Doing Both Together

Happy Saturday to all! Well I have made a decision. Finally! What takes me so long sometimes I don't know.

I have applied to a local university to earn the Master of Education in Counseling. Its a 39 credit degree program that will give me the counseling basics as well as research basics. This coupled with bereavement certification will be a good combination. Now I also want to apply to another university that has an extension center locally which offers a Master of Arts in Theology. Its a 36 credit degree program which offers courses in ethics, spiritual direction, philosophy of theology, pastoral theology. Add this to what I already have will provide a well rounded training experience I feel.

These two degrees are specific applied to the area of ministry I am working and interested in. you may ask what can I do with these degrees? Well, I can counsel in almost any community agency, I can do school counseling as well. With the MA I can teach on college level with both of these but specifically religion courses on the community college level. as well it gives a degree toward chaplaincy. I am not interested in church ministry.

The M.Div is the standard and what most Hospitals look for. These two will give me give me the 72 hours required by APC for certification. I will actually have a few more then that. This I hope will give me the equivalent.

Now my next decision is should I try to do both degrees at the same time assuming I have the financial resources and time to take two classes a semester. I would take a class in each degree program each semester. I will go year round until they are completed. The other option is to work on one at a time taking two classes each semester. Which ever it is I need to get going.

I ask for your prayers as I make the applications that I be accepted in both programs, and know if two or one at a time. Plus your input as always is welcome. There is wisdom in a number of counselors. Blessings to you.

Tax Day This and That

Well where to start? I am off today only day this week which is a good thing for the paycheck. I spent part of the day taking care of the taxes. I owe big time this year, can't figure that one out, I had more taken out last year too! hmmm scratch! I am delighted that the IRS allows one to make payments.

On another financial note, please pray for me, I have some issues to deal with and need the Lord's and others guidance. I cant do this alone.

Today I went to the Mall! how exciting huh. While I was eating lunch these two cute young guys walked up to my table and asked if there was anything they could pray for me for. It was nice we had prayer right there. i appreciated that.

I cant do this alone. This has been my prayer of late, recognizing and acknowledging that I can't do this alone. I can't minister on my own, I can't live my life for myself or by myself. I need to live my life by the power our Lord provides. It humbling to pray that prayer and go through the list of how I am dependent on the Lord.

i have some major life changing decisions about education, career and such. Sometimes its overwhelming. When it gets that way i don't move, its like I am frozen. then nothing gets done. I hate that! God is faithful ,I trust my steps will be right at the right time.

LIFE or something like it

Its been a little while since my last post. Here is an update on a few things I want to get out of me by writing.

First, my lease, I made the decision to sign a new lease for the current apartment at the same rent for another year. When I got to the rental office I was offered a lease at the same rent for 24 months! I grabbed it! My mistake was telling my oldest brother about it. He told me I had made a mistake, using a lot of what ifs. At first it made a little frightened that I had made a mistake and WHAT IF??? Truth is I was pleased as punch at this opportunity, I am not ready to move, and don't want to move. I hope to use this time to pay off some bills, save some money and then move to a place I can buy. I am living by faith and intend to leave the what ifs to God. Really living by faith is both hard and easy at the same time. What a conundrum!

I am beginning to get a sense my career will be whats right for me. Not what others tell me it ought to be. I have thought of changing my line of work do to my coming out and all it means. I am finding I have a lot of options. Still not sure where it will take me but I have more peace the Lord still has a call on my life I can't leave. The education I have struggled with achieving is changing as well, thinking out of the box using an alternate route seems to be within reach. I will know if a few weeks. At any rate my desire is to turn over the Assisted Living ministry to someone else, and the circumstances seem to show me that is the right thing to do.

With this regard there has been a change in the attitude of my best friend too. He has said I needed to leave ministry to fully live and experience life as a gay man. Really it was his discomfort with it I think. Especially since we tell each other things in detail. Well he made the comment the other day that I really need to "get out" of the assisted Living, not leading Worship will be a good change for me. The Hospital is somehow different yet there are sacred things about that as well. He is seeing that differently, perhaps the Lord is changing his heart?
He is going through some things right now and I am standing with him through it. It hurts me to know he is hurting, I care for him sooo much.

Spring is springing life goes on and time is a flitting!

a number of other things are happening as well some are cause for concern but right now I either am powerless to do anything about it or it seems i am powerless

The Bear Details

A BIG Bear, this grizzly stood 14' on its hind legs!

AW He just wants to play too.

A bear pole dance!

Just some interesting pics that were sent my way. Something different to share here. I was toying with the idea of adding a sexy pic or two but chickened out. Enjoy the bears

Rejection is Never Easy

The Scripture teaches there is a time for everything under the sun. Well tonight I had to do something I don't like. I was something I am uncomfortable with; yet I feel sad and relieved. I had to do it there was no way around it. I am the one REJECTING. Rejection is never easy; I have been on both sides and its not easy either way. I am more familiar with being the one rejected. I am too old, too fat, too hairy, I wear glasses, too religious, I am a chaplain, or a number of other things I have been told. This time the shoe is on my foot.

You see I had conversations online with a guy and they went well. It was interesting he seemed interesting. We agreed to a meeting and he showed up, which is always good. From there it went down hill. I wont go into the details but suffice it to say he is not really my "type". We had somethings in common but not enough. Things did not go very well. When we left each other nothing was said about meeting again, and I had no intention of contacting him. I don't want to lead him on in anyway. I knew it was not going to work. I thought he sensed that from the way things went. Well I was wrong.

He did not call but texted me saying he wanted to try again and when was I available. Being the big chicken I am, I reacted by not responding. Send subtle message not good I know. well he texted me two more times. That was something else, he seemed rather "clingy". So I ended up sending him a text letting him know I did not think it would work out and that I was sorry for disappointing him. I was both relieved and sad at the same time. So far no more messages.

I will keep looking for Mr. right, I am sure he will too. this relationship thing is such a bitch to deal with but I will keep on.
Thanks for reading.

Quote of the Day

Friends are like Buttcracks....there is a lot of shit between them but stick together.

O Harlow

Harlow is a guy who was an escort, and with his partner/lover, owned an escort service and gay porn business. Now I never condone the escort industry or used "escorts" for obvious reasons, although I do enjoy a good gay porn flick from time to time I am aware and careful of its addictive nature.

Harlow, a very good looking guy, who seemly was smart, and had a future in front of him. Is facing the possibility of the death penalty or life in prison. For the murder of a competing gay pornographer. It was a particularly gruesome murder by all accounts, such rage! What drives a person to do such a thing to another human being? The sinful nature and lust for power and money? Its very sad; Three lives lost in such a way!

Next week Harlow should know his fate, the price to pay for taking a human life, and again for what? Whatever the jury decides will be his earthly punishment will pale in comparison to the eternal judgement he will face. I pray he repents.

A Silly thing with my Car.I still need them.

In my last blog i spoke about the church reunion. Well something very simple and rather silly happened at the end of the reunion. I went out to my car, put the key in to start it and could not budge the ignition or adjust the locked steering wheel to release it. I tried several attempts to no avail. Sooo I got out and went back in not sure what to do.

There are several men in my church growing up who took me under their wing so to speak. (My father died when I was 14) Three of them were there that day, one is the husband of my long time Sunday school and youth teacher. They really are second parents to me. Well I told him what was wrong, so he took my keys and went to my car. He worked the key a bit and it started right up! I asked what he did, what I did wrong. First I had the wheels turned too far it made the steering wheel lock tight. I did not jiggle the wheel enough. Had I been alone I would have got it figured out myself he said. Then with a smile he told me "see the Lord was just telling you, that you still need us! "

I do, in many ways I do.

From Whence I Came

This past Sunday I attended a reunion of folks from the church I grew up in. This church is no longer in existence and its a long story. The reunion was held at the church of our former Pastor, who left my home church in disgrace some 25 years ago. An even longer story. Over the last few years a lot of forgiveness, restoration, and healing have taken place. My former pastor has been restored and has a growing and vital church. This actually was the third reunion in the last 2 years but the first I attended.

They do not know I am gay, and I have no intention of coming out to this group. It would not really accomplish anything.

It was very good to see people I grew up knowing, and old friends I was in youth group and Sunday School with. We ate a nice lunch and had a wonderful time of fellowship and worship. Hearing my old pastor preach again was very nice and brought back good memories.

Looking from whence I came. Now the church I grew up in, was a conservative baptist. so the teaching I heard concerning homosexuality was not positive by any means. however, this pastor I consider to be a great Bible teacher along with my Sunday school teacher and discipleship leaders help give me a solid biblical foundation. That foundation is what helped me research, pray, and study Scripture until I found the answers I was looking for. The Holy Spirit used these answers to open my mind and heart and enabled me accept myself and come out.

Interesting point, the point of the message he gave was each of us in our respective lives and churches can remember our past, let it inform our present, and move us to the next thing. How interesting I am attempting to move to the next thing in my life. He said just do it. Now I think that is a word from God! During the prayer time following the message I found myself tearing up. In fact I sobbed uncontrollably for a few minutes. This was the first time in many years I cried like that in front of other people! Since Sunday the tears I thought were cried out have returned. I am not bothered by it, there seems to be a new release. So now its on to the next thing, tears and all!

Friday This and That

Its Friday and its payday! I am going to the club tonight, and looking forward to it! What fun it will be.

I was on call last night but NO calls! So I will only be paid for carrying the pager. Oh well, This weekend I am on call Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night, All busy nights. I hope I am not a patient by Tuesday LOL.

I think I am the world's worst procrastinator! Its such a sin too I must confess, to know the right thing to do and do it not is sin. For me the right thing is to complete the application to the local university for the Master's degree in School Counseling. Everything in me says its time to move forward, so why don't I? Not sure. Maybe fear of change? I have sense this is what I need to do. It will add so much to my ministry, along with this I would like to complete some graduate level training in bereavement and be certified in that. Its not difficult either. I am going to do it, Today!

If you have read my blog before you may recall I am setting aside my M.Div work for the counseling degree and plan to find some degree that will help with my Pastoral care work. I may have found it. St Leo University which has an extension in the area has a Master of Arts in Theology. Its 36 hours seems to be well rounded, so once I complete the counseling program this maybe the theological degree I have been looking for. Add this to the credits I already have, my CPE, plus counseling and bereavement training, I think could qualify for Board Certification by one of the chaplain groups or just stay a part time chaplain and full time school counselor. both are ministries I think.

Please pray for me to know and do the right thing in my education, as well as my finances. Thank you and God Bless.

Its Time to Keep the Club!

In my last post I mentioned making cuts because of the cuts made to my hours. One of the cuts was to not go to the Club on Friday night which has been my custom. Not something I really want to cut out, in looking at things I am really at bare bones anyway, so I thought was something I should cut. I had two friends comment that I should continue going it a good outlet and being around other gay men was good for me.

Well I did not go last Friday night and you know what? They were right! I missed it so much, it is a good outlet. Its one thing not to be able to go due to illness or work. i was thinking about it this morning and how much I missed the fellowship, the music, dancers, and just being there!

So I am not going to cut it out completely, but try not to spend as much, maybe not eat there or just have soda or one beer. cut back on tipping the dancers. I'll think of it this way, spending that money will stimulate the economy!!

This is an outlet I think I need, I might cut back netflix, I get three at a time maybe cut back to 2 at a time. I only have air cable and internet is a must. It will work out.

The stimulus signed today and it provides a tax cut. However, it comes down to only $16 a paycheck. WOW!! a whole $16 dollars! maybe i'll use that at the club! Its better then having to pay an additional $16 in taxes. I hope it works!

Another Downturn Axing hours

As I sit writing this, I am attempting to come to terms with another cut in my hours. This time at the assisted living where I serve part time as Chaplain. Having hours cut is better than losing the job altogether, yet it still means more belt tightening, its hard to know what to cut. The cuts impact every department, for me it means working 15 hours a week instead of 20, which is not a lot but when you consider I drive 35 miles one way just to get to the place its hard. My commitment is to ministry there plus the income helped. Especially when hours were cut at the Hospital. Just quitting crossed my mind but right now replacing the income is at best difficult. plus it would leave a gaping hole there; which I am not prepared to do right now. So I am praying for the Lord to guide my steps.

So what's the answer? I don't know, its kind of scary too. My faith and mind tells me God is in control He will provide. My experience tells me this is true. Yet... my emotions say otherwise. I have anger, fear, disappointment, and a part of me just wants to hide out until this recession is over. How irrational is that.

One big thing I may have to cut is my Friday night out at the club. I cut back not eating there just drinking the soda and maybe a beer. then I am not tipping the dancers like I was which is hard because I like them! So I may have to cut that back and not go, perhaps just once a month. This is something I look forward to and and its so nice to be around other gay men!



I ask that you please pray for me to have peace and guidance through this time. I also ask you if your not already, to pray for all the folks in our nation who are looking for work . Who are losing homes, cars, having trouble paying bills because of job loss or cuts in hours and pay. Please lets band together an pray. Thank You