A Struggle of Ministry

Ministry is a calling, its a gifting, it is a coming along side both of the minister and the people one ministers to. Ministry is work, hard work, draining work. Ministry is a struggle, it is war! Its a struggle for the heart, mind, spirit and soul of those around us. A struggle with eternal outcomes. Whether it's a personal or professional ministry it is all the above for every christian. For all are called to be disciple makers, all are called to minister where they are. Some are called to professional ministry. Its a hard but rewarding life. When you are gay, and a minister it seems even harder. Its all about acceptance, God gives grace to accept.

As a christian who happens to be a single gay minister, my struggle with ministry is very personal. Its emotional, doing what I do seems to be in my blood. Becoming who I am, who I am supposed to be both as a christian and what it means for me to be gay, is a struggle. Do I think I am the only one with this struggle? NO. Why does it have to be so complicated? Lord why?

My personal struggle is complicated by the fact I have not completed my seminary training yet, its a work in progress. So I do not have all the credentials APC requires for certification. I am considering other jobs outside of ministry to help give me time to do me, and provide for completing my training. I must also admit that its a way of protecting myself. Right now I know I am vulnerable in my profession. Its a scary feeling. As I become more comfortable with myself as a gay christian, a gay minister its almost as if I don't care who knows. That is scary! Again its an acceptance thing, in the church as a whole being accepted as a gay man let alone a gay minister is difficult, its a struggle. In the gay community being accepted as a minister is scary as well. Being accepted as a minster who is interested in a relationship is a struggle. I see a pastoral counselor who is putting considerable pressure on me to do whatever it takes to complete my seminary. This is something I am praying through. No answers yet.

I have written before about my best friend, whom I love as if he were my brother. I have said that I am also in love with him. But by God's grace that is not as strong as it once was. Yet it is still there. He is someone in my circle who I strongly believe I am ministering to both in personal witness, prayer, and just being there. I see a difference in him by things I am praying for him in starting come about. Being a minister has always complicated our relationship. Of course he has things that complicate it for me as well. Part of the struggle.

My counselor asked me yesterday about my moral compass. Because I am so far from where I was as a "good Baptist". Hmmm. Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and the word of God are my moral compass. True, I must confess I do hook up from time to time, it is wrong for me to express myself this way? Is it wrong for me to seek a relationship? Its part of life. Life I repressed until I was in my late 30's. Heterosexual ministers who are single do it I am certain of it. Is it wrong for me to work out my sexuality this way? I don't think so. Of course I could be wrong. Yet I have a peace with myself, a comfort with myself that I have never had. I know that comes from the Lord, it is He who has made me free. Not to use that freedom as a opportunity for the flesh, but freedom to become. I am discovering the connection between my sexuality and my spirituality. This has had a positive impact on my ministry as well. Its a wonderful journey. Yet its still a struggle. where to draw the line? what direction to take? That is my struggle in ministry right now. I pray for my Lord's direction, for the right doors to open, to make the right choices.

A note about my container garden, I wanted to place a bird feeder out there on the patio, but its not allowed by my complex. !@#$%!!! Oh well. I had a question about the flag I fly on my little patio flag stand. I have a collection of flags, one for every season, event, holiday in the year. Its fun to put them out and I have missed doing so.