My Birthday

Saturday was my Birthday! It marked 48 years I have been on this earth. Hard to believe, but true. I did not do anything special, but go to dinner at the Outback. Then I had dessert at the club. It was a relaxing day.

My prayer on that day was one of thanks to my Lord for His faithfulness, His love, His grace. I have come so far from whence I came! I also prayed for my future, for God to lead me to knock on the right doors, and to have faith and strength to walk through the right one. How do people who do not have faith in their life do it? Jer 29:11

Thinking from whence I came. Every year on my birthday, I pause to reflect on my life. This year I am so different from who I was last year. By grace I am not who I was, growth has been larger than life. Finding peace with myself has been a blessing. Yet at the sametime there is still turmoil; I relate to the song I hear on KLove, "Lord what you are doing inside me feels like Kaos yet somehow there is peace" How true it is!

For anyone who might read this blog, no matter who you are. I believe God is real with all my heart, He loves you with an everlasting love, and has a purpose for you. He gives us all something to live for. take a moment to pause and pray, thinking from whence you came. Perhaps asking Jesus Christ to be your Lord for the first time.

As for me, The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, is the God of me. Amen

Soli Deo Gloria

A Lesson Learned

This is something I hesitate to blog, but this is why I have this blog. To be able to write about thoughts, feelings, and experiences. About a month and a half ago I met a guy at the club. He seemed interested and interesting. It turned out he gives massages for extra income on the side, "plus extra service". Well I was mildly intetrested, I enjoy a good massage, but I don't pay for sex. I decided not to take him up on his offer. Well it did not end there, he showed up the next week. To make a long story shorter, I paid him to give me a massage, but that was it. It was not the best or even the better massage than I have had. After this he again showed up at the club and began to bother me, wanting me to buy him drinks, ect. well I told him no, and moved to another area of the club. I basically dissed him. He persisted not only with me but was approaching others. I went to the owner of the club, who is a friend of mine, and told him. He was pissed and approached him and told him he could not hang out in there without buying something himself. He left. When I left he followed me almost to my complex. He had my phone number, Yeah I know I stupidly gave it to him. A lesson learned. He called my number about every hour, I turned my phone off, then turned the ringer off to his calls. The next time I was at the club I told the owner, who gave me a lecture about being more careful. Honestly I am careful, but some how this one got through. I also told my best friend, who lectured me also. That next Friday night he showed up again! This time he had someone with him but that person left. He followed me everywhere in the club I went. I finally told him to stop, I was not interested. The owner, one of the bouncers, and my best friend confronted him. He was told to leave and never come back there! They do not tolerate guys bothering patrons, especially regulars. The phone calls continued off and on up until last week, but I did not notice being followed or anything. Well maybe once. Now I think its over, Thank the Lord! A lesson learned.

Coming Out Again

Well I want to write and say it happened again! At the Assisted Living, with another director. this time the Marketing Director who is also from Europe. This is unique, and it also happened very naturally. Although I had stumbled to say it to her. I came out in much the same fashion as I did with the other director. When I said she was like...So whats the big deal?

Let give you some history with this lady. She is much younger in her mid 20's, married with 2 children, when I first started there she had only been there a short while. Our house keeping director took us on a tour to see the various apartments. When we were in IL, and looked at an empty place there, the rumor was started that the chaplain and his wife were moving into apt. 13! It has stuck as a joke around the place, at times folk we work with say tell your husband to take care of... your wife did so and so. Especially when she needs pastoral services for a resident she summon me like she is my wife.

Well she is safe to tell, both as a coworker and a friend. Unfortunately she will be leaving soon. Perhaps that is why I was able to tell her. I think I would have told her anyway. Plus she knew or at least suspected. Again have I become obvious?

It was a big relief to me to tell her, and we had a great conversation about it. It is amazing how open, accepting and affirming Europeans are to GLBT folk. Not all uptight like we Americans, especially the "christian" right or wrong however you look at it. I hope i am not being hateful saying that. Yesterday while stopped in the two of them cornered me and warned me not to come out to anyone else there for my protection. Well Duh!

Reality is I do have to be carefull to protect myself, my job, my future. Yet at the same time there is a part of me that does not care who knows. That could be dangerous I guess. Or is it?

9-11

Today as I think back on that morning; I remember in 2001. What a horrendous day that was! I recall coming home from an overnight at the Hospital, a tough night at that. I fell into bed and was sound asleep when I was awakened by a phone call from my boss. Telling me what had happened, and there was a recall of staff to the Hospital in case we needed to care for either victims or transfers from other facilities to make room for victims. Since I had worked the night before he put me on stand by.

There were no victims transfered to our area.

I remember the fear, the anger, the grief I felt. For a long time I could not watch programs about the attacks, only this year have I been able to watch the clips of the attacks. It still brings tears to my eyes.

We must never forget the events of 9-11-01, lest it happen again. I remember those who died innocently at the twin towers. No one I knew personally. Again no one I knew at the Pentagon. Then I think of the plane in Pennsylvania. How incredible they were to take action. They could very well have saved people at the Pentagon or perhaps even saved Capitol.

How life has changed, from airport security, military deployments, a war, even how one opens a post office box. or a bank account. In the back of my mind there is always the possibility that it could happen again. Whenever there is a large gathering or a busy shopping time, it crosses my mind. Yet I still go to the games, the malls, I am not going to limit what I do. I am going to live my life.

Politics

My sister sent me information she read in her local paper about the republican VP candidate Palin. Apparently her church is beginng a program to pray for homosexuals to be changed to Heterosexual. Now can you imagine that? They intend to do for me what I could not do through prayer all my life!! Now don't get me wrong, I am a believer in the power of prayer, and have seen God work miracles through it. However, prayer is NOT going to change who God intended a person to be. In essence change God's plan for a person? I don't think so.

Now in the past I voted predominantly, republican. Yeah I know how dumb is that? Well I never voted a one party ticket. I vote for the person and issue not the party. I cannot support a candidate whose party platform encourages any form of hate of any group. I have come to "fear" the "religious right" notice I did not call them Christian. The type of thing we are hearing is not only hate but religious persecution. I will not support that. This candidate seems to do just that. I still have quams about Obama though, I am praying about that.

Labor Day This and That

Labor 2008 was different. My first in this apartment. I got home from my overnight at the Hospital intent on resting until the picnic. Well two Mormon missionaries woke me out of a sound sleep. I was a little annoyed, there is a no solicitation policy in the complex. Still I spoke to them about my faith, and listened to them a few minutes before telling them I needed to get back to wait I was doing.

The picnic was nice, I went and saw folks I had not seen in quite sometime. The food was good and the time was enjoyable. I was able to catch up with what was going on with people I knew and their children. So that was my old home week shot in the arm until Christmas.

I was relieved to hear the hurricane did not hit as a cat 4 or 3. I think an answer to prayer. Still nothing to sneeze at! still a lot of damage. Now where is Hannah going? I hope it waffles to a tropical depression and gives needed rain to the southeast. Just no damageing winds or floods. Please Lord! Hear our prayer!

September is here! Autum is favorite time of year. The cooler temps, color of the leaves, my birthday, harvest celebrations, the acorn festival, church bazars, Halloween, Thanksgiving then Christmas. I love it all. What fun!

I do so want to enjoy life, have fun. I need to have fun, after years of being a stick in the mud, just existing, working, caregiving, working some more. Now I hope is my time. I have decisions to make about my future, about continuing my education. I am praying on that. I still think I need to have my income and work situations more stable. Its all part of working out my life, my sexuality, my salvation.

Hurricanes Big and Bad

Living along the east coast, we have the opportunity to experience hurrincanes up close an personal. Isabel was nothing to sneeze at, the damage it caused to northeast North Carolina and the southestern portion of Virginia took months to recover from. In the Tidewater area we have the sound to the south, the ocean to the east and the bay to the northeast. So flooding from three directions as the storm moves through. Yet all the problems we experienced during Isabel are nothing compared to the destruction Katrina brought to the gulf coast states. They are still rebuilding and recovering from its lasting impact. The lives that were lost, the illness it caused, the loss of livlihood, home, possesions, history. I cannot imagine, yet it can happen anywhere any time. By hurricane, tornado, bad thunderstorm.

Here we are again, facing another monster storm! The gulf coast states facing a direct hit. How horrendous. I feel helpless. Yet I am not, I can pray, I am praying. Please join me in praying for this storm to diminish in strength and size. To veer away from any land and go to sea and fizzle out. Join me in praying for the preparations, for the evacuees, those in the helping roles, for leaders. Pray for protection. There are other storms out there, it could happen anywhere.

Another Coming Out (of sorts)

OMG!!! What a day yesterday was. I walked into the office of our housekeeping director at the assisted Living where I am Chaplain part time. She is from Europe, and is in a bi-racial marriage of 25 years. We have a lot of conversations about her family, her employees. Well yesterday I was sharing some work related issues with her, and concerns about the future. Nothing specific about my sexuality. She turned to me and said, "This is 2008, don't you think its time you stop worrying about what people think, and just enjoy living your life and be who you are?" I just looked at her and thought she knows!!! She went on to say something about ministry that who I am should not impact my ability to minister. In fact dealing with it would make me a better minister. Also that if I am not accepted, then change my audience go where I am accepted and minister there.

We talked about it, and she told me the employees here know, or they suspect and its OK. It makes me human to them, not someone who has to be walked around very carefully. she also mentioned there are others here who are gay as well. yes, I know at least 1 for sure. After that I don't remember much else about the conversation. I wonder have I become obvious?

I am still processing this, its quite a journey. But for someone to say its OK, be who you are in the way she did I think is significant.

The Invitation

Well the mail came today and in it was an invitation to a "Summer Get Together" from Miss Betty! This brings up so many memories, and emotions. Let me explain who she is... my Sunday School teacher from the time I joined my home church till the time I started college. She also led the youth department I was a part of. Otherwords a right good while! I was part of this church as a member, and staff member. The church was a large and unique SBC church in our city. I say unique it was annointed in the respect that we had many visitors every week and people would hear and respond to the gospel message weekly. It was quite a shock for me when I went on staff at another church it found what I was used to was not the "norm". This church family gave me my beginings in spiritual things, (that is besides what my mother gave me) set me on a firm foundation as it were. One on which I rely today. At the same time it also bound me up with regard to my sexuality, not so much the church but the tradition in which the church stood. This coupled with family things kept me bound up until my late thirties. The people who will be at this get together are folk who I consider family. They nurtured me, saw me through some very difficult times, watched me grow up, some grew up with me. Some were parents to me, certainly Miss Betty and her husband are.

I live in the area where its easy for me to go. I have not seen but one or two of these people since Christmas. This year I have really come out, but not generally. Though some may suspect the don't KNOW. If they did I am not sure I would have been invited. The old catch 22, I would like for these people to understand my rainbow fish journey. Yet I know that will never happen. I sit here with tears in my eyes saying that. Yes I have changed, I am so far from where I have been. Yet I am still the same person. Is that person they remember the real me?
One obvious change they will see right off, is the goatee I have grown. Some will be shocked by that! Good! So I am going to go to this get together. I will enjoy the food, the company and conversation. They don't need to know what has changed me, just that I am grown up in more ways than they know.

Broke Back Mountain

Well I viewed Broke Back Mountain last night for the at least the third time. Every time I see this movie I am touched. The love between the characters. What a complicated yet simple friendship! How their lives could have been different only if... How Jack died in the movie is so sad, tragic, and wrong. Most likely the thugs hired by his father in law. But I am making my own scenario to the movie. The ending of this movie is so sad to me, it brings tears to my eyes every time I see it. it make me think of my own love life, my hope for love, true love. Not secret love but out in the open love. I never want to have to sneak off to a mountain to be with the one I love.

The movie spans 20 years from 1963 to 1983. Have times really changed for GLBT people since then? I sure hope they are, I think they are. I thought of the tragic death of Heath Ledger. What a waste! What talent he had. I hope is was an accident and not a result of suicide or even worse. Will the world ever really know? Most likely not.

Here it is August and where has the year gone? Time seems to be slipping by us, in a few weeks schools will be in, most colleges start next week! Soon it will be fall again, then the fall celebrations will be upon us. Of course dare I say it Christmas. Of course this fall we have the election to think about. Not sure who I am going to vote for this time. Can't say that as a gay man I can vote the conservative republican ticket I used to. Well I never really voted a straight republican ticket anyway. This year to me I have no desire to vote for a particular candidate, which is different for me. Now how did I get on THAT subject?

Well just my ramblings for today.

The Graduation

Yesterday I attended the graduation of the CPE Residents at the Hospital where I work. Not only was this their graduation, but it was also the graduation of my CPE supervisor to retirement. It was a time of worship, reflection, satisfaction, joy, and tears. For the residents it on to new beginnings in their ministries, looking forward to where God will take them. For my boss its a time of looking back at a lifetime of ministry, impact, the fact he trained and prepared a generation of Chaplains. He even said that is his legacy. It is that and more!

The Lord used him (and his staff chaplains) in my life to set me on a path of self discovery and growth. There have been times I hated him for it, He pushed me out of my comfort zone, but those times are few. That self discovery and growth led me to deal with my theology; what I really believe not what the church tells me to believe. This led me to examine my spirituality how I practice what I believe and how it impacts my ministry to others. I became more open to the people I work with and those on the receiving end of my ministry. This path led me to recognize and deal with my feelings, the fact I have feelings. This progressed to my sexuality. Dealing with my homosexuality before the Lord and honestly within myself. You know what I have discovered? This CPE process is lifelong. I am continuing to discover, and deal with things in my walk with the Lord through this life. Whats more at times its still painful, but its also glorious. Its growing, maturing, becoming more the man I was born to be.

Even more than what I have written, he became my supervisor, boss, friend, and a spiritual father. So have the other staff chaplains who were part of my training. They all continue to challenge, cajole, and lead me. As he Begin's his retirement I pray the Lord will bless him with a long fruitful life in what I know will become semi-retirement. Perhaps one day I will be able to call upon him to come lead a conference at a place where I serve.

As for me I hope to make him proud by completing my education through to a doctoral degree. By continuing this path the Lord has me on. I don't know where it will lead but I know the one who is leading.

The Light of the World

We are the light of the world! God has placed each of us here. He made us and not we ourselves. As God's creations we are valuable persons of worth no matter who we are! God has a plan for each persons life. Psalm 139. The website below contains a presentation that will encourage you. It did me.
http://www.wisehearts.com/yaam.html
be sure and have the volume up on your sound