Continueing the thoughts about coming out. I don't recall the first time I knew I had desires toward guys. I did know I could not let on about it. I was a teenager. It did not really bother me until I got serious about my relationship with God. The teaching in the church I went to at the time which was a conservative Southern Baptist church were I learned to be a Bilblical literalist. I am greatful for the foundation I aquired in that setting, it actually helped me later on to do serious research on the subject of Homosexuality. Although I have changed, my spirituality has changed. The truth has not changed that being that Jesus Christ is Lord. My approach, and my interpretation has progressed by what I believe to be the enlightenment or illumination of the Word of God by the Holy Spirit. I will say more about that later as I share.
What I want to say here is, the teaching I was under led me to believe there was something very wrong with me. It led me to pray for forgiveness, confess it daily, to bury it deep within me. repress it if you will. All the while I was growing spiritually, learning the Scripture and even experiencing a call to vocational ministry. Yet there was something holding me back it seemed. I still do not understand that, maybe I never will. All the while I was very secretly and privately fantasizing about sex with men. Sometimes these were far apart, other times it was more regular. It tormented me, both the fantacy as well as the guilty feelings about them. I must say here that I never thought of suicide, at least not seriously. Does anyone have a similar experience?
What I want to say here is, the teaching I was under led me to believe there was something very wrong with me. It led me to pray for forgiveness, confess it daily, to bury it deep within me. repress it if you will. All the while I was growing spiritually, learning the Scripture and even experiencing a call to vocational ministry. Yet there was something holding me back it seemed. I still do not understand that, maybe I never will. All the while I was very secretly and privately fantasizing about sex with men. Sometimes these were far apart, other times it was more regular. It tormented me, both the fantacy as well as the guilty feelings about them. I must say here that I never thought of suicide, at least not seriously. Does anyone have a similar experience?
1 comment:
I always knew I was gay. When I was younger all I wanted to be was "normal" so yes I suppressed my feelings.......what a horrible mistake. If I want to blame anyone of thing I suppose it would be society as a whole for making me feel less a person for being made in yet another image of God.
Having said this I always knew that God loved me for who I was, he just didn't do a very good job or conveniencing others that it was ok.
Will it's my job to be me and I'm working on that daily.
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