Is it This or That?

There is a lot going through my mind today. So many concerns, relationship, friendship, career, money. Which direction to take? I interviewed a few weeks ago for a position in the ER at one of the local Hospitals, it was a good interview. I would enjoy the place and the work I think. Its not a Chaplain position. I think I may need a break from professional ministry. Maybe not. The question in my heart and mind continues to be, can I minister effectively, and be seeking the relationships I want in the gay community? Go to the bar? Continue this path of self discovery? Perhaps not doing those things would make me less of an effective minister? Is God leading to a ministry in and to the gay community? If so what when and how? So much on my mind, I want so much to be authentic as a christian gay man. I want to be real in every aspect of life. I am free, God has set me free to be gay, do gay things, seek gay friendships/relationships. Now how to use that freedom? Maybe I am being too serious, taking these things too seriously. Just perhaps I just need to BE and not worry about the doing for a while.

To top everything off, there seems to be big changes on the horizon in the pastoral care department of the Hospital I work in. I am not sure how these will impact me. Possibly less hours, less pay which would be a very scary thing. How to pay the rent, put food on the table, fire in the furnace? Gas in the car? Yet I know God has a plan, He is in control. I sure am not. I continue to pray, look, praise, and pray some more.

On another note, my best friend and I are working through some issues in our relationship, a lot of progress and acceptance on both parts. I hope he is finding that I am more open to him and his shit than he thought I would be. He has certainly been open to mine! I asked a question the other day, he kinda stumbled on the answer. I felt bad afterward and apologized later. He said for what? I explaind and he said it was nothing we ask each other those questions, we tell each other that kind of thing. This is me your talkin to! Afterall we have been friends all this time. He knows me and understands me! What a blessing.

So I continue to pray and think on these things. Wait for the Lord to illumine my mind and heart on these things.