A Decision NO to Church Employment

In my job search I have watch for church related jobs which I might feel a sense of call to. Yet in the back of my mind there is an uneasiness about applying for any job in a church. This has bothered me until I prayed about it and thought this through.

I have come to the conclusion that for me a job in a church will not work for me. At least right now. The reason for this is simple, unless the church is a completely open and affirming I would not fit in. Open and affirming is hard to find in these parts. I would always be concerned about being outed, and the consequences or that event.

The consequences I am very concerned about, first the loss of income, job, and so forth. There is a consequence that goes deeper, that is how my being outed in even a liberal setting would effect those I would serve. I have seen how something like that has impacted a church in my younger years and it was very painful for all involved. I am acutely aware of the spiritual implications and wish to avoid that situation if at all possible.

Now my current ministry setting is completely different. As long as my personal life does not impact my work, there is no problem. The other thing is if I took a call to a church, I would not be able to totally be me, I would be fearful of going to a gay club, (not wanting to be seen going to or from by someone connected with the church.) fearful of being seen with my tranny or obviously gay friends for the same reason. I don't want that for me or them. then there is the issue of sex. If I were working in a church I would have to be celibate. I went for so long without intimacy that I feel like that would be going backward for me. Plus I am searching for someone to be my partner. that would to be put on hold.

I have told myself that I could do this just until the opened another door, yet that would not be true to myself, my Lord, or the church. I want to be real, the real me in every sense of what that means and its such a struggle!

Finally, my call is not to serve in the four walls of the church, the Lord has expanded that for me and it has opened a whole new world. For those who may read this and are working in a church, I think you understand what I am saying. I understand your struggle, unless your in an open and affirming place its oh so difficult! I pray for you, please pray for me!