Truth and Acceptance

Truth and Acceptance. Early one February day in my payer time, I was praying about what I am to do with my sexuality and something supernatural happened to me. I found myself telling the truth about myself to God. Oh I had confessed it many times before but this was different. I found myself saying to God, this... is... me, this is who I am, please help me to accept myself the way you made me. Use this in my life according to your will. Through tears I came out to my Lord, and even myself to what He already knew about me. The flood of emotion was intense, there was a flood of tears, love, peace, freedom and a sense of acceptance that was and continues to be overwelming. At the same time there was a sense of grief at lost opportunities and wasted years fighting myself and God, hiding instead of honestly dealing with my sexuality.

I remember several times in the Hospital where I spoke to Gay patients and even a staff member about God's love for and acceptance of them. How they needed to accept themselves; yet I could not do that for myself! what a hypocrit! Still in the time of prayer that day, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit much stronger than ever before. There was such a sense of awe this was a Holy thing that I could not move. I was as a dead man, I had to stay on my face before God in silence and tears. It was truly a Be still and know I AM God moment. A theophany. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, is, was and will be the God of me. The Lord Jesus Christ is MY Lord. During these moments of silence the thought or phrase ran through my mind "finally you are who you are, its about time." In the words of Paul I Cor 15:10 I am what I am by the grace of God. The change has been gradual but very drastc compared to where I was and where I am now.

I believe that God has called me to minister as a chaplain and pastoral counselor, being gay does not negate that call. I am seeking a place where I can be who I am and do what I am called and gifted to do. I also know that I do not have the gift or call to be alone and celibate . I need and want friends or someone I can share my life with. I want to find the one who will love me as much as I love him. There is a discomfort beteen being who I am, meeting guys, and going to a gay bar, doing typically gay things and being a minister, the supposed "Holy man" Problems also which I discussed in the catch 22 blog as well. where is the balancing point? The things I spoke of are of the gay lifestyle, I am gay. yet I am free! Free to be me! the lord has set me FREE!!! I have been more honest with myself, God and those I am out to than ever before. Am I wrong to hook up? especially if its someone who might be the one? I don't think it is. Is it wrong for me to express myself the way I do at times? just depends on how and to whom, motive. yet I can't do this on my own, I need you Lord to be my guide and guard. I need friends who accept me and understand me; to love and be loved by them. all in God's timing right?

One thing is for sure. I will continue this journey Phil 3:13-14 Forgetting what lies behind, looking forward to what lies ahead...I press on for the prize the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. There is no turning back, and I don't want to even if I could.

The Turning Point

The turning point for me in my coming out, was when I began Clinical Pastoral Education. I began to understand the feelings that I had ignored, repressed, fought all my life. Through CPE, I found a niche, a specialized ministry where I could make a difference. This was very fulfilling for me. At the same time through a series of situations and events; I opened the door to the closet I had been hiding in all my life.

I opened that door, I entered. I entertained these feelings as never before, I learned new things, and had new experiences. I indulged in somethng I thought would satisfy and that would be the end of it. I was wrong, it was really a window, it let me see and experience a side of me that is real, that I don't understand. But I must accept my homosexuality.

Since that time I have prayed for forgiveness, and healing. I have rebuked it, renounced it tried again and again to ignore and repress it. It has not worked, it was a period of time like the dark night of the soul. I have also searched the Scripture for truth, done research to try and understand it. I had numerous conversations and made friends along the way. I learned all I could about sexuality and spirituality. Trying to find away to either live with it or be healed of it.

First and foremost in my mind were the Bilblical implications. I now understand that the prohibitions in culture, context and history were mainly concerning idol worship, false gods and temples as well as a focus on population. Where the abomination comes from in sexuality and specifically homosexuality is somethtng that is worshiped rather than the one true living God. There are more Scriptures which speak of God's grace and forgiveness than condemnation. I also read some of the research that is available concerning this subject and found there is scientific evidence which suggests this is something a person is born with. There are chemical and brain differences which a person has no control over. Which tells me this is not something of choice, or even environment but the way one is made, wired which has helped me see myself and those like me differently. These things have been and still are being debated today. I can't debate it, I still don't understand it. I believe this I was born gay. All I know is I did not choose it, it is something deep inside me I can not change and God has not released or healed me from.

Second and more personal to me is Psalm 139 which spoke very clearly to me one day. That God knows me, knows my thought from afar, knows my standing and my sitting, God is intimately aquainted with ALL my ways. God Wove me in mother's womb and made me in secret, and God KNEW me. God has the days of my life numbered before Him. The creator God, created me to be who I am.

Third the GRACE of God, the only thing that separates one from God is sin, the thing that separates one eternally, rejecting God's grace offer of salvation through Jesus Christ. Once one is in Christ Romans 8:1, states there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. To say otherwise means that God's grace, the work of Christ is not sufficient. Which is simply not truth, not the Christ I know nor the power of God as I have experienced Him. Jesus spoke and said He is the way the truth and life no one comes to the Father but through me. The Bible also states in John 8:32 "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. " Freedom is what i was looking for at this point. Either freedom from or freedom to be. As I looked and studied the Scripture, the Holy Spirit began to open the eyes of my heart, He illumined my mind and heart to a new understanding. Something I had not thought of or seen prior to this point in my life. The CPE process of self discovery was continuing. Now this did not happen in one year, but it took about 6 years to get through my thick brain and hard heart. Well, maybe not hard heart but I did have alot of fear to overcome. Paul states God has made us to be more than overcomers!

Coming Out part 3

Continueing the thoughts about coming out. I don't recall the first time I knew I had desires toward guys. I did know I could not let on about it. I was a teenager. It did not really bother me until I got serious about my relationship with God. The teaching in the church I went to at the time which was a conservative Southern Baptist church were I learned to be a Bilblical literalist. I am greatful for the foundation I aquired in that setting, it actually helped me later on to do serious research on the subject of Homosexuality. Although I have changed, my spirituality has changed. The truth has not changed that being that Jesus Christ is Lord. My approach, and my interpretation has progressed by what I believe to be the enlightenment or illumination of the Word of God by the Holy Spirit. I will say more about that later as I share.

What I want to say here is, the teaching I was under led me to believe there was something very wrong with me. It led me to pray for forgiveness, confess it daily, to bury it deep within me. repress it if you will. All the while I was growing spiritually, learning the Scripture and even experiencing a call to vocational ministry. Yet there was something holding me back it seemed. I still do not understand that, maybe I never will. All the while I was very secretly and privately fantasizing about sex with men. Sometimes these were far apart, other times it was more regular. It tormented me, both the fantacy as well as the guilty feelings about them. I must say here that I never thought of suicide, at least not seriously. Does anyone have a similar experience?

Coming Out Part 2

To continue the thought of my last post about coming out. I am finding that I am coming out in different ways. Our Lord has changed me so much, my language has changed, my viewpoint has changed, how I interact has changed. All of this has been for the better, at least for the most part. Some might argue that my language is coarser, but sometimes it naming it what it is! Especially with the raw emotion in the midst of crisies. I am much freer than I have ever been in my life and that feels SO good. Truely I have been set free by the truth!

I am coming out in small yet significant ways. For instance I had a mustache of many years, in December I shaved it off. I thought regaining my youthful appearance. In the early part of the year I grew it back along with a goatee! Something I would have never dreamed of having in the past. You know what? I love it! I am thinking of getting a tatoo as well, also something I would never have dreamed of having in the past. Not sure yet, I am tempted to get a rainbow fish, or perhaps a lion with fire in his eyes, (the Lion of Judah) if I do it it may end up being just a cross. Its an expression.

Something else, I began going to a local gay bar, I love it too. The music, food, and being in the company of other gay men and women. The owners have come to know me as well, what I like to eat and drink, a good friend of mine who goes there too, has made sure they know what I should not drink or eat, or how much. I am getting to know a few people in there as well. NO "hook ups" at least not yet. the process of finding mr. Right. that is a whole different story.
So the process continues.

Coming Out

Coming out is something every gay man or woman works at, frets over and eventually works through in one way or another. Me I am a late bloomer, mainly due to my SBC background, I did not allow myself the opportunity to deal with it. I repressed it, did not think about, confessed it time and again. I thought it was something horrible, something must be wrong with me. It seemed to go against everything I learned in church, in the Bible.

It was not until I began my chaplaincy training that I realized these feelings and urges were real. They were and are a part of who I am. Wow! I began to seek answers about my sexuality, both in the Bible and in science. there is too much to say about that here. I began a process that took a number of years, it began when i opened a door to gay expereinces. not just sex, but talking with gay men about sexuality, it was a difficult journey. I have not finished either.

Like spiritual growth this is a process I will be on for the rest of my life. I have found that my spirituality informs my sexuality. Spirituality and sexuality are closely linked. This process has changed me greatly, I am more down to earth, at peace with myself, more liberal in a sense of being free to be me, and allow others to be themselves. I am free by the grace of God! I surrender my life and sexuality to the Lordship of Jesus Christ! Jesus said you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free! Jesus Christ himself is truth. It was when i recognized the truth about myself before my God that I was set free. I am what I am by the Grace of God.

Coming to terms and coming out to ones self, to God, and then to significant people in your life is no small task. There is alot of risk involved. So far I have been blessed with wisdom from the Holy Spirit as to who to tell. There are those who I will never be able to tell. That is ok, so I will most likely never be generally out. Unless the Lord has other plans for me. I am out vto other GLBT folks I have met. I am out to my sister, to my CPE supervisor, and a few others. The circle is enlarging. What a journey!

The Old Catch 22

As a gay man and minister, I find myself in a catch 22 situation. In the christian community as a whole if I were to come out generally, there would most certainly be fear, and rejection. Unless of course I am in a gay christian community it would be more accepting. If I were to let people I meet in a gay club, or gay social setting know I am a minister there would be a "freaking" them out. It would scare off potential friends, and suiters. I become unapproachable, untouchable, seen as someone who is judgmental, and closed minded just because I carry the title "rev" how fair is that O Lord? I have asked plenty of times. what is THAT all about? It is very painful, and I have scared away guys who could have been great friends, but I was honest, being a truth teller.

This puts me in a very uncomfortable place of evading the question "what do you do?" This raises suspicions. Not cool. So I ask whats a guy to do? I have not quite figured that out yet. I am looking to scale back my professional ministry and do something else, which may not be a bad thing. This has caused criticism from collegues who know who I am.

here is the cause I think, so many in the GLBT community have experienced first hand the pain of rejection and loss by coming out in the christian community. or them figuring it out themselves. It has turned so many away from church, away from God. what a tool of the evil one? Whats the answer? You tell me. I don't know, so as a result I am not longer hiding from myself and God who I really am, now I am hiding in a different way. or am I?

I highly recomend the DVD "for the Bible tells me so" its a documentary. its available on NetFlix. I cried most of the way through it. Its worth viewing.

My First Post!!!

Well I have no idea if anyone is even going to read this, and who cares. I am doing this to have a place to express my thoughts. Well a little about me. First I am not revealing my name or location because of a need to be discreet. You see I am a christian who is an ordained minister and also happens to be gay. I don't work in a church, but serve as a healthcare Chaplain. Something I will talk about more later.

First I must say that I am a christian first and gay second. My relationship with God through Jesus Christ is what informs everything else in my life. Being gay is really a small part of what makes me who I am. Yet it impacts almost every area of me, its what makes me more passionate, compassionate. Its been a long journey for me to get to the place where I sit today writing this blog. Something else I will write about later as well. that is why this blog is called my rainbow journey. I intend to write about my journey. Well that does it for my first post. I will write when I have something to say.