Whats Next?

Something I have noted when I began to get comfortable with myself and being out is the outpouring of emotion from deep within me. At times it seemed I would cry for no apparent reason, this was something that I was not used to. A song on the radio, a special story on TV, or Scripture would touch me, even in my prayers at times were filled with tears. New experiences and the fact I was open to them could be emotional when I reflected on it. I found this outpouring was a healthy release of old emotions, hurt, grief. Sometimes my tears were from a sense of awe at what my Lord has done or is doing in me.

Well I say that to say that I am noticing a decline in the tears. I wonder what this means, I hope its not a hardening of my heart, something I guard against. I think I am finally adjusting, finding a deeper peace and comfort. A spiritual rest as it were. This is a good thing.

Now something to note as well it was very rare for me to cry around anyone else, it was always in my quiet moments alone reading, listening to TV or the radio or in my prayer time. This was always a cathartic event.

So I am wondering what this means? What is next? Growth is always calling us forward, lest we stay in one place and stagnate. Also something I guard against.

A NEW DAY: Change is in the air

Well President Obama is now in office! It was said the crowd for the inauguration was the largest ever. That says a lot, there is a sense of hope and expectation. I am praying for him and his administration, and the Congress as well to be able to accomplish as much as possible and be successful. As he said in his speech we all have a role to play in our country and economy.

The changes we hope for will not happen overnight, but I think this election shows the willingness and openness of a large number of people for positive change. If we work together, each one playing a part.

Some new things already, for the first time in presidential history there was an openly gay group who participated in the inaugural parade!

Also noted today Milk, a film about a gay activist has been nominated for an Oscar. Good work!

My hopes, for a better economy and people back to work. For a safer more secure lifestyle for everyone. More openness to minority issues and rights, both racial, religious, and sexual orientation. Laws that protect the rights of workers from discrimination based on sexual orientation. So much more that I could wish for.

Good things to come I hope, but the road will be hard.

Monday Nite Ramblings

Well the cold is much better! I hope none of you get this mess! It been rough.

I was on call last nite, I had hoped to get a little rest, HAH! I was called out not once or twice but five times! Don't get me wrong I need the money it will provide plus I like the work. The thing is I came close to my record of deaths in one overnight shift. Whats more there seems to be a number of young people dying right now. That is bothersome. No clear reason that is obvious in the ER. Its amazing how things can happen so quickly. Life is fleeting.

A week tomorrow we will have a new President in the Whitehouse. I hope there will be true change. I think he is seeking to do what he can. I hope the congress can work together to help the problems we face and not just spin wheels and not help. Is that being naive?

I have been thinking about the beginnings of our country. People came here for many different reasons. The most prevalent were opportunity and liberty both personal and religious. Yet, they brought with them their own prejudices and imposed them on others. (think of the Puritans). I may write more about that later.

Well enough rambling.

WHAT A WAY TO START THE YEAR!!!

Well since Monday of this week I have been down with a bad head cold. I don't get sick often, (a benefit of working in a Hospital environment I think) But when I do get sick its a doozy. Top it off I don't have health insurance right now so I hesitate to go to the doctor. I medicated myself with over the counter and home remedies which seem to help. I have not gone to the ALF at all this week, so that is a hit on my paycheck! I was going to go yesterday but after getting ready I had to sit and rest. When I awoke two hours later, it was just not worth it to go. Plus I was on call for the Hospital last night so I needed to be rested and ready for that. I had two calls and did not get back in until 06:30 this morning. I planned on getting ready and spending most of the day at the ALF. Well again I came in a went to bed for a "little while" when I awoke in was 1 o clock in the afternoon! So much for that! So Saturday will be a day for work. On the plus side I feel sooo much better. I think I am on the mend.

I used my time this week to pray, do a little reading when I could. When I am sick I plan to do all these things to try and redeem the time but sleep or vegetative things seem to dominate my time. Well I guess that is how it goes!

Welcome 2009!

Happy New Year to everyone! Phil 3:13-14 "Forgetting what lies behind, looking forward to what lies a head, I press on toward the upward call of God in Christ Jesus"

At the very beginning of this blog I said this was a place for me to express myself, to work out my thoughts and feelings. I found this has been very healthy for me, I also found a few regular readers who express their thoughts. opinions, and encouragement as well. To you I say thank you and God bless you, you will never know your impact this side of Heaven! I invite you to continue or begin your reading and commenting. Even email me direct if you like. You have a place at my table, perhaps we can learn from each other in 09.

My new year's prayer for us all. I pray our Lord will protect us as a nation, as GLBT community, and individually. I ask that our Lord would move and change the hearts of those who stand in the way of gay rights, same gender marriage, for those who spew hate toward any group. I ask for God's provision of jobs, housing, food, heat and cooling, clothing for all of us, especially those who find themselves without as this year begins. I ask our Jehovah Jeriah to bless us all with successes in 2009.

My hope for 2009 is to continue the growth I experienced in 2008, it was tough but good year in many respects. 2008 was as dickens put it in a tale of two cities, the worst of times and the best of times. I hope for more stable income, if that means a change in jobs so be it, actually I pray for the right doors to open and the courage to walk through them. I pray for benefits in 2009.

I confess my fear, fear of job loss, fear of car break down, fear of the unknown. I know fear is not of God and that is why I confess it. Perhaps I should not write that here but hey its my blog.

I pray for stable health as well. I also pray for a friend and lover this year if that is in God's timing for me. For my friends to all be happy, well, growing spiritually, close to Christ . protected, and provided for. For those with no one special to find that one this year as well.

Most of all I pray and desire God's will for my life and those around me. For God's will is ALWAYS the BEST thing for us, is NEVER a danger to us. Just read Jer 29:11, Jer 33:3

I pray especially for our new President to be safe, protected, wise, understanding. to be granted the ability to unify our country in as many ways possible, and bring about the change and revitalization we need.

That is quite a list! Really the only prayer needed is for God to be who he is in my life and the lives of those around me. That's is the true need. everything else will fall into place after that.

Happy New Year! Be blessed in 09

Merry Christmas! A day late!

Like I said Merry Christmas, it still Christmas after all. At least until the 6th of January when we celebrate Epiphany. Its been a while since I posted anything, its been busy, depressing, busy, tiring, and the like. Bah humbug! A couple of bright spots, were the shopping excursions to the outlet mall, and antique places with my friend. Eating out, our department Christmas party, the hospital Christmas party, decorating, getting laid,lol (just seeing if your paying attention) riding around looking at all the lights. Overall I think I did well.

This year was different for me, first in this apartment, the first time I did not go to visit my mother for Christmas and I won't be able to go for New Year's either! Bah humbug! I worked Christmas day and night. I covered one of our facilities for the day shift then went on call for both places in the evening. It was a busy night, I got called early got home late, then got called again. I did not get back home until 5:00 am. I am working this weekend also then go on call New Years night. I led the Christmas eve service at the ALF to boot. (about lost my voice, we sang 11 songs and I read to long stories. At least I spent Christmas Eve with my second family, we had a wonderful dinner and such. I also got to attend the service at my home church. ( they don't know about me) Today the day after, I slept late, got up and went to the ALF to get things ready for Sunday. Now its time for bed so I can get up and start all over in the morning.

Silent night Holy night, O Holy night! O come O come Emmanuel and ransom Captive Israel. Joy to the world the Lord is come! The Word was made flesh and dwelt among us, born in a stable the King of kings and Lord of lords, mighty God, everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Hallelujah!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good night!

Stood Up!

Being stood up seems to be routine for me, never the less it still stings. What is the cause? I am not sure. I like to think the person is timid, or unsure of themselves, or that they don't know what they want. Some its a game they play I think. Still it hurts to set up a date and be stood up.

It could be my approach, I like to talk on the phone before we set up a meeting (date). That is because I am interested in developing friendships, or a relationship. Perhaps the guys I talk to are not as interested in friendship as they talk of being? Or they are just playing games with themselves and me, of course they could just be a** holes.

Recently I talked with this one guy who seemed promising. We chatted online and on the phone several times. Then a date was set, and he never showed. Then he contacted me and said he was sorry for missing the meeting there had been a death in the family. We talked for a while and he said he would contact me Thursday, well here it is Friday and no word. I tried to call him, no response, I emailed no response. Sooo I have given up on meeting this guy. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

My question is why? I guess there is no clear answer, it is what it is. Perhaps one day there will be someone who will show up , click with me, I with him and stay around. Until then I keep on keeping on. It still stings though.

Same Sex Attraction Disorder???

Today I was watching an episode of Boston Legal, one of my favorite shows. One of the judges on the show was "diagnosed' by his minister as having SSAD, or Same Sex attraction disorder. I looked it up on the Internet and there is such a thing being purported. Nothing new I guess. It is not a medical term however, but a religious one. Its some groups way of explaining being gay as a spiritual decease, that can be overcome by prayer and discipline. Repairitive therapy I think they call it.

One point I have read in my research, that was mentioned in a court scene that in the 70's the American Psychological association does not consider homosexuality a disorder, or a choice.

As for me, nothing can change you from being who God wove you in your mother's womb to be. why is homosexuality so hated? even by the church who is supposed to represent God and His love? Something I guess I'll never understand. just like Homosexuality, I'll never understand it, but I must accept it.

Something I like about BL, they do make some good comments on social issues and current events that make good sense.

Thanksgiving

I Thes. 5: 18 Give thanks in everything for this is God's will. This being Thanksgiving week, I wish to give thanks to my Lord for the blessings He has so richly given to me. Those being my family and friends, my health, my job, a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back, a car that is safe and runs well. Thanksgiving needs to be voiced on a daily basis as part of personal Worship; not just once a year. God's blessings are daily, not one time a year. Its not our ability that brings about blessings, but rather the enabling power of God in life.

I also am thankful for the ability my Lord has given me to come out and be in the process of becoming more the man I was born to be. I am thankful for the peace, and satisfaction I have found. a different kind of joy in my salvation. Thankful for growing closer to the Lord in ways that are so significant.

I am thankful for the progress I have made just this year! The fact that I was able to come out to my sister, my boss, several coworkers. The strength to experience a gay bar and find Friends there old and new. For the closeness and time with I have with my best friend, his happiness.
My mother who is 93 is still with us.

My thanks to my God, my Yahweh, my El Shaddai, my Jehovah Jireh, my Jehovah Rapha, my Jehovah Shammah, my Jehovah Tsidkenu, my Jehova Shalom. The Ancient of Days, Alpha and Omega. I praise and Thank you.

Soli Deo Gloria!

A Fun Time Shopping

It's a beautiful fall day! Great sleeping weather, but I am not sleeping. Too much I want to do. The weekend was very nice, Saturday my friend, Joe and I did one of our annual shopping trips. We met two other friends who tagged along which was nice. Now you have to understand when I shop with Joe, its a marathon. We leave early in the morning and get back late at night. He looks at EVERYTHING LOL. This time was no different except there were two more people. One of the guys with us, Greg, like me, has known Joe a long time, and knew what to expect. He made fun of us, but the really funny thing when we were ready to go, he kept finding things to look at; He spent more money than the two of us!

We tried a new Chinese place, the food was very good and plentiful, the atmosphere was gracious. I'll go back there. Its nice to have friends where there are few if any pretensions. The conversations often revolve around our lives, family, work, our history together and relationships. We talk about the fun with and voice concerns about others in our little "group." Yes, I am part of a little group, a group that accepts me as I am and does not try to put me into a mold. They have helped me greatly!

Its interesting to me to see how my life has expanded over that last few years. This weekend pointed that out to me. Joe and I talked about it on the way back. My life has expanded politically, ideologically; as well as in experience and friendships. The type of people I now associate with has expanded. (I still associate with the folks I have always associated with) By that I mean not everyone goes to my church, or the same denomination I do, or works in the same place I do. Not everyone has the same views I do, and that's OK. I can accept them for who they are, where they are. Yet at the same time, I am finding how much we are the alike. Yes they are all gay, yes that means we have the same concerns, many the same hopes, we dream some of the same dreams. There is an understanding between us I have not experienced before. I can't explain it, it has to be experienced.

Joe was commenting on how much he has seen me change over the last year, he noted I am not so uptight, nervous anymore. He sees a confidence in me that was not there before, yet he also says I have a ways to go. Don't we all! When the day was ending as we said goodbye to our friends, instead of a handshake Greg gave me a hug. That was a first.

This shopping trip was fun, funny, and fruitful.

Hope for the Future

Election 08 is now history! What an historic election it was at that! I hope that this will be the jolt our nation needs. Oh the road will be hard, change is sometimes hard and slow. I think our new leader will have the understanding, the ability to bring about real change. At least that is my hope, my prayer. I challenge anyone who reads this blog to pray for the president and congress to be able to work together, to bring about unity, positive change for our nation.

I was pleased by Obama's acceptance speech, there was a tone of reconciliation, a tone of hope. the fact he stated he would be the president of ALL the people, the fact he mentioned minority groups including the GLBT community. I was also pleased by McCain's concession speech, there was a conciliatory tone to it as well. One I believe he meant, I was also glad that Gov. Palin did not speak.

The one disappointment in this election is the fact that measures concerning gay marriage around the country did not pass. Well another day perhaps. I saw a tee shirt saying, "We are Still here and We are still Queer..." I won't finish the rest of the statement. Its true we are still here. I am not trying nor do I want to force my sexuality on anyone. However I do not want to be treated as a second class citizen or blamed for the countries woes.

Another hope, I hope the "religious right" (note I did not use the term christian) learns something from this. Something positive and God honoring. Religious persecution by any group toward any group should never be tolerated. For the christian community it is not God honoring.

Fall Backward??

As I was setting my clocks back one hour, something I relish in the fall. Getting back to time that seems to be easier on the body. Don't know why. I was thinking how much I'd like to turn the clock back a few years in my life. Who wouldn't like the opportunity to have a do over? It goes along with the grief I experience when I think how I wasted so much time fighting myself and God about my sexuality. I wonder why it took me so long to see myself correctly, to accept myself for the person God wove me in my mother's womb to be?

If I could go back just ten years... However, that is useless jibber jabber. It is what it is, life is as it is today by the grace of God. I thank God he has brought me this far today! In Jesus Christ name I press on. Phil 3:13-14 Forgetting what lies behind, Looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal, the prize, the upward call of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

To you who might read this blog, I encourage you to PRESS ON in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.