Merry Christmas! A day late!

Like I said Merry Christmas, it still Christmas after all. At least until the 6th of January when we celebrate Epiphany. Its been a while since I posted anything, its been busy, depressing, busy, tiring, and the like. Bah humbug! A couple of bright spots, were the shopping excursions to the outlet mall, and antique places with my friend. Eating out, our department Christmas party, the hospital Christmas party, decorating, getting laid,lol (just seeing if your paying attention) riding around looking at all the lights. Overall I think I did well.

This year was different for me, first in this apartment, the first time I did not go to visit my mother for Christmas and I won't be able to go for New Year's either! Bah humbug! I worked Christmas day and night. I covered one of our facilities for the day shift then went on call for both places in the evening. It was a busy night, I got called early got home late, then got called again. I did not get back home until 5:00 am. I am working this weekend also then go on call New Years night. I led the Christmas eve service at the ALF to boot. (about lost my voice, we sang 11 songs and I read to long stories. At least I spent Christmas Eve with my second family, we had a wonderful dinner and such. I also got to attend the service at my home church. ( they don't know about me) Today the day after, I slept late, got up and went to the ALF to get things ready for Sunday. Now its time for bed so I can get up and start all over in the morning.

Silent night Holy night, O Holy night! O come O come Emmanuel and ransom Captive Israel. Joy to the world the Lord is come! The Word was made flesh and dwelt among us, born in a stable the King of kings and Lord of lords, mighty God, everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Hallelujah!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good night!

Stood Up!

Being stood up seems to be routine for me, never the less it still stings. What is the cause? I am not sure. I like to think the person is timid, or unsure of themselves, or that they don't know what they want. Some its a game they play I think. Still it hurts to set up a date and be stood up.

It could be my approach, I like to talk on the phone before we set up a meeting (date). That is because I am interested in developing friendships, or a relationship. Perhaps the guys I talk to are not as interested in friendship as they talk of being? Or they are just playing games with themselves and me, of course they could just be a** holes.

Recently I talked with this one guy who seemed promising. We chatted online and on the phone several times. Then a date was set, and he never showed. Then he contacted me and said he was sorry for missing the meeting there had been a death in the family. We talked for a while and he said he would contact me Thursday, well here it is Friday and no word. I tried to call him, no response, I emailed no response. Sooo I have given up on meeting this guy. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

My question is why? I guess there is no clear answer, it is what it is. Perhaps one day there will be someone who will show up , click with me, I with him and stay around. Until then I keep on keeping on. It still stings though.

Same Sex Attraction Disorder???

Today I was watching an episode of Boston Legal, one of my favorite shows. One of the judges on the show was "diagnosed' by his minister as having SSAD, or Same Sex attraction disorder. I looked it up on the Internet and there is such a thing being purported. Nothing new I guess. It is not a medical term however, but a religious one. Its some groups way of explaining being gay as a spiritual decease, that can be overcome by prayer and discipline. Repairitive therapy I think they call it.

One point I have read in my research, that was mentioned in a court scene that in the 70's the American Psychological association does not consider homosexuality a disorder, or a choice.

As for me, nothing can change you from being who God wove you in your mother's womb to be. why is homosexuality so hated? even by the church who is supposed to represent God and His love? Something I guess I'll never understand. just like Homosexuality, I'll never understand it, but I must accept it.

Something I like about BL, they do make some good comments on social issues and current events that make good sense.

Thanksgiving

I Thes. 5: 18 Give thanks in everything for this is God's will. This being Thanksgiving week, I wish to give thanks to my Lord for the blessings He has so richly given to me. Those being my family and friends, my health, my job, a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back, a car that is safe and runs well. Thanksgiving needs to be voiced on a daily basis as part of personal Worship; not just once a year. God's blessings are daily, not one time a year. Its not our ability that brings about blessings, but rather the enabling power of God in life.

I also am thankful for the ability my Lord has given me to come out and be in the process of becoming more the man I was born to be. I am thankful for the peace, and satisfaction I have found. a different kind of joy in my salvation. Thankful for growing closer to the Lord in ways that are so significant.

I am thankful for the progress I have made just this year! The fact that I was able to come out to my sister, my boss, several coworkers. The strength to experience a gay bar and find Friends there old and new. For the closeness and time with I have with my best friend, his happiness.
My mother who is 93 is still with us.

My thanks to my God, my Yahweh, my El Shaddai, my Jehovah Jireh, my Jehovah Rapha, my Jehovah Shammah, my Jehovah Tsidkenu, my Jehova Shalom. The Ancient of Days, Alpha and Omega. I praise and Thank you.

Soli Deo Gloria!

A Fun Time Shopping

It's a beautiful fall day! Great sleeping weather, but I am not sleeping. Too much I want to do. The weekend was very nice, Saturday my friend, Joe and I did one of our annual shopping trips. We met two other friends who tagged along which was nice. Now you have to understand when I shop with Joe, its a marathon. We leave early in the morning and get back late at night. He looks at EVERYTHING LOL. This time was no different except there were two more people. One of the guys with us, Greg, like me, has known Joe a long time, and knew what to expect. He made fun of us, but the really funny thing when we were ready to go, he kept finding things to look at; He spent more money than the two of us!

We tried a new Chinese place, the food was very good and plentiful, the atmosphere was gracious. I'll go back there. Its nice to have friends where there are few if any pretensions. The conversations often revolve around our lives, family, work, our history together and relationships. We talk about the fun with and voice concerns about others in our little "group." Yes, I am part of a little group, a group that accepts me as I am and does not try to put me into a mold. They have helped me greatly!

Its interesting to me to see how my life has expanded over that last few years. This weekend pointed that out to me. Joe and I talked about it on the way back. My life has expanded politically, ideologically; as well as in experience and friendships. The type of people I now associate with has expanded. (I still associate with the folks I have always associated with) By that I mean not everyone goes to my church, or the same denomination I do, or works in the same place I do. Not everyone has the same views I do, and that's OK. I can accept them for who they are, where they are. Yet at the same time, I am finding how much we are the alike. Yes they are all gay, yes that means we have the same concerns, many the same hopes, we dream some of the same dreams. There is an understanding between us I have not experienced before. I can't explain it, it has to be experienced.

Joe was commenting on how much he has seen me change over the last year, he noted I am not so uptight, nervous anymore. He sees a confidence in me that was not there before, yet he also says I have a ways to go. Don't we all! When the day was ending as we said goodbye to our friends, instead of a handshake Greg gave me a hug. That was a first.

This shopping trip was fun, funny, and fruitful.

Hope for the Future

Election 08 is now history! What an historic election it was at that! I hope that this will be the jolt our nation needs. Oh the road will be hard, change is sometimes hard and slow. I think our new leader will have the understanding, the ability to bring about real change. At least that is my hope, my prayer. I challenge anyone who reads this blog to pray for the president and congress to be able to work together, to bring about unity, positive change for our nation.

I was pleased by Obama's acceptance speech, there was a tone of reconciliation, a tone of hope. the fact he stated he would be the president of ALL the people, the fact he mentioned minority groups including the GLBT community. I was also pleased by McCain's concession speech, there was a conciliatory tone to it as well. One I believe he meant, I was also glad that Gov. Palin did not speak.

The one disappointment in this election is the fact that measures concerning gay marriage around the country did not pass. Well another day perhaps. I saw a tee shirt saying, "We are Still here and We are still Queer..." I won't finish the rest of the statement. Its true we are still here. I am not trying nor do I want to force my sexuality on anyone. However I do not want to be treated as a second class citizen or blamed for the countries woes.

Another hope, I hope the "religious right" (note I did not use the term christian) learns something from this. Something positive and God honoring. Religious persecution by any group toward any group should never be tolerated. For the christian community it is not God honoring.

Fall Backward??

As I was setting my clocks back one hour, something I relish in the fall. Getting back to time that seems to be easier on the body. Don't know why. I was thinking how much I'd like to turn the clock back a few years in my life. Who wouldn't like the opportunity to have a do over? It goes along with the grief I experience when I think how I wasted so much time fighting myself and God about my sexuality. I wonder why it took me so long to see myself correctly, to accept myself for the person God wove me in my mother's womb to be?

If I could go back just ten years... However, that is useless jibber jabber. It is what it is, life is as it is today by the grace of God. I thank God he has brought me this far today! In Jesus Christ name I press on. Phil 3:13-14 Forgetting what lies behind, Looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal, the prize, the upward call of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

To you who might read this blog, I encourage you to PRESS ON in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Changing the plan?

Well I am considering a change in direction for my life. This would be a big step for me, still a ministry but not necessarily in professional ministry. I have always had an interest in counseling, and I do quite a bit of it in my current role. Often in the form of Bereavement Crisis Intervention or spiritual life issues. You may remember from previous posts that I have been thinking of this for a while

I am looking at a program at a local university that is a graduate degree in school counseling. Its a 39 credit hour degree that would require a 400 hour internship. It would lead to state a license as a school counselor. A position that is needed in every school. Its not an easy job, but the impact can be great I think.

Now I am not abandoning my theological education or my call to ministry, however, I doubt I will complete the M.Div. Rather I am looking into various theological degrees that are shorter and perhaps geared towards pastoral counseling and chaplaincy. Not too many around really. There is a school in Northern Virginia that offers an MTS with one of the concentrations being chaplaincy. The only real stumbling block to it right now is the GRE. I just don't want to take the time it will require to prepare for the test. If that is the program the Lord leads me to then I'll do the preparation. I really would like the second degree to be theological, pastoral theology, ethics, pastoral care and have theology in its title. IE Master of Theological Studies or Master of Theology.

Please pray for me to have the wisdom to know the direction I am to go in for both my education and a job I need right now. I thank you for reading and praying.

PRIDE

Well I did it! I attended my first Pride event today. not sure what i was expecting but it was nice. Rather mild I thought, no protests or anything like that. Its called Out in the Park. There were a lot of booths representing every area gay organization. There is support to start a Community Center in the area. I think that is a great idea! I went to the after party at the club I go to. It was packed!

While at the event I stopped by the MCC booth and picked up a bunch of information.

Well my first pride event went well, I was comfortable there. for me another way of expressing my sexuality. If people have a problem with that, well its there problem not mine. In fact that was said from the stage by the leader of the local drag community. she made the statement if you are here and have a problem with us its your problem not ours. We are here to be a community, we are part of the community, and in the community. In fact we are everywhere in the community!

Well i hope you had a good weekend and a good week ahead.

The election is weeks away now. I am more convinced than ever that Obama is the one to vote for. Both from a gay perspective but also for economic concerns, I feel there needs to be a change. Republican and McCain is not the change I am looking for.

Thoughts on the economy....

1. Stock market, short term losses are deep, The long view is most important right now. In the years ahead the market will rebound and again do well. Remember longview, sit tight.

2. Retirement, again the longview. For me I have decided to move my Roth from stocks to money market bank Roth IRA that is FDIC insured. The prinicple is not subject to the market losses. It wont make that much interest but it will be tax exempt and part of my total portfolio. I will diversify a little more by doing this. I still have a 401k type that is heavy into stocks and bonds.

3. Debt is a struggle to deal with, Debt is both a boost and a drag on the economy both at large and individually.

4. God's economy, I am determined to live in God's economy, not the world's. By this I mean knowing that God is my provider, not my employer, its God who is in control of my paycheck. The offering (tythe) is God's. That is so difficult to practice at times of short cash flow. I keep reminding myself that God is in control. My giving is changing, until I have a gay affirming church to call home, I will give to the cause of Christ through my church of record, and several other ministries some of which are gay focused. my God given resources should help support the community I am a part of and hopefully show Christ to one who needs to know and to meet a need.

As always if you read my blog, I welcome your thoughts, concerns, and prayers.

Unofficial Poll

Is there someone for each one of us to fall in love with and be fallen in love by? Some one that is meant for you and me? My best friend says there is, I am not sure. I am in love with him have been for years. I believe he is the one for me, yet he does not have the "same" feelings for me. Although sometimes I wonder about that.

I ask you, what is your opinion on this?

 

What a Week!

What a week this has been! Its Saturday and I have so many things on my list to do. get to the gym being one of them, oil change, a little shopping. I worked yesterday til 9 pm and did not go out last night. I slept well but got up much later than I wanted to. I have accomplished some little things around here but none of the big stuff. It seems all I want to do is just sit and stare at the walls my mind in neutral, or nod off. I am headed to see my mother tomorrow for her birthday. I am looking forward to it as my sister will be there too. This week I learned my half sister who was 86 died on Wednesday. For those of you doing the math, its a long story. Anyway we were not close, and she lived in Colorado. Still she was the last of that part of my family. I still have one half brother who is 72. Well nuff of that. The weekend will be nice and relaxing I look forward to seeing my mother.

Gay marriage has been approved by the Connecticut supreme court! Very good, a step forward I hope. Perhaps one day.......