The Car

The original plan for this post was to be my plan of action for 2010. However, something more pressing has come up. You see I own a 2001 Taurus wagon that has 175,000 miles on it. It has been a very good dependable car, I have no complaints. I live in an area where a dependable car is essential for getting to and from anywhere. We have a very poor public transportation system.

In 2007 I had to replace a gasket which cost $1200. In 2008 I had another $600 repair, in the fall of 2009 I had another $700 repair. Now just a few months later it appears I need to spend another $700 for a water pump, and pulley and some other thing. The shop did not give me a written estimate. Which is fishy to me. This time I do not have the $700, I applied for one of those 90 days same as cash things but was declined. When I told the shop I could not do anything today they told me they did not recommend me driving the car. It scared me, I DEPEND on my car! As I look back on it I wonder if it was not just a scare tactic? Or could it be real.

As I prayed about this today I am not sure I should put anymore money like that in this car. I have been feeling its time to replace it with a newer model. At least new to me.

Here is my dilemma, I am giving serious consideration to filing bankruptcy, chapter 7. I am considering this to protect my income, my rent, utility payments, food gas and such. I now see that continuing to try and pay off my creditors which I have fallen behind on, which has made the debt higher, appears to be throwing good money after bad. Money that has been reduced due to reduced hours. I fear I may need protection from the financial jackals if you will. I have even reduced what I give to the Lord's work and save for emergencies, which I am feeling convicted and conflicted about, to pay on these credit cards. Cards which I might add I have NOT used in several years. I don't use credit cards anymore.

How will the purchase of another vehicle impact this potential filing? even if I can get another vehicle. I don't want to do anything wrong or lose the newer car with no way of replacing it.

I am praying this through and seeking wisdom. If you read this and are a person of faith please pray for me to know the right direction to go. If you have any words of wisdom I am open to hear it. I never thought I would ever be in a predicament of this kind. I am reaping the fruit of unwise decisions and don't want to go there again!

thanks and God Bless.

2009 Reflection

Here it is already the 5th of January and I'm just getting around to writing my reflection on the last year!

2009 was the best and worst of times in my life. Best in that I was able to grow in my spirituality and grow so much more comfortable in my sexuality. Peace with God and myself in this area grew amazingly. In 2009 our Lord enabled me to keep my two jobs, and grow my experience in the Hospital ministry to where I feel I am truly making a difference in many ways. In keeping the jobs I was also enabled to keep a roof over my head, heat, light, food and keep a car on the road.

2009 was the worst of times in that I had my hours in one job cut in half. This has made things tenuous at times down right scary! I was not able to secure alternate employment, not even in retail or substitution. Things are truly hard all over. Financially, the year saw the erosion of my savings. Money that was supposed to go for education expenses. It also saw me become behind in credit payments. This is an issue that must be dealt with in 2010. More on that later.

I'm glad we are in a new year, gives a chance for fresh thinking and direction.
HAPPY NEW YEAR

Merry Christmas

Pictured from top to bottom My candlelight celebration, My patio lights, My church on Christmas Eve

And the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us! John 1:14

There was a great light!

Merry Christmas everybody!













Peace to you, grace from our Father in Heaven.

The Tree!

Soon after Thanksgiving I put up my outside lights. just a few strands around my potted plants.
I enjoy turning them on and it makes a nice display. Its fun, I used to decorate the outside of our house with lights and a large lighted wreath. a part of me misses those days even though I was locked up in myself!

I did not put up my tree this year since I was going out of town for Christmas, and I just was not in the mood.

Now that I am staying here I decided to put up the small table top tree, its a charlie brown tree but I put a few ornaments I like on it and its lit up so it will be nice. I set out some candles as well, for Christmas Eve . I'm going out in the morning to buy some food for dinner, Breakfast Christmas morning. Christmas dinner will be with my group of friends, which will be nice.

Home for Christmas

This Christmas was to be the one I would spend with my family, mother(94) sister, her family, and brothers. However, because of the weather, I will not be making the trek to the mountains. Not because of difficulty getting there but difficulty getting back for work on the weekend.

I was looking forward to seeing my mother and sister, and us all being together this Christmas. the food, (especially the cookies) but now plans have changed. Gone are the days when we lived in the same area. Oh well.

I will just have to make the best of it here, at least I will be able to attend my church service Christmas Eve, and I am looking for another Carol and Candlelight service to attend late that night. Then I will have dinner with my group for friends Christmas night. I will miss my mother though!

There is a reason for everything!

Open and Affirming Churches

I have been looking around the internet for denominations and specific churches that are gay open and affirming. A very good resource is a web site http://www.gaychurch.org/. It lists churches of all sorts in every state. Unfortunately in my area there are very few to choose from. I visited two in the past. The worship styles were very different, even from what I'm used to. There is an MCC locally I have yet to visit.

Some inclusive Denominations I am aware of are

United Church of Christ, however its up to each local congregation to decide if they are inclusive or not. There are 10 or so in my area but only two advertise themselves as open and affirming.

Disciples of Christ, a very open denomination, I like them, and considering them.

Metropolitan Community Church, A denomination started to reach out to the LGTB community. It also attracts a number of straight people as well. Not sure if the National Council of Churches recognizes them... they should.

The Episcopal Church in USA has made great strides in being more inclusive. This year with the church position on ordaining Bishops who are gay. There are parish Priests who live openly.

The Lutheran Church is working toward being more inclusive officially, there are individual Parishes who are very inclusive, of their clergy as well.

I found a website for Baptist Churches, http://www.rainbowbaptists.org/ This amazes and pleases me to know there are Baptists out there that are this progressive, but there none in my area. Some churches in every denomination have moved toward inclusiveness, The Presbyterian church is a good example of this.

These are a few that I am aware of. Are there others? I will continue to look for a a church home I can be open in and with.

More On church Employment

In thinking about working for a church, I think there is an instance when it could work well for me.

If the church is an open and affirming place, understands the need and desire for a relationship, and the position is one which allows me to exercise my personal call and gifts; then it could work very well and be a place of growth and service.

Allow me to unpack the above for a moment.

A. Open and affirming, would be a place where I could be safe and comfortable coming out and everyone knowing and being comfortable with me as a person and my serving there. Is there such a place that is truly open and affirming?

B. Desire for a relationship encompasses many thoughts and life issues. The main point here is serving a place where they know, understand and accept my seeking a relationship and dating as a gay man, a minister in their church family.

C. Most importantly, it would be a place which allows me to minister freely using my gifts, and fulfilling my call in their midst. This means a secure staff position which involves providing pastoral care, counseling, leading and training leaders to facilitate support groups of various kinds, a Stephen ministry, discipleship and spiritual direction ministries. The opportunity to lead in Worship from time to time. All in a place where I can also learn and grow continuing my journey of self discovery.

Somewhere in the world there is a place where at least some of the above is available. but for it all to be there would make it a "perfect church", on earth that does not exist.

A Decision NO to Church Employment

In my job search I have watch for church related jobs which I might feel a sense of call to. Yet in the back of my mind there is an uneasiness about applying for any job in a church. This has bothered me until I prayed about it and thought this through.

I have come to the conclusion that for me a job in a church will not work for me. At least right now. The reason for this is simple, unless the church is a completely open and affirming I would not fit in. Open and affirming is hard to find in these parts. I would always be concerned about being outed, and the consequences or that event.

The consequences I am very concerned about, first the loss of income, job, and so forth. There is a consequence that goes deeper, that is how my being outed in even a liberal setting would effect those I would serve. I have seen how something like that has impacted a church in my younger years and it was very painful for all involved. I am acutely aware of the spiritual implications and wish to avoid that situation if at all possible.

Now my current ministry setting is completely different. As long as my personal life does not impact my work, there is no problem. The other thing is if I took a call to a church, I would not be able to totally be me, I would be fearful of going to a gay club, (not wanting to be seen going to or from by someone connected with the church.) fearful of being seen with my tranny or obviously gay friends for the same reason. I don't want that for me or them. then there is the issue of sex. If I were working in a church I would have to be celibate. I went for so long without intimacy that I feel like that would be going backward for me. Plus I am searching for someone to be my partner. that would to be put on hold.

I have told myself that I could do this just until the opened another door, yet that would not be true to myself, my Lord, or the church. I want to be real, the real me in every sense of what that means and its such a struggle!

Finally, my call is not to serve in the four walls of the church, the Lord has expanded that for me and it has opened a whole new world. For those who may read this and are working in a church, I think you understand what I am saying. I understand your struggle, unless your in an open and affirming place its oh so difficult! I pray for you, please pray for me!

Happy Friday Waking up!

Well its Friday again! Another week of busyness, good busyness. I had 4 on call nights in the last week and had calls each time but last night. Tuesday/Wednesday was long, two calls in the wee hours, I was able to rest in between. We had staff at noon so I did not go home until it was all over.
Not having a call last night was a blessing, being able to sleep (though lightly) was nice. Today I need to do something special for myself. not sure what. Lunch out? Dinner at the club?

There is so much on my mind right now, not sure what or how to share it and what I need to express here.

Things are tough for all of us, me as well, so I have come to a decision I will share in here in the near future. Plus I am working through a thought process in my search for a job to add to my portfolio. I will be writing about it here. Being gay comes with a lot of things to think about as you all know.

WAKE UP ALREADY!!
A friend was saying to me last night that I am waking up to life. WOW, a true observation! I am waking up to so many things! big and small. I am surprised at how the small things add up. Taste in music, places I go, people I meet and are friends to me. Here I am in my late 40's and just just waking up!

I have come to the place that if I am asked, I will tell! Yet, I have been warned to protect myself, my job, my future. My next posting will be about job stuff. Take care all.

Hook Up at a RETREAT!?? A New Experience

Well I have not blogged anything of real substance in sometime. There is one experience I want to share. Sorry if this is verbose, I want to explain the context.

Back in late October I attended a staff retreat that combined the our department staffs of three Hospitals. Our bosses were there as well as two VP's. What an occasion. We went out of town to a retreat center in Richmond. Quite a drive for a one day retreat! At this center there were other groups meeting, it is a Christian retreat center and a place known for focus on prayer, prayer for the city, nation, world. a place with a focus on the needs of the total person.

The staff of this center comprise different denominations including the Metropolitan Community Church! I was pleased with that. The retreat went very well and met a need in each one who attended.

My Experience, I noticed this cute guy as I walked down the hall to our meeting room and said hello as we passed. There was something about him the registered in my "gaydar" . I saw him another time in the coffee room as well, he was in a group meeting in the next room from us.

Well after lunch we had some free time to wander the grounds, pray, reflect and so forth. toward the end of that time I was coming down the hall near our room. There was no one else around, and this guy came up to me invading "my space" said hello. Then turned into the bathroom!

Well the invitation was clear to me, and I thought about following him. However, I stopped myself. First of all the idea of a public rest room scares me, Not my way of meeting a potential boyfriend. I have a friend who was arrested doing that. (not that would happen in a private place like this)Then there was the issue of time and place, I was on the clock, at a retreat with coworkers, and administrators. The what ifs ran through my mind. So I went on down the hall.

I wish now I had the opportunity to talk with him and maybe set up a date for another time.
It runs through my mind could he have been someone special in my life? Or am I being overly optimistic? When I got home, I went on Craig's list under missed connections and posted a message in the hope he would see it. There has not been any response.

Actually that is the first time anything quite like that has happened to me. It was a new experience, but I a paranoid person. Not just the possible "outing" but the consequences. or am I missing something?

Thanksgiving 2009

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving! Hope this Thanksgiving finds you healthy, employed with everything that sustains us in life.

In these hard times this day I invite you to count the blessings you HAVE, not think of what you don't have. Think positive. Thank God for all he provides and remember HE is in charge of everything we have it all comes from Him. I am saying that to myself because I tend to think of negative things and wish for better. Times are tough for us all, me included.

I invite you to remember in prayer all those who have sustained losses this year. Whatever that loss maybe. Ask our Lord to sustain them with His peace, protection, power in the Holy Spirit.
I say this to myself because I need to remind myself of others, help others, and remember God is my provider, not myself or my employer but my heavenly Father.

Lets be thankful for the victories our community has accomplished this year as well. Gay marriage legalized in a number of states, several in GLBT community who were given Presidential medals this year. Just to name a few.

Be Thankful I Thes 5 17-19

You Never Know What You Will Find in The store

Found this in the store today interesting!