Monday Medley: Mellow Mood

For me today is a thank God its Monday day! LOL. I'm tired, I worked three nights in a row on call and had calls two of those nights.  Plus two eight plus hour rather hectic day shifts.  Sometimes the pager is unrelenting, and I run from situation to crisis and back again.   I can't say my work is "fun" but its rarely boring.  Except for many hours  on call waiting for the pager to sound off. I sometimes think about doing something different, that gives me more of a life outside work, something that when I say what I do, does not turn other gay men off.  but what?   My work can be incredibly satisfying. Though, I have to say, I wish I had this past weekend off to focus on my self care after the news Friday night of my aunt's death. Shortly after hearing the news, I had to answer a page to a crisis.  It was hard for me, looking back, I should have called the Admin on call for help.  Same thing with my two back to back 24 hour shifts. you would think that by now I would have learned to say help and no!  Just glad its behind me now.

Anyway, today is a day to enjoy, relax, it's sunny, cool-ish.  A day relax, do something fun.  if I only had a boyfriend to cuddle with!

In light of today's mood I have selected a long set of relaxing music. About 55 minutes worth, Hope you enjoy it let it wash over you.

 http://youtu.be/QvsW-BmFAE8I

In Memoriam

Tonight I had a phone call, my Aunt Denyse passed away this afternoon. She was 87, 10 years younger than my mother.  For her it was sudden and quick, for us it is sad. Though she lived a good life, was active till the very end.  Its the end of an era for my family.  Though I was not close to my Aunt, she was the one of my Mother's siblings I related with the best. For the most part, I have good memories of her.

This has been a difficult year so far, for a number of reasons. The thought went through my mind what else is going to happen? In my heart I know whatever tomorrow brings I am not alone, I have those around me who care, and I have faith that I know the one who holds tomorrow.  as my mother would say, "we must soldier on." 

That is what I will endeavor to do...soldier on.

                                                                 Denyse Morrow
                                                                    1925-2012
                                                                              

  

A Victory For Same Sex Marriage

When victories occur for the gay community its nice to pause and consider the implications.  I am referring to the NY Court decision declaring DOMA unconstitutional.  The difference with this decision is the fact that a federal judge appointed years ago by a conservative President, wrote basically the gay community has been and is being discriminated against.  That this law discriminates against a segment of american society which has rights under the constitution.  This is significant to for those of us who have the hope of one day being able to legally marry in this nation.
 
Will I see the day when same sex marriage is not rejected?  I don't know, but I have a glimmer of hope. Of course if I ever find one I want to marry, we could go to a state, or nation where our marriage is accepted. 
Sign me hopeful but realistic.

Monday Medley:Chris Brown

Today I have selected two songs by Chris Brown that I like the beat and music.  Forever,  has been used as a wedding march, the first time I heard this song was in a club. the second Yeah x 3, I like the beat, and the music hope you enjoy them.  Have a great Monday!



http://youtu.be/5sMKX22BHeE

http://youtu.be/3mC2ixOAivA

Come out Come Out Where ever You Are!!

In honor of National Coming out Day, Won't you take the bold freeing step out and be yourself?  Know YOUR truth...Claim your Voice!

At least acknowledge it to yourself for yourself that is a first step.  John 8:32 "You shall know the TRUTH and the truth shall set you FREE" 

Choose wisely who you acknowledge this too. Not everyone will be accepting. Those who truly love you will accept you.

The most important thing is to be YOU. be comfortable in your own skin, find peace. 

I found peace when I accepted me the way God made me!

Open that door let the light shine in.

A link to It Gets better . org

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/video/

Hate Mail...Really?

From the beginning of my very first blog post I knew I might draw negative comments from time to time.  Which I have, and I do not post those unless it adds something to think about. Its one thing to disagree, express your opinion, but totally another to be disagreeable and express hatred.  Those kinds of comments are always deleted, never posted. Especially when its from an anonymous source!  If your going to leave a hateful comment at least have the guts (I really wanna say balls) to own your words.   Sometimes its an email, I do not respond to these as there is no room for dialogue. It would accomplish nothing. 

The series of posts on relationships I just completed, has elicited a few responses mostly positive emails, but a couple of negative and down right hateful comments. Now I welcome all comments, I enjoy the dialogue with people.  Sometimes I hear a viewpoint that helps me greatly or at least gives me something to think about.   I draw the line at hate mail, I will not listen to or dignify with a response someone calling me or people who might read this blog names, and telling me I am cursed. Or that I need to repent, and receive healing, seek "re-parative therapy".    One asked how someone like me can do the work I do without bringing condemnation to everyone I meet. There is no room in my life for hate. These from folk who call themselves christian. I won't judge you as you have judged me. God is our judge, and I resist the urge to preach at you through this blog, but I ask you how is that bearing fruit for the Lord and making a difference in a life? How is that edifying? The Scripture says "you shall know them by their LOVE"

My relationship posts talk about love, its often a thread of commonality that runs through the kinds of relationships I spoke about.  Love is created by God, God is love, not hate.

Well enough said about this, I could write more but I will save that for my journal.  I like my posts to be about positive things or at least how I'm dealing with negative aspects of this life.

Again I welcome your comments and emails, I enjoy the dialogue.  If you have some positive insight or a question please submit a comment or email.
 

Monday Medley Dutty Love love say it

A Good Monday, today is Columbus Day, a holiday in many parts of the country.  I just finished a crazy shift. Sixteen hours of actual in house coverage and thirty-two hours of on call coverage.  Last night I was called 5 times, very little sleep.  I hope they change this weekend schedule!  Its ok at the smaller Hospitals but the place I was covering is ALWAYS very busy.

October is one of my favorite months, we are getting into the fall season, church bazaars are getting into full swing, its the time of year I enjoy antiquing the most.  However, this month is also my mother's birthday. The first since her death in January, so its a very poignant time for me.  I have a lot of thoughts and emotions swirling around which makes me more sensitive, and perhaps vulnerable.  I noted it last night in my work, I do not like feeling so raw emotionally myself in the midst of others crisis.  I feel I lacked the appropriate distance, to be the non anxious presence in the midst of their crisis.  There must be balance?

Today I want to share two songs, rather different, talking about different kinds of love. Just my feeling today.  I am finding how music helps get the feelings out, whether its sadness, anger, or whatever.  The beat, and  and words seem to help.     Hope you enjoy them..One of these songs is a repeat from a few months ago.  Just where I am today. ..

http://youtu.be/6giXgG6qQzo

http://youtu.be/xWCcW3A08Vc

That Relationship Thing: The Wrap Up

Well here we come to the wrap up of my series of thoughts on relationships for a gay man.  This of course has been from my perspective and a bit of my experience. However limited that maybe. My hope from the very beginning of my coming out saga, has been to find one man to love and who would love me. As with anything in life, it is so much more complicated than that!  I have found my ideology gets in the way often times.  In a "perfect" world it would be the way my religious background  says it should be.  Of course according to my religious background's "perfect" world homosexuality would not exist.  We know that is not real!  This is why I refer to myself as a recovering Baptist! 

Let me separate ideology from reality right here.  I am a person of faith, it was my faith which helped me "get real" and come out. I distinguish this from the religiosity that kept me afraid and in the closet for the first 35 years of my life.  If you wonder what I mean by this, please feel free to search this blog and find my posts on coming out, faith, and theology of coming out.  The issue at hand is how do I move forward?  Where do I go from here?

The answer is simple, taking a step at a time, one day at a time.  See where these steps lead.  I have to believe what Jeremiah 29:11 states.  God has a plan, its up to me to seek and find the way.  Thus far it has been an incredible and exciting journey.  Taking this journey has brought some special people into my life.  I have loved and lost, and loved again, loved differently. On this journey I have discovered a few close friends for whom I am grateful. I am still searching, will continue.  One of my friends has said, he thinks he will always be looking for something better or different. I think the reality its not always better on the other side of the next zipper. It can often lead to pain.  That is why there are varying degrees of relating, varying kinds of long term relationships which were mentioned in  the early posts of this series.  I think its a coping mechanism, the thread again is love.  There is a follower of this blog who has a husband he loves and is committed to, he is not one who seeks gratification outside his relationship, because of love for his husband.  That is special, that is true love and commitment it does exist in gay relationships.  Someone else I talk with  says that kind commitment is rare.  I'm not so sure about that, we just don't hear much about them. or am I not being realistic again?

For me I will keep on trying and hope for the best.  There is someone out there, one I will meet or perhaps I already have met or know him? Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for well wishes and praying!

Staying on my Rainbow Fish Journey

Monday Medley: In The Light & Ocean Floor, fighter

A good Monday to you! Its an overcast, cool-ish day in my part of the world today.  Work and more work seems to be the order of the day.  I have my evaluation today, always an ordeal with particular organization and director.  I will get through it.  I remind myself, God is in control he is my provider and no one else.

Today we have a medley of three songs, two are a repeat from earlier medleys, today they just seem to go together for me.  Guess my mood today after three days of giving care and another night of work tonight ahead of me.  Sometimes my work brings significant meaning to those with whom I see which is meaningful for me, other times its seems like why am I here? Sometimes like at 0200 this morning, I'm just there to document I was there. I'd would rather have stayed home asleep, or watching TV with my roommate.  However, this is provision for my life, and the work I am able to do at this point in my life, so duty calls!

Hope you enjoy these.


http://youtu.be/17czYG1Fdog

http://youtu.be/DFeHik5lBBw

http://youtu.be/bxV-OOIamyk

A Sunday Note

Just wanted to post a note that I have not forgotten my relationship wrap up post.  Writing and editing this particular post has been slow going due to schedule and trying to say what I want the way it should be stated. 

Tomorrow I will post a Monday Medley, and continue work on the wrap up.  Here it is already the end of September, how time is passing quickly. Soon fall activities and holidays will be in full swing.  I am not prepared for it this year.

Please keep following.  Thanks

Monday Medley on Tuesday: Let it Rain Over Me

This past weekend was a marathon.  Then I had three calls on Sunday night, and had a meeting on Monday.  Needless to say I was one tired person; But I had a very pleasant afternoon and evening Monday.

Music is fun, I listen to a wide range of music depending on my mood.  I used to listen to only the christian stations.  That has changed, now as my life has opened to a wide range of people, experiences, and situations, so has my taste in music. with the exception of country, still don't like country.


I am still working on my final post for That Relationship Thing, so keep looking for that in the next day or so.

http://youtu.be/SmM0653YvXU

I think Mark Anthony is cute

That Relationship Thing: A Boyfriend

In continuing my writing on relationships, I would like to share a success.  Several years ago I had a lunch date with a guy that turned into a relationship which lasted a little over a year.  Until it was time for him to return to his native country to continue his career and care for his parents.

We both knew in the back of our minds that day would come, but it did not stop us from enjoying the time we had together. This also made it easier when time came for him to leave. It was not a live in life partner type of arrangement, rather we saw other as often as possible.  At times during that year it was on again off again, but some how we always ended up together. Our relationship solidified for me my peace and satisfaction with my sexuality.  This was possible, it was was a good thing, I was happy.  There was love in our relationship, that I had not experienced before. 

He was in his 20's, I in my 40's, age and race are not issues for me.as long as one is of age and  old enough to know who they are or well on the way to that place, and know what the they want. Yet he was very mature for his age, and could hold an intelligent conversation on issues from geopolitical situations, cultural events, investing, to spiritual issues.  He was in this country on a work visa to complete a year long management residency.   He was so open about everything, I often had to warn him about being too out with his coworkers, neighbors. One time we were out to eat and ran into one of his bosses, he introduced me as his boyfriend.   He finally learned the lesson the hard way, fortunately he was not hurt in the process. 

Often I had to explain things to him with regards to our laws, and our culture.  One time he received a letter from the DMV, and thought they were going to take his car away.  I explained about paying his taxes, and renewing his car registration. He also helped me see a lighter side of life, and my sexuality.  Its no surprise I often take myself, and the issues I have too seriously.

Experiencing a relationship helped me know that is what I want to have in my life again.  It is what I hope for in the long term.  Someone special to me, for me.  Someone in my corner, who knows me well. 

The day came it was time for him to leave, it was a sad, bittersweet moment.  I still hear from him from time to time via email.

Next Wrapping it all up.