A Decision NO to Church Employment

In my job search I have watch for church related jobs which I might feel a sense of call to. Yet in the back of my mind there is an uneasiness about applying for any job in a church. This has bothered me until I prayed about it and thought this through.

I have come to the conclusion that for me a job in a church will not work for me. At least right now. The reason for this is simple, unless the church is a completely open and affirming I would not fit in. Open and affirming is hard to find in these parts. I would always be concerned about being outed, and the consequences or that event.

The consequences I am very concerned about, first the loss of income, job, and so forth. There is a consequence that goes deeper, that is how my being outed in even a liberal setting would effect those I would serve. I have seen how something like that has impacted a church in my younger years and it was very painful for all involved. I am acutely aware of the spiritual implications and wish to avoid that situation if at all possible.

Now my current ministry setting is completely different. As long as my personal life does not impact my work, there is no problem. The other thing is if I took a call to a church, I would not be able to totally be me, I would be fearful of going to a gay club, (not wanting to be seen going to or from by someone connected with the church.) fearful of being seen with my tranny or obviously gay friends for the same reason. I don't want that for me or them. then there is the issue of sex. If I were working in a church I would have to be celibate. I went for so long without intimacy that I feel like that would be going backward for me. Plus I am searching for someone to be my partner. that would to be put on hold.

I have told myself that I could do this just until the opened another door, yet that would not be true to myself, my Lord, or the church. I want to be real, the real me in every sense of what that means and its such a struggle!

Finally, my call is not to serve in the four walls of the church, the Lord has expanded that for me and it has opened a whole new world. For those who may read this and are working in a church, I think you understand what I am saying. I understand your struggle, unless your in an open and affirming place its oh so difficult! I pray for you, please pray for me!

Happy Friday Waking up!

Well its Friday again! Another week of busyness, good busyness. I had 4 on call nights in the last week and had calls each time but last night. Tuesday/Wednesday was long, two calls in the wee hours, I was able to rest in between. We had staff at noon so I did not go home until it was all over.
Not having a call last night was a blessing, being able to sleep (though lightly) was nice. Today I need to do something special for myself. not sure what. Lunch out? Dinner at the club?

There is so much on my mind right now, not sure what or how to share it and what I need to express here.

Things are tough for all of us, me as well, so I have come to a decision I will share in here in the near future. Plus I am working through a thought process in my search for a job to add to my portfolio. I will be writing about it here. Being gay comes with a lot of things to think about as you all know.

WAKE UP ALREADY!!
A friend was saying to me last night that I am waking up to life. WOW, a true observation! I am waking up to so many things! big and small. I am surprised at how the small things add up. Taste in music, places I go, people I meet and are friends to me. Here I am in my late 40's and just just waking up!

I have come to the place that if I am asked, I will tell! Yet, I have been warned to protect myself, my job, my future. My next posting will be about job stuff. Take care all.

Hook Up at a RETREAT!?? A New Experience

Well I have not blogged anything of real substance in sometime. There is one experience I want to share. Sorry if this is verbose, I want to explain the context.

Back in late October I attended a staff retreat that combined the our department staffs of three Hospitals. Our bosses were there as well as two VP's. What an occasion. We went out of town to a retreat center in Richmond. Quite a drive for a one day retreat! At this center there were other groups meeting, it is a Christian retreat center and a place known for focus on prayer, prayer for the city, nation, world. a place with a focus on the needs of the total person.

The staff of this center comprise different denominations including the Metropolitan Community Church! I was pleased with that. The retreat went very well and met a need in each one who attended.

My Experience, I noticed this cute guy as I walked down the hall to our meeting room and said hello as we passed. There was something about him the registered in my "gaydar" . I saw him another time in the coffee room as well, he was in a group meeting in the next room from us.

Well after lunch we had some free time to wander the grounds, pray, reflect and so forth. toward the end of that time I was coming down the hall near our room. There was no one else around, and this guy came up to me invading "my space" said hello. Then turned into the bathroom!

Well the invitation was clear to me, and I thought about following him. However, I stopped myself. First of all the idea of a public rest room scares me, Not my way of meeting a potential boyfriend. I have a friend who was arrested doing that. (not that would happen in a private place like this)Then there was the issue of time and place, I was on the clock, at a retreat with coworkers, and administrators. The what ifs ran through my mind. So I went on down the hall.

I wish now I had the opportunity to talk with him and maybe set up a date for another time.
It runs through my mind could he have been someone special in my life? Or am I being overly optimistic? When I got home, I went on Craig's list under missed connections and posted a message in the hope he would see it. There has not been any response.

Actually that is the first time anything quite like that has happened to me. It was a new experience, but I a paranoid person. Not just the possible "outing" but the consequences. or am I missing something?

Thanksgiving 2009

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving! Hope this Thanksgiving finds you healthy, employed with everything that sustains us in life.

In these hard times this day I invite you to count the blessings you HAVE, not think of what you don't have. Think positive. Thank God for all he provides and remember HE is in charge of everything we have it all comes from Him. I am saying that to myself because I tend to think of negative things and wish for better. Times are tough for us all, me included.

I invite you to remember in prayer all those who have sustained losses this year. Whatever that loss maybe. Ask our Lord to sustain them with His peace, protection, power in the Holy Spirit.
I say this to myself because I need to remind myself of others, help others, and remember God is my provider, not myself or my employer but my heavenly Father.

Lets be thankful for the victories our community has accomplished this year as well. Gay marriage legalized in a number of states, several in GLBT community who were given Presidential medals this year. Just to name a few.

Be Thankful I Thes 5 17-19

You Never Know What You Will Find in The store

Found this in the store today interesting!

Sunday Sundries

Several sundry things, Job thoughts, church thoughts, Worship, diet and exercise.

Job thoughts, I have not had any interviews, I think because not applied for the "right" job yet... perhaps. Chaplain jobs right now are far and few between, plus most are part time, not gonna consider moving for a part time job! Don't wanna move anyway. Whatever job I find will need to have a schedule that will allow me to keep the Hospital ministry. That is a challenge the schedule there is so crazy! One thought is to go more to the Ethics side of things hmm, more on that later. One thought is trying to teach, at least as a sub at a christian school. Of course if they find out I'm gay that won't work. Should I try anyway? It might lead to other things, for instance I would like to get to the place where I can teach part time on the Jr college level.

Church thoughts, I am aware of several gay friendly churches in the area. Problem is my schedule at the ALF keeps me from trying any of them out. So a thought occurred, why not go over earlier and attend a early service (if the church has one) where the church is close to the ALF? Something to try, gotta think outside the box. There is a UCC and a Disciples not far from the ALF.

Worship, Personal Worship has become so important to me, a big part of my spirituality. You don't have to be in stained glass church to worship. I have found I worship in my car, I break out in song and prayer at home, on a walk, exercising. I contemplate the Scripture I receive via email each day. I still hold fast many of the doctrines I know to be true, although I also find I've expanded my outlook and spirituality to include more liturgical styles. I am practicing the disciplines of meditation, silence, as part of my Scripture and prayer times. Personal worship has added a new dimension to my spirituality.

Diet and Exercise ug! I am trying some new things, first diet. I am eating blueberries on my oatmeal or cheerios in the morning. I also started drinking a small glass of V8 fruit juice (diet). Morning snack consists of 4 peanut butter crackers. Lunch depends on where I am, usually salad, soup, or a regular meal. Afternoon snack is yogurt, dinner is normal. Exercise, a friend gave me an ablounger so I'm trying to use that, I go to the fitness center at the complex at least twice a week. I use my gym membership less( on the other side of town) but need to at least once a week for a hard work out. I discovered my gym company is opening a center down the street from the ALF so I can go there!

I've put on a lot of the weight I lost, so now I need to lose it again. Exercise for me is the biggest key. I don't eat like I used to, and I've shrunk my stomach so like today I ate a big meal, I was sooo stuffed I did not like the feeling! I'm not eating the wrong snacks like I was. The only other thing is the on call, having sleep interrupted or delayed is not very healthy. I average at least 1 but usually 2 calls a night. Most of the serious needs occur over night. So I'm stuck there! Next weekend I have three nights in a row! I'm going to try and change that. Or is that not being a servant?

so job, church, diet sundries.

Presidential Medal of Freedom!!!!!!!

Hello to anyone who still reads this blog! Its been almost a month since my last post, still have not finished my personal statement of faith I assigned myself some time ago. I will. At the Hospital we are short one person doing on call and guess who is taking up some of the slack? I have been doing every other night for over a month now! We don't always have calls, which is both a good and bad news thing. However, for me up to this week I've had at least two calls every night! A few times it was more than that. I found myself becoming rather weary, and at times compassion fatigued. That is not good in ministry! By the grace of God Ive had two on call nights this week with no calls. It was nice to sleep the night through, (mostly) and have 3 nights in a row like that. So I am ready to for duty as needed.

Some exciting news with a gay twist! Yesterday President Obama awarded Harvey Milk a postumas Medal of Freedom for his gay activism, and self sacrafice. Also Billie Jean King was awarded one as well. Imagine that...Its a good thing.

Please lets keep the gay community in prayer and keep moving forward in a positive way, plowing around those groups and issues that would stop our progress. If Harvey Milk could see us now.

TOO LONG

Well its been too long since my last post. I will finish my confession of faith and post it soon. Alot has been going on, work mostly and looking to replace the assisted living job with something else. But what? A lot of thoughts have had my mind occupied of late. Too many to mention here. The biggest is relationship! No nothing new there, thats why its a big thought. Am I ready?

Been thinking of trying some different clubs in the area too, a chance to meet new people? We have about 7 or 8 in the area. There are a few I would not try not my kind of place. One I want to try, I am told by friends not to go there the first time alone, to go with them next time they go, so I will. I am so glad I don't work in a church setting, none of what I have accomplished in the last 4 years would have "come out" had I been working in a church. Too risky.

Oh BIG news flash, my new boss at the Hospital, he was coordinator under my last boss knows I am gay, and accepts me. I actually think he knew a long time ago (along with my last boss). I did my CPE with them. Well until next time keep looking up

My confession of Faith Part 1

Preface: In reality faith is very simple; it’s what one believes in his or her heart. We humans make it much more complicated than it really is. Often we try to add this or that to the Gospel, and faith as a requirement. As a Christian gay it is more prevalent. I have heard oh all gay people are doomed to hell just for being gay. I will deal with this more when I confess what I believe about Salvation. I come from a conservative Baptist background, where the only thing I heard about being gay was negative. Also there was a narrow view of Scripture and its interpretation. Free thought and personal exploration were not encouraged. However, in my early teens I had a pastor who taught us to go to the Scripture ourselves and examine it under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and test what he was teaching. That was a beginning. My current pastor (again a Baptist church) has taught me to be ecumenical, to work with folk from other denominations. This helped me when I began work in my chaplain ministry. This background was both a hindrance and in some ways a help to my journey out of the closet. Since beginning my coming out process, my rainbow fish journey; I have found my theology has changed to be more open and accepting of others beliefs. Perhaps that is the biggest most important change. An instance of this is a Lutheran friend of mine nick named me her liturgical Baptist friend. I am very liturgical in my ministry; again my current pastor had a lot to do with this. This has led me to write this confession to define what I believe and perhaps identify ways it has changed. Perhaps a better way to say it I began to own and better understand my faith. I am coming to the point in my journey where I need to make some decisions about my church affiliation. Up till now where I am has worked, I hope doing this confession will help me define where I need to be.

THE ESSENTIALS:
The Trinity: I believe there is one God in three persons, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Trinity existed before the foundation for the world. They were present and active in creation. The Word of God, the Breath of God.

God: Is Father who is omniscient, ever present and powerful creator, sustainer of life. God Yahweh, Jehovah is on His throne in Heaven, in control of everything, over all, in all, through all. He all knowing, He is all powerful, righteous, Holy Father. He deserves all praise honor and glory. God the Father is the author of life, He is the author of love.

Son: Jesus Christ, Emmanuel, God with us. He is God incarnate, John 1:1 The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. Our Lord Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, lived, walked, and ministered on earth. He revealed Himself to sinful man and gave himself as the sacrifice for everyone’s sin. Which reconciles man with the Father. He died on the cross willingly was buried and on the third day rose victorious over sin, death and the grave. He revealed Himself risen Savior and ascended into heaven before the eyes of His disciples. Jesus Christ is now seated at the right hand of the Father in heaven as glorified Lord. There will come a day when every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. The wonderful thing is we have the opportunity to do that now in our life. We have the Choice.

Spirit: The Holy Spirit, the helper, the breath of God is the person of the trinity who indwells the believer at salvation. The Holy Spirit has the ministry of convicting of sin, and righteousness, leading, teaching. The Spirit empowers the believer to live a Christ like life. The Holy Spirit seals the believer for salvation. The Spirit empowers the application of the Scripture in the heart of the Believer. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us in our prayers. The Spirit guides us, speaks truth to our heart.
More later.

Some Trivia

Trivia from OUT Magazine

There are 1500 side effects blamed on Viagra, a few are blindness, deafness, hiccups, foaming at the mouth, a u shaped cock(that would happen only once) and death.

June is Pride month last year there were 500,000 participants in the New York parade. In 1970 the first parade there were 200.

Abraham Lincoln is said to have shared a bed with his friend Joshua Speed for 4 years when they were in their 20's. hmmm.

Not trivia but I am working on a post I will share in the near future. Its a confession of faith or perhaps my personal theology in writing. Its involved and I am trying not to be verbose. This is the result of me nailing down what I believe since I don't really fit the Baptist mold anymore. Plus during my CPE experience my supervisor urged me to do this. I never did until now.

I hope doing this exercise and sharing it here will help me see where I fit in church life. I want to be true to Christ, and I hope find a place to worship where I can be honest about who I am not have to overlook too much or be concerned about being pushed out. I can say the only real change in my theology is that it has broadened in many ways which the church of my background would most likely say makes me very liberal and perhaps in a heretic in their eyes. Well if that is the case so be it! I still know Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour!

Doing Both Together

Happy Saturday to all! Well I have made a decision. Finally! What takes me so long sometimes I don't know.

I have applied to a local university to earn the Master of Education in Counseling. Its a 39 credit degree program that will give me the counseling basics as well as research basics. This coupled with bereavement certification will be a good combination. Now I also want to apply to another university that has an extension center locally which offers a Master of Arts in Theology. Its a 36 credit degree program which offers courses in ethics, spiritual direction, philosophy of theology, pastoral theology. Add this to what I already have will provide a well rounded training experience I feel.

These two degrees are specific applied to the area of ministry I am working and interested in. you may ask what can I do with these degrees? Well, I can counsel in almost any community agency, I can do school counseling as well. With the MA I can teach on college level with both of these but specifically religion courses on the community college level. as well it gives a degree toward chaplaincy. I am not interested in church ministry.

The M.Div is the standard and what most Hospitals look for. These two will give me give me the 72 hours required by APC for certification. I will actually have a few more then that. This I hope will give me the equivalent.

Now my next decision is should I try to do both degrees at the same time assuming I have the financial resources and time to take two classes a semester. I would take a class in each degree program each semester. I will go year round until they are completed. The other option is to work on one at a time taking two classes each semester. Which ever it is I need to get going.

I ask for your prayers as I make the applications that I be accepted in both programs, and know if two or one at a time. Plus your input as always is welcome. There is wisdom in a number of counselors. Blessings to you.

Tax Day This and That

Well where to start? I am off today only day this week which is a good thing for the paycheck. I spent part of the day taking care of the taxes. I owe big time this year, can't figure that one out, I had more taken out last year too! hmmm scratch! I am delighted that the IRS allows one to make payments.

On another financial note, please pray for me, I have some issues to deal with and need the Lord's and others guidance. I cant do this alone.

Today I went to the Mall! how exciting huh. While I was eating lunch these two cute young guys walked up to my table and asked if there was anything they could pray for me for. It was nice we had prayer right there. i appreciated that.

I cant do this alone. This has been my prayer of late, recognizing and acknowledging that I can't do this alone. I can't minister on my own, I can't live my life for myself or by myself. I need to live my life by the power our Lord provides. It humbling to pray that prayer and go through the list of how I am dependent on the Lord.

i have some major life changing decisions about education, career and such. Sometimes its overwhelming. When it gets that way i don't move, its like I am frozen. then nothing gets done. I hate that! God is faithful ,I trust my steps will be right at the right time.