A Sport Event To Follow

Tomorrow night there will be a boxing match for the Welter Weight Championship.  Its between Orlando Cruz and Orlando Salido in Las Vegas.  Now I am not a huge sports fan, I follow scores, but that's about it.  So why am blogging about a boxing match?

Well I am glad you asked that!  Orlando Cruz is the one I will be cheering for, because he is the first pro boxer to come out of the closet.  ABC news did a segment on him the other night.  He would be the first openly gay boxer to win a title!  So I hope he wins! 

 

 

He also has a boyfriend

 

I will be looking for the results of this sporting event!

 

 

To LOVE "Tis A Fearful Thing

 

 

 

'Tis A Fearful Thing

'Tis a fearful thing

To love

What death can touch.

To love, to hope, to dream,

And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this,

Love,

But a holy thing,

To love what death can touch.

For your life has lived in me;

Your laugh once lifted me;

Your word was a gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

‘Tis a human thing, love,

A holy thing,

To love

What death can touch.

(To love is a precious thing FF2013)

Judah Halevi, 11th C., Spain

Poet, Philosopher, Physician 

 

Being Outed

Recently I learned that a former manager in my department told the Clincial Pastoral Education (CPE) supervisor shortly after he came to our department that I was gay.  Don't know any details of how or why that conversation occurred. Fortunately this one he told is LGBT friendly! This is interesting to me in the fact that I never came out to this manager, and not sure how he was sure enough to tell someone else.  I am certain he suspected.  Now I am wondering who else he told?

Since this gentleman is no longer employed with the company, this occurred three maybe four years ago now, and so far nothing negative has come from his outing of me.  I don't really have any need for recourse. At least that is my thought at this moment.  I have no need or desire to contact this man and talk about this. No need to.

I will say that I think it is dead wrong for anyone to out another person to anyone.  Its not their business, not their place! The damage that can from the doing this could catastrophic to the one who is outed.  Its up to that person to come out to whom he or she chooses, and it being a workplace makes it more critical in my mind.

As for the CPE Supervisor, he did not ask me to confirm or deny, just that he was uncomfortable with this information and felt it was time for me to know?? My thought What's that all about?  It could be there is a CPE student  this summer who is openly gay.  I am aware it has been an issue with some of the other students.  I don't know why now?  I guess it does not really matter.  At least I think it does not.

Now I have ad conversations with two of my closest friends about different guys and acknowledging they are gay, but it goes no further, and we three understand the importance of that.

If you are ever tempted to out someone for whatever reason, Please don't! Its the wrong thing to do!

I may say more about this in the near future.

A Call One Night

One evening I was called to the Emergency Room at one of the Hospitals I serve.  It was for a patient who was involved in what is called Intimate Partner Violence. (IVP) This patient was very emotional, and would not talk about his experience, including cooperating with the Police.   They thought the Chaplain could help him calm down and bring comfort.  Instead, the thought of the Chaplain's presence made him nervous. I almost did not speak with him because of his nervousness.   That is until he actually met  me and we started talking, I was able to put him at ease. 

He said he was afraid the Chaplain would judge him and his lifestyle as a gay man.  Would lay the blame for his IVP situation on him. He said when he saw me and began to talk with me he felt I was different from his experience with "religious people"  HOW SAD that is. What a shame.   Instead of bringing comfort, the experience is judgment and hate.

At least there was a different experience for this patient. I'm thankful fro being enabled to be in the right place at the right time...a divine appointment?

Scoped Out

Yesterday I was in the grocery store, in a hurry as usual.  As I walked in I noticed three guys together shopping. One had some kind of bag on his shoulder, they were looking at fruit.  I was in a hurry so I walked on by to the back of the store to do my shopping.  Several times in the store I found myself where one or more of these guys was shopping.

On the last row, it was just the four of us in the isle, the first two of them turned and said hello to me.  That is when the one with the shoulder bag crossed my path made eye contact with me, winked and said nice! Of course I returned the complement, which was an honest return since he was a nice looking guy. 

Then once I was in the check out line, the guy left his buddies in the other line and joined me in my line. We made small talk, I wish now I had asked for his number or offered him mine. After all that kind of thing rarely happens to me! Oh well, lost opportunity.  Maybe I will run into him again?

All the same its nice to be noticed!



 

Saturday Thoughts

On call last night was uneventful, which can be good for the patients.  There are a lot of thoughts going through my mind today.  Rather eclectic. 

First, I am pleased with the Supreme Court rulings on Same Sex marriage.  That gives me some hope for the future.  Its nice to know there are some legislators who are embracing the rulings and making preparations for the future legislation in regards to this issue. Its a good thing.

On relationships, and friendships. No matter close or not, work related, or personal,  always seem to be complicated in some way. But nothing real in life worth anything is ever simple.  Especially where love is involved. And unrequited love is such a painful bitch! One of my prayers is not to experience this again in my life, but that is the risk one takes when opening up to another person.  It can be worth the risk.  I don't regret taking the risk either.   I still hope one day to find that special someone, if that person exists. If not well  I have friends in my life to whom I offer and give love no matter what. Who I could never turn my back on, who are worth the struggles of relating and  their love is returned. True friends in your life can be like family, the family you choose.

I read a quote today, "Friends can be lovers, but lovers are not always friends" there is truth in that.

Wow does that sound mushy or what?  

On a lighter note, my plans for starting classes are in motion, I have a meeting this next week with the Admissions Director to discuss the classes I plan to take this school year, and the financing, also possible aid sources.  I plan to take a class on campus the fall semester, I think that will give me a good start, the winter semester will be online.  That will save me the trouble of winter travel. 

My roommate and I will be moving to a new place in another part of town in about a month.  I hope this new place will be a better experience for us than where we are now.  Especially maintenance wise. The one thing I will miss about this complex, is the lake, trees, wildlife and peaceful setting.  But I won't miss the parking issues, water leaks, out of date appliances, and HVAC.  Unfortunately idiot neighbors are every where. 

Well I think that is enough thought letting for one post.
Happy Saturday!

 

A Song to Share: Same Love

Now this is a song to share. I was pleased to hear this song on the radio, and I looked it up,  So now I want to share it here. I like how this song makes the point for marriage equality.  Love,  does not know boundaries.  Love between a same sex couple is the same as love between a man and a woman. It should be recognized.

Same Love Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
http://youtu.be/g1TBgcctcco

As stated previously in this blog, same sex attraction is not a choice, its part of one's make up the same as heterosexuality is. Society has made it something it should never be, this has made some many hide it, hide from it. Hate toward the LGBT community happens constantly.

The religious community for a large part has played a role in promoting this hiding, and promoting hate toward the LGBT community as a whole. In my view, as a Christian minister, the Bible has been misused in the process of promoting hate and exclusion. As stated in the song if hate is preached, the Holy Water becomes poison.  That is a crime.

This is why some many walk away from "religion"  Some from God.

The love I experience is not cheap, its not wrong.  The love I experience is wonderful, beautiful, as special as that of any straight couple.

God gives love, God IS love, so by this definition love between two men, or two women is a God thing.

I Corinthians 13 The love chapter of the Bible includes

Love is kind, love is patient, love does not take into account a wrong suffered. . love never fails, Fath, Hope love, the greatest of these is LOVE.

 

A MILESTONE FOR THIS BLOG

I check my blogger dashboard frequently, mostly to see the blogs I follow. Its interesting to see where the readers are from, some all over the world.  As well as the posts they view, I only wish there were more comments or dialogue.  I guess there is not much to say?  I started blogging to express myself, and write about my journey out of the closet.  I also wrote about some of my experiences, and hope and dream for a relationship.  My blogging has evolved overtime to include not only my personal journey and thoughts on gay issues, also anything that comes up I want to comment on.  a regular post I started is Monday Medley, where I share songs I like. some by a theme, others are random selections I hear on the radio. 

The milestone?  This blog has had over ten thousand views!  I hope some of my blogging will give a different perspective on being gay and Christian. Sometimes I blog to express myself and invite your thoughts, experiences, to see if I am off track, on track or whatever. 

I thank you for your interest in my blog, your comments, emails, encouragement. Please keep reading! Speak once in a while!

So There Is A New Pope!

Though I am not Catholic,  I watched with interest for the selection of the new Pope. So now the selection has been made, Pope Francis is set to be officially installed next week. I like the name he selected for himself, Francis, obviously a nod to St Francis of Assisi.  I wonder what kind of leader he will turn out to be? How will the trappings of his office and power impact him as time goes by?  Well only time will tell.

He is the first Pope from this hemisphere! That is a good change, from Argentina, South America, I am told this area of the world has forty percent of the Catholics in the church.  I also understand the part of the world he is from holds to a liberation theology.  I wonder if or how that will carry over to his Papacy?    Again time will tell. 

Pope Francis is conservative, traditional which does not surprise me.  This means we will not see any movement on LGBT issues, female Priests, or other social issues. In Fact I read in Jeremy's blog,  My Side of the Street, his post  title New Pope Francis believes same-sex marriage and gay adoption are the Devil’s work, where the new Pope has made anti LGBT comments in the past.  I do not expect this to change.

So no surprise it will be the status quo. yet there maybe changes in other ways on other issues. As stated before only time will tell!

Self Acceptance or Self Hate.

There are a number blogs I follow, some publicly, a few privately. Usually, there is something in particular in the blog that draws me to keep checking and reading, sometimes commenting. A few I check and read daily.  There is one I read today which struck a chord in me, I want to highlight here. Its Rick Modien at This Gay Relationship.  He writes about his relationship with his husband of twenty plus years. In the post "Do The Work Now", he makes the point that until a gay person, comes to the place where he or she "learns to understand, accept, and love"  him or herself  how can  one accept and love that special someone?  Indeed this is true for anyone, straight or gay.

Rick has hit the nail on the head with this comment in his post. This is so important, somehow, some way there is a path to understanding and loving oneself as a gay person.  Otherwise, I think we can sabotage our relationships.   Self loathing only leads to self destructive behaviors, and destroys loving relationships

I recall when I finally came to the place where I found peace with my sexuality.  It was such a huge relief to me, I blogged about it here in a series of posts in 2008, then updated in 2010.  Yet the work continues. I don't think it is something that is ever complete, because I believe we evolve and grow.  Speaking for myself, I know its something I need to keep working on and growing.  For others it maybe something you need to grow through. 

The work is often not easy, otherwise it would not be called work!  How do you start?  One step at a time, one issue at a time find your path.    I encourage you as Rick says in his blog "do the work"

The Pope to Resign!

Yesterday's news, but I had to comment.  I am not Catholic, but as a Protestant who knows many who are Catholic, this is really big news.  The first time in 600 years a Pope who is resigning. It has taken the world by surprise!

 

 

My hope for the next Pope as a Protestant, gay man.

 

I hope the next Pope is more progressive than any there has been in decades.

I hope the next Pope is able to at least crack the door to making the Catholic church more open, accepting, and affirming of the LBGT community.

I hope the next Pope is open to discussing allowing Priests to marry.

I hope the next Pope is open to discussing Women as Priests. 

I hope the next Pope is from Canada or the U.S.A.

One can only HOPE!

 

Oh and apparently the picture above is indeed real! Ponder that one!

 

Thursday Thoughts

Today I am off. Not really doing much though, and its cold here, but not like other places though. 

DoMa so I understand that the Supreme Court is going to hear a case concerning the Defense of Marriage Act.  I am glad and hopeful for a result in favor of same sex unions.  In fact I am praying for a good result. 

Who is out? They say the percentage of the population that is LGBT is around three.  But that is the percentage of those who identify as LGBT.  Many more do not identify themselves publicly.  So you see that percentage is obviously much higher. 

It is my belief,  as acceptance of the LGBT community increases , those in our community will feel more comfortable  in being out.  At least in theory.  

Fiscal Cliff,  Just not seem to be going away! Our congress is not accomplishing much.  But they have not done much in awhile.  I hope soon!

The Plan,  This year I have developed plans for my giving, saving/investing, and spending.  Rather than a plain budget, I have broken it down to specific items to purchase, and savings/investing goals It pays to have a plan.

Seminary,  Application is completed, now waiting for the file to be completed. 

Finally Snow? They are calling for snow here tomorrow night. I am on call tomorrow night!  Please Lord NO!  I am afraid of ice. I will be praying for no snow, no ice, or no calls.





 

Go With The Gut Feeling!

Well I did not go with my gut feeling and I should have. Several Posts ago, I talked about a date I had. I said then I did not think he was the one.  So I thought I would try and be friends with him.  After spending sometime with him, I knew this would not work.  He was too nervous, afraid someone would "know" we are gay. Everything to be secretive, it seemed.  I continued to text and call, trying to be a friend.  Then every time a plan was made, for a lunch or dinner, it was cancelled for one reason or another. So I got the message.

Next time I will remember to listen to my gut, something I learned to do in my work, I have to remember this in the off hours.  As the saying goes...NEXT! .

It's A Date!

Last night I had a dinner date!  With a guy who responded to an ad I placed on Craigslist.  We had been exchanging emails, then texts and phone conversations.  We met at Ruby Tuesday for a nice meal and conversation.  I think it went well...so why am I not more enthusiastic? 

Well I had the feeling he was not that comfortable, in our conversation he revealed that he is a preachers kid. So I felt comfortable telling him what I do for my living.  He did not appear freaked out, which is a big positive.  We had talked about our hope of finding someone special to be in our lives.  So we decided to explore the possibilities. He is 35, and a bookkeeper, has an established life, never been married. His father Pastor's a church locally. Thing is he made the statement that he wants a boyfriend on the "DL", I understand not being out to his family in his situation, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the whole DL thing. I need to talk with him further about this.  He said he is not out, which I understand.

I guess my concern is, I spent so much of my life uncomfortable with my sexuality, that I'm not sure I want a relationship that reminds me of those days; Or puts me back in the closet in anyway.  Not that I want the world to know, its not their business any way.  My impression is he does not want me around, if anyone he knows is nearby.  I don't want to close the door on him, so I will be available to explore the possibilities, ask my questions and discuss the issues.

The Wrong Question to Ask!

Several days ago I made mentions of a problem with my planned application for graduate study.  Well here are the details...I found an online degree program that had everything I was looking for. it was affordable too. I even discovered my employer provides $2500 a year in tuition reimbursement for my job classification! So I was all set to apply, reading through the online application, I discovered a problem.  There are a series of questions, petty standard like have you been convicted of a felony, are you a citizen, then the question I just do not like or want to answer.  In fact I will not answer, and will not be applying to this school or other schools that ask this question.

The question;  Have you EVER engaged in Heterosexual misconduct or Homosexual behavior? i.e. engage in sex, going to gay clubs, gay chat rooms, talked about gay issues, basically are you a homosexual?  Say what??  Let that one sink in a minute....  and I thought don't ask don't tell was alive and well in the church.  Not the SBC.

Now it crossed my mind to answer the question with a NO.  However, that would be putting myself back in the closet, it would be a lie and counter productive.  Now I also thought about saying yes, but this also would be counter productive.  I am certain it would disqualify my admission and could get back to my home church.  I do not want to confirm any one's suspicions.  Then also I don't think its any one's business what my sexual preference is.

Not only do they basically ask about one's sexuality, to out oneself, they couple it with a misconduct question!  That's the SBC for you. They firmly believe people like me are hell bound, regardless!  Not gonna move them on that one either.  I checked another SBC seminary and it had the same series of questions.  I am disappointed at this, but not going to let it stop me.  I will find a school where its not important. 

A friend sent me a link to United Church of Christ seminaries, since they are open and affirming. I'm looking at them, along with a couple of more liberal seminaries here in my state. Two offer a combination of online and on campus options. The Online option is important to me.

Anyone have any suggestions?  I will continue this discussion in future posts. 

 

Transgender Rembrance Day 2012

In honor of Transgender Remembrance Day.  Let us all think of those who have been killed or injured  simply for being Transgender.  For daring to be in public as they view themselves.   For seeking recognition and love as they are for who they are.
Let our community continue to stand against this kind of  discrimination, and hate.  Please take a moment and pray for those who seek to be true to who they are.
Anti gay hate crimes and discrimination need to be included in all non discriminatory laws.

Lets stop the hate!

A Victory For Same Sex Marriage

When victories occur for the gay community its nice to pause and consider the implications.  I am referring to the NY Court decision declaring DOMA unconstitutional.  The difference with this decision is the fact that a federal judge appointed years ago by a conservative President, wrote basically the gay community has been and is being discriminated against.  That this law discriminates against a segment of american society which has rights under the constitution.  This is significant to for those of us who have the hope of one day being able to legally marry in this nation.
 
Will I see the day when same sex marriage is not rejected?  I don't know, but I have a glimmer of hope. Of course if I ever find one I want to marry, we could go to a state, or nation where our marriage is accepted. 
Sign me hopeful but realistic.

Come out Come Out Where ever You Are!!

In honor of National Coming out Day, Won't you take the bold freeing step out and be yourself?  Know YOUR truth...Claim your Voice!

At least acknowledge it to yourself for yourself that is a first step.  John 8:32 "You shall know the TRUTH and the truth shall set you FREE" 

Choose wisely who you acknowledge this too. Not everyone will be accepting. Those who truly love you will accept you.

The most important thing is to be YOU. be comfortable in your own skin, find peace. 

I found peace when I accepted me the way God made me!

Open that door let the light shine in.

A link to It Gets better . org

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/video/

Hate Mail...Really?

From the beginning of my very first blog post I knew I might draw negative comments from time to time.  Which I have, and I do not post those unless it adds something to think about. Its one thing to disagree, express your opinion, but totally another to be disagreeable and express hatred.  Those kinds of comments are always deleted, never posted. Especially when its from an anonymous source!  If your going to leave a hateful comment at least have the guts (I really wanna say balls) to own your words.   Sometimes its an email, I do not respond to these as there is no room for dialogue. It would accomplish nothing. 

The series of posts on relationships I just completed, has elicited a few responses mostly positive emails, but a couple of negative and down right hateful comments. Now I welcome all comments, I enjoy the dialogue with people.  Sometimes I hear a viewpoint that helps me greatly or at least gives me something to think about.   I draw the line at hate mail, I will not listen to or dignify with a response someone calling me or people who might read this blog names, and telling me I am cursed. Or that I need to repent, and receive healing, seek "re-parative therapy".    One asked how someone like me can do the work I do without bringing condemnation to everyone I meet. There is no room in my life for hate. These from folk who call themselves christian. I won't judge you as you have judged me. God is our judge, and I resist the urge to preach at you through this blog, but I ask you how is that bearing fruit for the Lord and making a difference in a life? How is that edifying? The Scripture says "you shall know them by their LOVE"

My relationship posts talk about love, its often a thread of commonality that runs through the kinds of relationships I spoke about.  Love is created by God, God is love, not hate.

Well enough said about this, I could write more but I will save that for my journal.  I like my posts to be about positive things or at least how I'm dealing with negative aspects of this life.

Again I welcome your comments and emails, I enjoy the dialogue.  If you have some positive insight or a question please submit a comment or email.
 

That Relationship Thing: The Wrap Up

Well here we come to the wrap up of my series of thoughts on relationships for a gay man.  This of course has been from my perspective and a bit of my experience. However limited that maybe. My hope from the very beginning of my coming out saga, has been to find one man to love and who would love me. As with anything in life, it is so much more complicated than that!  I have found my ideology gets in the way often times.  In a "perfect" world it would be the way my religious background  says it should be.  Of course according to my religious background's "perfect" world homosexuality would not exist.  We know that is not real!  This is why I refer to myself as a recovering Baptist! 

Let me separate ideology from reality right here.  I am a person of faith, it was my faith which helped me "get real" and come out. I distinguish this from the religiosity that kept me afraid and in the closet for the first 35 years of my life.  If you wonder what I mean by this, please feel free to search this blog and find my posts on coming out, faith, and theology of coming out.  The issue at hand is how do I move forward?  Where do I go from here?

The answer is simple, taking a step at a time, one day at a time.  See where these steps lead.  I have to believe what Jeremiah 29:11 states.  God has a plan, its up to me to seek and find the way.  Thus far it has been an incredible and exciting journey.  Taking this journey has brought some special people into my life.  I have loved and lost, and loved again, loved differently. On this journey I have discovered a few close friends for whom I am grateful. I am still searching, will continue.  One of my friends has said, he thinks he will always be looking for something better or different. I think the reality its not always better on the other side of the next zipper. It can often lead to pain.  That is why there are varying degrees of relating, varying kinds of long term relationships which were mentioned in  the early posts of this series.  I think its a coping mechanism, the thread again is love.  There is a follower of this blog who has a husband he loves and is committed to, he is not one who seeks gratification outside his relationship, because of love for his husband.  That is special, that is true love and commitment it does exist in gay relationships.  Someone else I talk with  says that kind commitment is rare.  I'm not so sure about that, we just don't hear much about them. or am I not being realistic again?

For me I will keep on trying and hope for the best.  There is someone out there, one I will meet or perhaps I already have met or know him? Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for well wishes and praying!

Staying on my Rainbow Fish Journey