The Turning Point

The turning point for me in my coming out, was when I began Clinical Pastoral Education. I began to understand the feelings that I had ignored, repressed, fought all my life. Through CPE, I found a niche, a specialized ministry where I could make a difference. This was very fulfilling for me. At the same time through a series of situations and events; I opened the door to the closet I had been hiding in all my life.

I opened that door, I entered. I entertained these feelings as never before, I learned new things, and had new experiences. I indulged in somethng I thought would satisfy and that would be the end of it. I was wrong, it was really a window, it let me see and experience a side of me that is real, that I don't understand. But I must accept my homosexuality.

Since that time I have prayed for forgiveness, and healing. I have rebuked it, renounced it tried again and again to ignore and repress it. It has not worked, it was a period of time like the dark night of the soul. I have also searched the Scripture for truth, done research to try and understand it. I had numerous conversations and made friends along the way. I learned all I could about sexuality and spirituality. Trying to find away to either live with it or be healed of it.

First and foremost in my mind were the Bilblical implications. I now understand that the prohibitions in culture, context and history were mainly concerning idol worship, false gods and temples as well as a focus on population. Where the abomination comes from in sexuality and specifically homosexuality is somethtng that is worshiped rather than the one true living God. There are more Scriptures which speak of God's grace and forgiveness than condemnation. I also read some of the research that is available concerning this subject and found there is scientific evidence which suggests this is something a person is born with. There are chemical and brain differences which a person has no control over. Which tells me this is not something of choice, or even environment but the way one is made, wired which has helped me see myself and those like me differently. These things have been and still are being debated today. I can't debate it, I still don't understand it. I believe this I was born gay. All I know is I did not choose it, it is something deep inside me I can not change and God has not released or healed me from.

Second and more personal to me is Psalm 139 which spoke very clearly to me one day. That God knows me, knows my thought from afar, knows my standing and my sitting, God is intimately aquainted with ALL my ways. God Wove me in mother's womb and made me in secret, and God KNEW me. God has the days of my life numbered before Him. The creator God, created me to be who I am.

Third the GRACE of God, the only thing that separates one from God is sin, the thing that separates one eternally, rejecting God's grace offer of salvation through Jesus Christ. Once one is in Christ Romans 8:1, states there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. To say otherwise means that God's grace, the work of Christ is not sufficient. Which is simply not truth, not the Christ I know nor the power of God as I have experienced Him. Jesus spoke and said He is the way the truth and life no one comes to the Father but through me. The Bible also states in John 8:32 "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. " Freedom is what i was looking for at this point. Either freedom from or freedom to be. As I looked and studied the Scripture, the Holy Spirit began to open the eyes of my heart, He illumined my mind and heart to a new understanding. Something I had not thought of or seen prior to this point in my life. The CPE process of self discovery was continuing. Now this did not happen in one year, but it took about 6 years to get through my thick brain and hard heart. Well, maybe not hard heart but I did have alot of fear to overcome. Paul states God has made us to be more than overcomers!