick its a doozy. Top it off I don't have health insurance right now so I hesitate to go to the doctor. I medicated myself with over the counter and home remedies which seem to help. I have not gone to the ALF at all this week, so that is a hit on my paycheck! I was going to go yesterday but after getting ready I had to sit and rest. When I awoke two hours later, it was just not worth it to go. Plus I was on call for the Hospital last night so I needed to be rested and ready for that. I had two calls and did not get back in until 06:30 this morning. I planned on getting ready and spending most of the day at the ALF. Well again I came in a went to bed for a "little while" when I awoke in was 1 o clock in the afternoon! So much for that! So Saturday will be a day for work. On the plus side I feel sooo much better. I think I am on the mend.

I used my time this week to pray, do a little reading when I could. When I am sick I plan to do all these things to try and redeem the time but sleep or vegetative things seem to dominate my time. Well I guess that is how it goes!

Welcome 2009!

2009-01-02T11:42:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year to everyone! Phil 3:13-14 "Forgetting what lies behind, looking forward to what lies a head, I press on toward the upward call of God in Christ Jesus"

At the very beginning of this blog I said this was a place for me to express myself, to work out my thoughts and feelings. I found this has been very healthy for me, I also found a few regular readers who express their thoughts. opinions, and encouragement as well. To you I say thank you and God bless you, you will never know your impact this side of Heaven! I invite you to continue or begin your reading and commenting. Even email me direct if you like. You have a place at my table, perhaps we can learn from each other in 09.

My new year's prayer for us all. I pray our Lord will protect us as a nation, as GLBT community, and individually. I ask that our Lord would move and change the hearts of those who stand in the way of gay rights, same gender marriage, for those who spew hate toward any group. I ask for God's provision of jobs, housing, food, heat and cooling, clothing for all of us, especially those who find themselves without as this year begins. I ask our Jehovah Jeriah to bless us all with successes in 2009.

My hope for 2009 is to continue the growth I experienced in 2008, it was tough but good year in many respects. 2008 was as dickens put it in a tale of two cities, the worst of times and the best of times. I hope for more stable income, if that means a change in jobs so be it, actually I pray for the right doors to open and the courage to walk through them. I pray for benefits in 2009.

I confess my fear, fear of job loss, fear of car break down, fear of the unknown. I know fear is not of God and that is why I confess it. Perhaps I should not write that here but hey its my blog.

I pray for stable health as well. I also pray for a friend and lover this year if that is in God's timing for me. For my friends to all be happy, well, growing spiritually, close to Christ . protected, and provided for. For those with no one special to find that one this year as well.

Most of all I pray and desire God's will for my life and those around me. For God's will is ALWAYS the BEST thing for us, is NEVER a danger to us. Just read Jer 29:11, Jer 33:3

I pray especially for our new President to be safe, protected, wise, understanding. to be granted the ability to unify our country in as many ways possible, and bring about the change and revitalization we need.

That is quite a list! Really the only prayer needed is for God to be who he is in my life and the lives of those around me. That's is the true need. everything else will fall into place after that.

Happy New Year! Be blessed in 09

Merry Christmas! A day late!

2008-12-27T00:51:00.002-05:00

Like I said Merry Christmas, it still Christmas after all. At least until the 6th of January when we celebrate Epiphany. Its been a while since I posted anything, its been busy, depressing, busy, tiring, and the like. Bah humbug! A couple of bright spots, were the shopping excursions to the outlet mall, and antique places with my friend. Eating out, our department Christmas party, the hospital Christmas party, decorating, getting laid,lol (just seeing if your paying attention) riding around looking at all the lights. Overall I think I did well.

This year was different for me, first in this apartment, the first time I did not go to visit my mother for Christmas and I won't be able to go for New Year's either! Bah humbug! I worked Christmas day and night. I covered one of our facilities for the day shift then went on call for both places in the evening. It was a busy night, I got called early got home late, then got called again. I did not get back home until 5:00 am. I am working this weekend also then go on call New Years night. I led the Christmas eve service at the ALF to boot. (about lost my voice, we sang 11 songs and I read to long stories. At least I spent Christmas Eve with my second family, we had a wonderful dinner and such. I also got to attend the service at my home church. ( they don't know about me) Today the day after, I slept late, got up and went to the ALF to get things ready for Sunday. Now its time for bed so I can get up and start all over in the morning.

Silent night Holy night, O Holy night! O come O come Emmanuel and ransom Captive Israel. Joy to the world the Lord is come! The Word was made flesh and dwelt among us, born in a stable the King of kings and Lord of lords, mighty God, everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Hallelujah!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good night!

Stood Up!

2008-12-12T18:06:00.004-05:00

Being stood up seems to be routine for me, never the less it still stings. What is the cause? I am not sure. I like to think the person is timid, or unsure of themselves, or that they don't know what they want. Some its a game they play I think. Still it hurts to set up a date and be stood up.

It could be my approach, I like to talk on the phone before we set up a meeting (date). That is because I am interested in developing friendships, or a relationship. Perhaps the guys I talk to are not as interested in friendship as they talk of being? Or they are just playing games with themselves and me, of course they could just be a** holes.

Recently I talked with this one guy who seemed promising. We chatted online and on the phone several times. Then a date was set, and he never showed. Then he contacted me and said he was sorry for missing the meeting there had been a death in the family. We talked for a while and he said he would contact me Thursday, well here it is Friday and no word. I tried to call him, no response, I emailed no response. Sooo I have given up on meeting this guy. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

My question is why? I guess there is no clear answer, it is what it is. Perhaps one day there will be someone who will show up , click with me, I with him and stay around. Until then I keep on keeping on. It still stings though.

Same Sex Attraction Disorder???

2008-11-29T22:28:00.002-05:00

Today I was watching an episode of Boston Legal, one of my favorite shows. One of the judges on the show was "diagnosed' by his minister as having SSAD, or Same Sex attraction disorder. I looked it up on the Internet and there is such a thing being purported. Nothing new I guess. It is not a medical term however, but a religious one. Its some groups way of explaining being gay as a spiritual decease, that can be overcome by prayer and discipline. Repairitive therapy I think they call it.

One point I have read in my research, that was mentioned in a court scene that in the 70's the American Psychological association does not consider homosexuality a disorder, or a choice.

As for me, nothing can change you from being who God wove you in your mother's womb to be. why is homosexuality so hated? even by the church who is supposed to represent God and His love? Something I guess I'll never understand. just like Homosexuality, I'll never understand it, but I must accept it.

Something I like about BL, they do make some good comments on social issues and current events that make good sense.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T12:08:00.004-05:00

I Thes. 5: 18 Give thanks in everything for this is God's will. This being Thanksgiving week, I wish to give thanks to my Lord for the blessings He has so richly given to me. Those being my family and friends, my health, my job, a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back, a car that is safe and runs well. Thanksgiving needs to be voiced on a daily basis as part of personal Worship; not just once a year. God's blessings are daily, not one time a year. Its not our ability that brings about blessings, but rather the enabling power of God in life.

I also am thankful for the ability my Lord has given me to come out and be in the process of becoming more the man I was born to be. I am thankful for the peace, and satisfaction I have found. a different kind of joy in my salvation. Thankful for growing closer to the Lord in ways that are so significant.

I am thankful for the progress I have made just this year! The fact that I was able to come out to my sister, my boss, several coworkers. The strength to experience a gay bar and find Friends there old and new. For the closeness and time with I have with my best friend, his happiness.
My mother who is 93 is still with us.

My thanks to my God, my Yahweh, my El Shaddai, my Jehovah Jireh, my Jehovah Rapha, my Jehovah Shammah, my Jehovah Tsidkenu, my Jehova Shalom. The Ancient of Days, Alpha and Omega. I praise and Thank you.

Soli Deo Gloria!

A Fun Time Shopping

2008-11-10T11:57:00.007-05:00

It's a beautiful fall day! Great sleeping weather, but I am not sleeping. Too much I want to do. The weekend was very nice, Saturday my friend, Joe and I did one of our annual shopping trips. We met two other friends who tagged along which was nice. Now you have to understand when I shop with Joe, its a marathon. We leave early in the morning and get back late at night. He looks at EVERYTHING LOL. This time was no different except there were two more people. One of the guys with us, Greg, like me, has known Joe a long time, and knew what to expect. He made fun of us, but the really funny thing when we were ready to go, he kept finding things to look at; He spent more money than the two of us!

We tried a new Chinese place, the food was very good and plentiful, the atmosphere was gracious. I'll go back there. Its nice to have friends where there are few if any pretensions. The conversations often revolve around our lives, family, work, our history together and relationships. We talk about the fun with and voice concerns about others in our little "group." Yes, I am part of a little group, a group that accepts me as I am and does not try to put me into a mold. They have helped me greatly!

Its interesting to me to see how my life has expanded over that last few years. This weekend pointed that out to me. Joe and I talked about it on the way back. My life has expanded politically, ideologically; as well as in experience and friendships. The type of people I now associate with has expanded. (I still associate with the folks I have always associated with) By that I mean not everyone goes to my church, or the same denomination I do, or works in the same place I do. Not everyone has the same views I do, and that's OK. I can accept them for who they are, where they are. Yet at the same time, I am finding how much we are the alike. Yes they are all gay, yes that means we have the same concerns, many the same hopes, we dream some of the same dreams. There is an understanding between us I have not experienced before. I can't explain it, it has to be experienced.

Joe was commenting on how much he has seen me change over the last year, he noted I am not so uptight, nervous anymore. He sees a confidence in me that was not there before, yet he also says I have a ways to go. Don't we all! When the day was ending as we said goodbye to our friends, instead of a handshake Greg gave me a hug. That was a first.

This shopping trip was fun, funny, and fruitful.

Hope for the Future

2008-11-06T17:26:00.004-05:00

Election 08 is now history! What an historic election it was at that! I hope that this will be the jolt our nation needs. Oh the road will be hard, change is sometimes hard and slow. I think our new leader will have the understanding, the ability to bring about real change. At least that is my hope, my prayer. I challenge anyone who reads this blog to pray for the president and congress to be able to work together, to bring about unity, positive change for our nation.

I was pleased by Obama's acceptance speech, there was a tone of reconciliation, a tone of hope. the fact he stated he would be the president of ALL the people, the fact he mentioned minority groups including the GLBT community. I was also pleased by McCain's concession speech, there was a conciliatory tone to it as well. One I believe he meant, I was also glad that Gov. Palin did not speak.

The one disappointment in this election is the fact that measures concerning gay marriage around the country did not pass. Well another day perhaps. I saw a tee shirt saying, "We are Still here and We are still Queer..." I won't finish the rest of the statement. Its true we are still here. I am not trying nor do I want to force my sexuality on anyone. However I do not want to be treated as a second class citizen or blamed for the countries woes.

Another hope, I hope the "religious right" (note I did not use the term christian) learns something from this. Something positive and God honoring. Religious persecution by any group toward any group should never be tolerated. For the christian community it is not God honoring.

Fall Backward??

2008-11-02T01:12:00.003-04:00

As I was setting my clocks back one hour, something I relish in the fall. Getting back to time that seems to be easier on the body. Don't know why. I was thinking how much I'd like to turn the clock back a few years in my life. Who wouldn't like the opportunity to have a do over? It goes along with the grief I experience when I think how I wasted so much time fighting myself and God about my sexuality. I wonder why it took me so long to see myself correctly, to accept myself for the person God wove me in my mother's womb to be?

If I could go back just ten years... However, that is useless jibber jabber. It is what it is, life is as it is today by the grace of God. I thank God he has brought me this far today! In Jesus Christ name I press on. Phil 3:13-14 Forgetting what lies behind, Looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal, the prize, the upward call of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

To you who might read this blog, I encourage you to PRESS ON in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Changing the plan?

2008-10-29T17:58:00.003-04:00

Well I am considering a change in direction for my life. This would be a big step for me, still a ministry but not necessarily in professional ministry. I have always had an interest in counseling, and I do quite a bit of it in my current role. Often in the form of Bereavement Crisis Intervention or spiritual life issues. You may remember from previous posts that I have been thinking of this for a while

I am looking at a program at a local university that is a graduate degree in school counseling. Its a 39 credit hour degree that would require a 400 hour internship. It would lead to state a license as a school counselor. A position that is needed in every school. Its not an easy job, but the impact can be great I think.

Now I am not abandoning my theological education or my call to ministry, however, I doubt I will complete the M.Div. Rather I am looking into various theological degrees that are shorter and perhaps geared towards pastoral counseling and chaplaincy. Not too many around really. There is a school in Northern Virginia that offers an MTS with one of the concentrations being chaplaincy. The only real stumbling block to it right now is the GRE. I just don't want to take the time it will require to prepare for the test. If that is the program the Lord leads me to then I'll do the preparation. I really would like the second degree to be theological, pastoral theology, ethics, pastoral care and have theology in its title. IE Master of Theological Studies or Master of Theology.

Please pray for me to have the wisdom to know the direction I am to go in for both my education and a job I need right now. I thank you for reading and praying.

PRIDE

2008-10-19T21:10:00.002-04:00

Well I did it! I attended my first Pride event today. not sure what i was expecting but it was nice. Rather mild I thought, no protests or anything like that. Its called Out in the Park. There were a lot of booths representing every area gay organization. There is support to start a Community Center in the area. I think that is a great idea! I went to the after party at the club I go to. It was packed!

While at the event I stopped by the MCC booth and picked up a bunch of information.

Well my first pride event went well, I was comfortable there. for me another way of expressing my sexuality. If people have a problem with that, well its there problem not mine. In fact that was said from the stage by the leader of the local drag community. she made the statement if you are here and have a problem with us its your problem not ours. We are here to be a community, we are part of the community, and in the community. In fact we are everywhere in the community!

Well i hope you had a good weekend and a good week ahead.

2008-10-16T13:00:00.004-04:00

The election is weeks away now. I am more convinced than ever that Obama is the one to vote for. Both from a gay perspective but also for economic concerns, I feel there needs to be a change. Republican and McCain is not the change I am looking for.

Thoughts on the economy....

1. Stock market, short term losses are deep, The long view is most important right now. In the years ahead the market will rebound and again do well. Remember longview, sit tight.

2. Retirement, again the longview. For me I have decided to move my Roth from stocks to money market bank Roth IRA that is FDIC insured. The prinicple is not subject to the market losses. It wont make that much interest but it will be tax exempt and part of my total portfolio. I will diversify a little more by doing this. I still have a 401k type that is heavy into stocks and bonds.

3. Debt is a struggle to deal with, Debt is both a boost and a drag on the economy both at large and individually.

4. God's economy, I am determined to live in God's economy, not the world's. By this I mean knowing that God is my provider, not my employer, its God who is in control of my paycheck. The offering (tythe) is God's. That is so difficult to practice at times of short cash flow. I keep reminding myself that God is in control. My giving is changing, until I have a gay affirming church to call home, I will give to the cause of Christ through my church of record, and several other ministries some of which are gay focused. my God given resources should help support the community I am a part of and hopefully show Christ to one who needs to know and to meet a need.

As always if you read my blog, I welcome your thoughts, concerns, and prayers.