Truth and Acceptance

Truth and Acceptance. Early one February day in my payer time, I was praying about what I am to do with my sexuality and something supernatural happened to me. I found myself telling the truth about myself to God. Oh I had confessed it many times before but this was different. I found myself saying to God, this... is... me, this is who I am, please help me to accept myself the way you made me. Use this in my life according to your will. Through tears I came out to my Lord, and even myself to what He already knew about me. The flood of emotion was intense, there was a flood of tears, love, peace, freedom and a sense of acceptance that was and continues to be overwelming. At the same time there was a sense of grief at lost opportunities and wasted years fighting myself and God, hiding instead of honestly dealing with my sexuality.

I remember several times in the Hospital where I spoke to Gay patients and even a staff member about God's love for and acceptance of them. How they needed to accept themselves; yet I could not do that for myself! what a hypocrit! Still in the time of prayer that day, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit much stronger than ever before. There was such a sense of awe this was a Holy thing that I could not move. I was as a dead man, I had to stay on my face before God in silence and tears. It was truly a Be still and know I AM God moment. A theophany. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, is, was and will be the God of me. The Lord Jesus Christ is MY Lord. During these moments of silence the thought or phrase ran through my mind "finally you are who you are, its about time." In the words of Paul I Cor 15:10 I am what I am by the grace of God. The change has been gradual but very drastc compared to where I was and where I am now.

I believe that God has called me to minister as a chaplain and pastoral counselor, being gay does not negate that call. I am seeking a place where I can be who I am and do what I am called and gifted to do. I also know that I do not have the gift or call to be alone and celibate . I need and want friends or someone I can share my life with. I want to find the one who will love me as much as I love him. There is a discomfort beteen being who I am, meeting guys, and going to a gay bar, doing typically gay things and being a minister, the supposed "Holy man" Problems also which I discussed in the catch 22 blog as well. where is the balancing point? The things I spoke of are of the gay lifestyle, I am gay. yet I am free! Free to be me! the lord has set me FREE!!! I have been more honest with myself, God and those I am out to than ever before. Am I wrong to hook up? especially if its someone who might be the one? I don't think it is. Is it wrong for me to express myself the way I do at times? just depends on how and to whom, motive. yet I can't do this on my own, I need you Lord to be my guide and guard. I need friends who accept me and understand me; to love and be loved by them. all in God's timing right?

One thing is for sure. I will continue this journey Phil 3:13-14 Forgetting what lies behind, looking forward to what lies ahead...I press on for the prize the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. There is no turning back, and I don't want to even if I could.