In an earlier blog I describe how the Lord spoke to my heart through the Bible about His creation and acceptance of me as a gay man. I have asked myself the question why did I not see it before? After all I have been a student of the Bible all my life! Especially when I was seeking biblical answers to the question of my sexuality. I think the answer was the fact I was not ready to come out to myself, God or anyone else. I was still in denial and repression.
So the question comes to mind, was it a Holy Spirit guided revelation or what? Certainly it was in the fullness of God's timing in my life. There are those who say there is progressive revelation of the Scripture. This means there are new meanings and application in modern day life of the centuries old Scripture. Certainly the Bible speaks of itself in Hebrews 4:12 as being living active and sharper than any two edged sword. The Bible is certainly fluid document and living in that as it is Holy Spirit breathed. It is the Holy Spirit who opens the meanings and applications of it to the heart and mind of the reader.
Now I may be nit picking at semantics, but in my way of thinking when one says there is progressive revelation; this implies more than new meaning to existing Scripture. A revelation is something entirely new. A new revelation of God to man, or additions to the existing Scripture. I do not go along with the thought of new revelation. In my faith journey the Scriptures are complete, and perfect Word of God. We have the whole revelation of God to man in our hands.
Rather, I prefer the idea of progressive illumination. This means the Holy Spirit illumines the heart and mind of the reader to a meaning and application of the Scripture which is consistent with its original intent. Consistent with its message of God's revelation of himself to His creation to where the person is in his or her walk with Christ. That is how I can read a passage and see one application. Another person can read the same passage and see a different application. It depends how the Holy Spirit illumines the heart and mind of the reader. The Spirit is the the guide to the guidebook.
That is what happened in my heart, mind, and life. It has changed my life! Over a period of time as I was yielded to the teaching of the Spirit in my heart. Also yeilded myself to the answer I was seeking not a preconceived notion of what the answer should be. The Lord allowed me to see application of Scripture, to think theologically about grace, mercy, forgiveness. Thus came the application of the Word of God to my sexuality. You see our spirituality does indeed inform our sexuality. It certainly has and continues to in my life.
So for me its progressive illumination which leads to the AH HAH moment in my life. The ah hah then can be a revelation to my way of living.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
The Birthday Party
Tonight I had the priviledge of attending the birthday party for a dear friend of mine. This friend is someone who I look to often. It was so special to me to be able to be there. It was a great time, the party moved to the club we all go to, and continued there. I enjoyed meeting some other friends and talking, joking, the laughing. It was so much fun I was very glad to be there. You might ask how much I had to drink, well one beer. but I did have too much to eat! food at the house, more food at the club. I am stuffed! It was a good release for me as well. Now its time for bed, time to rest for the long day ahead tomorrow. I work at the assisted living a few hours then go to the Hospital. so its off to bed for me.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Being There!
Today I sit here struggling to blog this, but I must. I must get this out of me. Part of the ministry of a chaplain as with anyone who does pastoral care is the ministry of presence. Being there, being the nonanxious presence in the midst of folks crisies and situations. Immediately we think of being present when a patient is dying. I have quite a bit of expereince with death, some of my most significant minstry expereinces have been at the bedside of a dying patient and his or her family. There is a particular type of death that seems to push my buttons everytime it happens. I have had a quite a few of these over the years as well. That is the death of an infant, or a preamie. Now that may stop some of you right there from continuing to read this post. Thats fine, I still need to write this. The reason being in my residency I had several of these deaths in a row over a period of just a few weeks. I wrote about that then and it helped. I may add the letter I wrote to this blog.
It was a little after midnight this morning when the pager sounded. It was the ER, the secretary was informing me a patient had just delivered a 9 week fetus. Oh God No! I thought as I rushed to the bedside. As I stood by the family who was grieving and began to speak with them and listen to them, I went to my God talk, we began to unpack and defuse their feelings. its still very early in their grief process. I try to just allow them to be where they are. The doctor came in, he used the term "tissue" to describe the couples baby. TISSUE I thought? You are talking about a human being! the begining of life! I thought. I realize that as a medical person he is going to his clinical talk to deal the the situation. I know this doctor he has feelings and will need to defuse later himself. He is getting through it too, as is the nurse and everybody else.
I listen to the patient, family, the nurse and Doctor as we debrief. now I can go back and take care of my paperwork. Ok who debriefs the chaplain? I talk about it in report but its not quite enough. Today I have anger, I am angry at myself, angry at the traffic, angry at my best friend, angry at the world. I am angry at God...gasp I am angry at God! The Bible tells us to be angry yet do not sin do not let the sun go down on your anger. I prayed and acknowledge to my Lord my anger. It helps. So I ask myself what about these deaths touch me so? The answer is easy for me...but for the grace of God there go I. why am I still here o God? I was an underweight baby at birth. According to the doctor's at the time I should not have lived. I still am here. These babies are not. Why? that is my hot button issue. Perhaps its what helps me to be present with these parents? Several years ago I wrote a letter to the Babies who died. I shared it in my peer group, it has been published in two newspapers. I share it here now.
Dear Babies:
When I first saw you, you were so tiny, so helpless, and so innocent. You had your whole life ahead of you. If only you had been born healthy, born alive, or did not have some terrible thing happen to you. Your parents were so shocked, perplexed, crushed, distraught, angry and guilty at losing you. To them you were and continue to be precious. A few of you were lost at the hand of one who should have cared for you. How horrendous! I talked with the doctors and nurses who did all they could to save you. They poured their heart, their knowledge, their skill to give you life, to help you keep life. Nevertheless it did not work…you died. I know this because I was there. I am not the doctor or the nurse, I am the chaplain. For a few of you I was there when you came into this world; for all of you I was there when you left. I was there with your parents, helpless to do anything for you. I was there helpless to say anything to help ease their pain. There was nothing to say. I held them as they held you, I prayed with them as they cried over you…I cried also. I wish there was something I could do or say to heal their pain …there was not. For one I gave communion to your mother and grandmother as they renewed fellowship with God, a Holy moment. For another I baptized you as your parents named you, a Sacred moment. For still another, I held the door as the police hauled away one who should have protected you but instead hurt you, an angry moment. I pray for the strength and power that comes from the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord of hosts. I pray my presence made a difference, that I helped shepherd your families through this tough moment in their lives. I pray they are able to incorporate their grief in life. That they be able to live laugh, and love again. Rest assured they will never forget you; they will always love you. I will remember also, I will remember what you taught me… how to be there.
Chaplain Frank
How wonderful are your works O 'Lord, how vast are the sum of them? You know my thought from afar, you know a word on my tounge before it is formed. you wove me in my mothers womb, you knew my days before there was one of them. Ps. 139. God is in control that is why.
This is how this chaplain debriefs. if you read all of that thank you. bless you. MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS THESE FAMILIES.
It was a little after midnight this morning when the pager sounded. It was the ER, the secretary was informing me a patient had just delivered a 9 week fetus. Oh God No! I thought as I rushed to the bedside. As I stood by the family who was grieving and began to speak with them and listen to them, I went to my God talk, we began to unpack and defuse their feelings. its still very early in their grief process. I try to just allow them to be where they are. The doctor came in, he used the term "tissue" to describe the couples baby. TISSUE I thought? You are talking about a human being! the begining of life! I thought. I realize that as a medical person he is going to his clinical talk to deal the the situation. I know this doctor he has feelings and will need to defuse later himself. He is getting through it too, as is the nurse and everybody else.
I listen to the patient, family, the nurse and Doctor as we debrief. now I can go back and take care of my paperwork. Ok who debriefs the chaplain? I talk about it in report but its not quite enough. Today I have anger, I am angry at myself, angry at the traffic, angry at my best friend, angry at the world. I am angry at God...gasp I am angry at God! The Bible tells us to be angry yet do not sin do not let the sun go down on your anger. I prayed and acknowledge to my Lord my anger. It helps. So I ask myself what about these deaths touch me so? The answer is easy for me...but for the grace of God there go I. why am I still here o God? I was an underweight baby at birth. According to the doctor's at the time I should not have lived. I still am here. These babies are not. Why? that is my hot button issue. Perhaps its what helps me to be present with these parents? Several years ago I wrote a letter to the Babies who died. I shared it in my peer group, it has been published in two newspapers. I share it here now.
Dear Babies:
When I first saw you, you were so tiny, so helpless, and so innocent. You had your whole life ahead of you. If only you had been born healthy, born alive, or did not have some terrible thing happen to you. Your parents were so shocked, perplexed, crushed, distraught, angry and guilty at losing you. To them you were and continue to be precious. A few of you were lost at the hand of one who should have cared for you. How horrendous! I talked with the doctors and nurses who did all they could to save you. They poured their heart, their knowledge, their skill to give you life, to help you keep life. Nevertheless it did not work…you died. I know this because I was there. I am not the doctor or the nurse, I am the chaplain. For a few of you I was there when you came into this world; for all of you I was there when you left. I was there with your parents, helpless to do anything for you. I was there helpless to say anything to help ease their pain. There was nothing to say. I held them as they held you, I prayed with them as they cried over you…I cried also. I wish there was something I could do or say to heal their pain …there was not. For one I gave communion to your mother and grandmother as they renewed fellowship with God, a Holy moment. For another I baptized you as your parents named you, a Sacred moment. For still another, I held the door as the police hauled away one who should have protected you but instead hurt you, an angry moment. I pray for the strength and power that comes from the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord of hosts. I pray my presence made a difference, that I helped shepherd your families through this tough moment in their lives. I pray they are able to incorporate their grief in life. That they be able to live laugh, and love again. Rest assured they will never forget you; they will always love you. I will remember also, I will remember what you taught me… how to be there.
Chaplain Frank
How wonderful are your works O 'Lord, how vast are the sum of them? You know my thought from afar, you know a word on my tounge before it is formed. you wove me in my mothers womb, you knew my days before there was one of them. Ps. 139. God is in control that is why.
This is how this chaplain debriefs. if you read all of that thank you. bless you. MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS THESE FAMILIES.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Comment Question
There was a question in a comment on an earlier post I want to comment on myself. It was in relation to "what am I looking for". The commentor asked to define what normal is. Hmmm. Good question. This was specifically in relation to my question if cheating in gay relationships is the "norm"? So what is normal, or is there a norm?
Well in my opinion, all things considered, it depends on the context of the relationship gay or straight.. What I mean by that? Well are the partners committed christians? Are the partners committed to one another to make the relationship work? There can be many other verables that come into play. I am not sure there is a "norm" for any relationship, again gay or straight. what are you measuring it to?
In my context, as a christian I want monagamy. I what to belong to someone in that context. to love and be loved. Two have said cheating has not entered their minds. They have not wanted to cheat. How blessed their relationships! They are working on teir relationships, and are committed. I want that!
In the case of my guy I hooked up with, he thought he had that. But his partner is apparently not committed to it. How sad, and hurtful. So as a result he is begining a process to move on. Still painful for him.
Would I ever consider an open relationship? Odd as it sounds after what I just wrote, I might. There is a person in my life whom I love. He has demonstrated love for me as well. If he were ready to settle down in an open relationship and wanted me. For him alone, I would consider it. For him the difference would be I am the one he would come home to. We would be together. I would consider it for him, but I pray for and seek the one and only.
Well in my opinion, all things considered, it depends on the context of the relationship gay or straight.. What I mean by that? Well are the partners committed christians? Are the partners committed to one another to make the relationship work? There can be many other verables that come into play. I am not sure there is a "norm" for any relationship, again gay or straight. what are you measuring it to?
In my context, as a christian I want monagamy. I what to belong to someone in that context. to love and be loved. Two have said cheating has not entered their minds. They have not wanted to cheat. How blessed their relationships! They are working on teir relationships, and are committed. I want that!
In the case of my guy I hooked up with, he thought he had that. But his partner is apparently not committed to it. How sad, and hurtful. So as a result he is begining a process to move on. Still painful for him.
Would I ever consider an open relationship? Odd as it sounds after what I just wrote, I might. There is a person in my life whom I love. He has demonstrated love for me as well. If he were ready to settle down in an open relationship and wanted me. For him alone, I would consider it. For him the difference would be I am the one he would come home to. We would be together. I would consider it for him, but I pray for and seek the one and only.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
A Struggle of Ministry
Ministry is a calling, its a gifting, it is a coming along side both of the minister and the people one ministers to. Ministry is work, hard work, draining work. Ministry is a struggle, it is war! Its a struggle for the heart, mind, spirit and soul of those around us. A struggle with eternal outcomes. Whether it's a personal or professional ministry it is all the above for every christian. For all are called to be disciple makers, all are called to minister where they are. Some are called to professional ministry. Its a hard but rewarding life. When you are gay, and a minister it seems even harder. Its all about acceptance, God gives grace to accept.
As a christian who happens to be a single gay minister, my struggle with ministry is very personal. Its emotional, doing what I do seems to be in my blood. Becoming who I am, who I am supposed to be both as a christian and what it means for me to be gay, is a struggle. Do I think I am the only one with this struggle? NO. Why does it have to be so complicated? Lord why?
My personal struggle is complicated by the fact I have not completed my seminary training yet, its a work in progress. So I do not have all the credentials APC requires for certification. I am considering other jobs outside of ministry to help give me time to do me, and provide for completing my training. I must also admit that its a way of protecting myself. Right now I know I am vulnerable in my profession. Its a scary feeling. As I become more comfortable with myself as a gay christian, a gay minister its almost as if I don't care who knows. That is scary! Again its an acceptance thing, in the church as a whole being accepted as a gay man let alone a gay minister is difficult, its a struggle. In the gay community being accepted as a minister is scary as well. Being accepted as a minster who is interested in a relationship is a struggle. I see a pastoral counselor who is putting considerable pressure on me to do whatever it takes to complete my seminary. This is something I am praying through. No answers yet.
I have written before about my best friend, whom I love as if he were my brother. I have said that I am also in love with him. But by God's grace that is not as strong as it once was. Yet it is still there. He is someone in my circle who I strongly believe I am ministering to both in personal witness, prayer, and just being there. I see a difference in him by things I am praying for him in starting come about. Being a minister has always complicated our relationship. Of course he has things that complicate it for me as well. Part of the struggle.
My counselor asked me yesterday about my moral compass. Because I am so far from where I was as a "good Baptist". Hmmm. Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and the word of God are my moral compass. True, I must confess I do hook up from time to time, it is wrong for me to express myself this way? Is it wrong for me to seek a relationship? Its part of life. Life I repressed until I was in my late 30's. Heterosexual ministers who are single do it I am certain of it. Is it wrong for me to work out my sexuality this way? I don't think so. Of course I could be wrong. Yet I have a peace with myself, a comfort with myself that I have never had. I know that comes from the Lord, it is He who has made me free. Not to use that freedom as a opportunity for the flesh, but freedom to become. I am discovering the connection between my sexuality and my spirituality. This has had a positive impact on my ministry as well. Its a wonderful journey. Yet its still a struggle. where to draw the line? what direction to take? That is my struggle in ministry right now. I pray for my Lord's direction, for the right doors to open, to make the right choices.
A note about my container garden, I wanted to place a bird feeder out there on the patio, but its not allowed by my complex. !@#$%!!! Oh well. I had a question about the flag I fly on my little patio flag stand. I have a collection of flags, one for every season, event, holiday in the year. Its fun to put them out and I have missed doing so.
As a christian who happens to be a single gay minister, my struggle with ministry is very personal. Its emotional, doing what I do seems to be in my blood. Becoming who I am, who I am supposed to be both as a christian and what it means for me to be gay, is a struggle. Do I think I am the only one with this struggle? NO. Why does it have to be so complicated? Lord why?
My personal struggle is complicated by the fact I have not completed my seminary training yet, its a work in progress. So I do not have all the credentials APC requires for certification. I am considering other jobs outside of ministry to help give me time to do me, and provide for completing my training. I must also admit that its a way of protecting myself. Right now I know I am vulnerable in my profession. Its a scary feeling. As I become more comfortable with myself as a gay christian, a gay minister its almost as if I don't care who knows. That is scary! Again its an acceptance thing, in the church as a whole being accepted as a gay man let alone a gay minister is difficult, its a struggle. In the gay community being accepted as a minister is scary as well. Being accepted as a minster who is interested in a relationship is a struggle. I see a pastoral counselor who is putting considerable pressure on me to do whatever it takes to complete my seminary. This is something I am praying through. No answers yet.
I have written before about my best friend, whom I love as if he were my brother. I have said that I am also in love with him. But by God's grace that is not as strong as it once was. Yet it is still there. He is someone in my circle who I strongly believe I am ministering to both in personal witness, prayer, and just being there. I see a difference in him by things I am praying for him in starting come about. Being a minister has always complicated our relationship. Of course he has things that complicate it for me as well. Part of the struggle.
My counselor asked me yesterday about my moral compass. Because I am so far from where I was as a "good Baptist". Hmmm. Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and the word of God are my moral compass. True, I must confess I do hook up from time to time, it is wrong for me to express myself this way? Is it wrong for me to seek a relationship? Its part of life. Life I repressed until I was in my late 30's. Heterosexual ministers who are single do it I am certain of it. Is it wrong for me to work out my sexuality this way? I don't think so. Of course I could be wrong. Yet I have a peace with myself, a comfort with myself that I have never had. I know that comes from the Lord, it is He who has made me free. Not to use that freedom as a opportunity for the flesh, but freedom to become. I am discovering the connection between my sexuality and my spirituality. This has had a positive impact on my ministry as well. Its a wonderful journey. Yet its still a struggle. where to draw the line? what direction to take? That is my struggle in ministry right now. I pray for my Lord's direction, for the right doors to open, to make the right choices.
A note about my container garden, I wanted to place a bird feeder out there on the patio, but its not allowed by my complex. !@#$%!!! Oh well. I had a question about the flag I fly on my little patio flag stand. I have a collection of flags, one for every season, event, holiday in the year. Its fun to put them out and I have missed doing so.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Friday Fun (no not what you think)
Well, I got home from work this morning not too tired, rather bouncey, I guess from all the coffee. It was a steady night, the ER was packed, the house was pretty full, I think they are going to find they need to rethink the downsizing. Anyway just one death last night, no drama, fights, ect. so it was a good night!
Now onto today! After a nice breakfast at the local Cracker Barrel, not on my diet but hey. I got home and got to my container garden project. I just moved into an apartment, so no garden but a patio. So far I have a Hydrangia, a few bulbs. I want to get a miniature fir tree to put in a large pot I have, then place the bulbs around it so there is color. This is where I will place my patio flag pole. I want to get a couple of flower boxes to place seasonal flowers in. I wont do that until later in the month or early September. I will plant Pansies they will last through next spring. I repotted several plants and found I need a larger pot for the oldest one I have. It was horribly pot bound! when I get it where I want to be, I will take a few pix to post.
I have some shopping to do at the mall, and going to look at a new computer! Then I have to rest up for my one night out tonight. Its flounder night at the club I go to, then the show All male Review! YUM YUM! ( I can't believe I am posting that) Happy Friday!
Now onto today! After a nice breakfast at the local Cracker Barrel, not on my diet but hey. I got home and got to my container garden project. I just moved into an apartment, so no garden but a patio. So far I have a Hydrangia, a few bulbs. I want to get a miniature fir tree to put in a large pot I have, then place the bulbs around it so there is color. This is where I will place my patio flag pole. I want to get a couple of flower boxes to place seasonal flowers in. I wont do that until later in the month or early September. I will plant Pansies they will last through next spring. I repotted several plants and found I need a larger pot for the oldest one I have. It was horribly pot bound! when I get it where I want to be, I will take a few pix to post.
I have some shopping to do at the mall, and going to look at a new computer! Then I have to rest up for my one night out tonight. Its flounder night at the club I go to, then the show All male Review! YUM YUM! ( I can't believe I am posting that) Happy Friday!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Art of the Online Hook-up
The online hook up, it seems simple. Go online, find a gay dating site, or any kind of dating site depending on your life. Post a profile , contact members be contacted and hook up. Simple right? easy right? So it would seem; But the reality is quite different! Some are just looking around, being curious and using the anominity the internet can provide to do so. I know I did. There are some who are looking but when it comes to committing to a meeting they don't, some even agree to meet but then don't show up. I have been stood up countless times. There are some who make a game out of not showing up.
Then there are the safety concerns. What might happen if they do indeed show up. some are hustlers who ask for money, others want to do things your not into or someway they are a turn off. Of course there is the risk of robbery, gay bashing, SDT's all the risks of hooking up. So why do it? Good question! The reason is not complex, its for the sex, or the possibility of sex, for the thrill of meeting a potential relationship partner. Who knows he just might be THE ONE. Plus to have a profile and be contacted and told your "hot" or whatever can be a thrill as well.
I have been "cruising" online for a number of years now. I don't hook-up much at all, it happens now and then. My last boyfriend was an online meeting, we were together for almost a year. My best-friend has taught me alot about online stuff. In fact we are on some of the same sites, a funny thing one time I saw his profile and did not realize it was him. I contacted him to let him know I was interested. He was too! We got into an online conversation before realizing there was something very familiar about this guy. I asked his name and bam. It was a real hoot. He has taught me about being safe, key things to look for. Now some of it you just know, its common sense. One thing I use as a rule of thumb. If the conversation is serious, and the other person wants to see a picture (face pic) before I send it I ask if I can call him. I want to hear his voice, and talk with him. this usually tells me if the person is serious. if not then I say no thanks and move on.
My latest "hook up" worked that way. This guy was real nervous, but he gave me his phone # I called, a sexy voice on the other end. We talked, agreed to a time and place to meet up. Guess what? He showed up! It turned out he is partnered, but things are not well in the relationship. In fact the relationship is pratically non existent anymore. We talked at length about it in fact he cried, I tried to give him some comfort. When he started crying I found myself saying the words I have heard from my CPE supervisor so often "Whats THAT all about?" This guy is sweet and sensitive. I'm a sucker for sweet and sensitive. We enjoyed each other, he said he would want to talk with me again. We will see. I will say yes to him again. Who knows HE might be the ONE.
Please note online hook ups should be taken seriously, you never really know who is on the other end till they show up. caution should always be used as with any blind date meet in a public place.
Then there are the safety concerns. What might happen if they do indeed show up. some are hustlers who ask for money, others want to do things your not into or someway they are a turn off. Of course there is the risk of robbery, gay bashing, SDT's all the risks of hooking up. So why do it? Good question! The reason is not complex, its for the sex, or the possibility of sex, for the thrill of meeting a potential relationship partner. Who knows he just might be THE ONE. Plus to have a profile and be contacted and told your "hot" or whatever can be a thrill as well.
I have been "cruising" online for a number of years now. I don't hook-up much at all, it happens now and then. My last boyfriend was an online meeting, we were together for almost a year. My best-friend has taught me alot about online stuff. In fact we are on some of the same sites, a funny thing one time I saw his profile and did not realize it was him. I contacted him to let him know I was interested. He was too! We got into an online conversation before realizing there was something very familiar about this guy. I asked his name and bam. It was a real hoot. He has taught me about being safe, key things to look for. Now some of it you just know, its common sense. One thing I use as a rule of thumb. If the conversation is serious, and the other person wants to see a picture (face pic) before I send it I ask if I can call him. I want to hear his voice, and talk with him. this usually tells me if the person is serious. if not then I say no thanks and move on.
My latest "hook up" worked that way. This guy was real nervous, but he gave me his phone # I called, a sexy voice on the other end. We talked, agreed to a time and place to meet up. Guess what? He showed up! It turned out he is partnered, but things are not well in the relationship. In fact the relationship is pratically non existent anymore. We talked at length about it in fact he cried, I tried to give him some comfort. When he started crying I found myself saying the words I have heard from my CPE supervisor so often "Whats THAT all about?" This guy is sweet and sensitive. I'm a sucker for sweet and sensitive. We enjoyed each other, he said he would want to talk with me again. We will see. I will say yes to him again. Who knows HE might be the ONE.
Please note online hook ups should be taken seriously, you never really know who is on the other end till they show up. caution should always be used as with any blind date meet in a public place.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Lord of The Dance
King David danced before the Lord, it was worship. Today at the Assisted Living where I serve part time as Chaplain, we had a Native American gentleman who brings the message once a month. Today he did a worship dance for our people, he danced to a native american tune which talked about how great our God is, high and Holy God. It was wonderful and the people enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. There is a hymn titled Lord of the Dance. Jesus is Lord of the dance. I am reminded of something a friend has said recently, that "Life is too short not to dance" This is something I am learning, my background dancing was frowned upon at best, being the "good" Baptist leader I thought I was supposed to be, I never danced. That is until I came to the Assisted Living, these folks know how to "cut a rug"! Not the kind of dancing I enjoy but dancing none the less.
I am finding that a part of the freedom the Lord has given me to be who I am is begining to involve dance. Its part of the expression of my liberty, to move to the music, even just in place, to move hands, arms, legs, to bounce to the beat of a good song at the club or in the living room. There is a liberty in it. I feel free, last night for instance at the club I go to, I danced by the table I was at, a friend there asked me if I felt the freedom in it? Yes I did! It was wonderful, to move and to enjoy the music. There is a song they play all the time that I enjoy, called I kissed a girl by Katy Perry, I love the song because of its beat, and the words the expression of a liberty to experience life. Another friend who knows me very well was there, and had never seen me "dance" before, was surprised, but also very encouraging and thought it is good I am comfortable enough to move to the music. He razzed me abit, it was fun!
There is another side to this, in my living room I listen to all kinds of music from classical, techno, club music to praise and worship, christian rock. In that place I am moving to the beat of music where the message is praise to my God. So dance is becoming part of my personal worship expereince! You know what? Its great! Its freedom! it was for freedoms sake that Christ set us free! I want to make the most of that freedom. Its freedom to be, freedom to do, freedom to become. Its a good thing as Martha Stewart would say.
On a totally different note, but showing my acceptance in the club I go to, I think. Friday night I was there and on this occasion I had a beer with my meal. (just something I do occasionally) Being the clutz I am I knocked it over spilling some. a joke was made out of, and we all laughed. Last night at the club, (I don't usually go out on Saturday night) I had a soda, guess what? somehow I knocked it over ice went everywhere. The owner of the establishment joked that I had 1 too many diet sodas. When I went to get a refill, at the bar, I was asked if I needed a sippy cup! It was a great laugh. I think there is acceptance when people are comfortable enough to joke with you.
My encouragement to anyone reading this is to be free, enjoy the dance, remember Jesus Christ is Lord of the dance.
I am finding that a part of the freedom the Lord has given me to be who I am is begining to involve dance. Its part of the expression of my liberty, to move to the music, even just in place, to move hands, arms, legs, to bounce to the beat of a good song at the club or in the living room. There is a liberty in it. I feel free, last night for instance at the club I go to, I danced by the table I was at, a friend there asked me if I felt the freedom in it? Yes I did! It was wonderful, to move and to enjoy the music. There is a song they play all the time that I enjoy, called I kissed a girl by Katy Perry, I love the song because of its beat, and the words the expression of a liberty to experience life. Another friend who knows me very well was there, and had never seen me "dance" before, was surprised, but also very encouraging and thought it is good I am comfortable enough to move to the music. He razzed me abit, it was fun!
There is another side to this, in my living room I listen to all kinds of music from classical, techno, club music to praise and worship, christian rock. In that place I am moving to the beat of music where the message is praise to my God. So dance is becoming part of my personal worship expereince! You know what? Its great! Its freedom! it was for freedoms sake that Christ set us free! I want to make the most of that freedom. Its freedom to be, freedom to do, freedom to become. Its a good thing as Martha Stewart would say.
On a totally different note, but showing my acceptance in the club I go to, I think. Friday night I was there and on this occasion I had a beer with my meal. (just something I do occasionally) Being the clutz I am I knocked it over spilling some. a joke was made out of, and we all laughed. Last night at the club, (I don't usually go out on Saturday night) I had a soda, guess what? somehow I knocked it over ice went everywhere. The owner of the establishment joked that I had 1 too many diet sodas. When I went to get a refill, at the bar, I was asked if I needed a sippy cup! It was a great laugh. I think there is acceptance when people are comfortable enough to joke with you.
My encouragement to anyone reading this is to be free, enjoy the dance, remember Jesus Christ is Lord of the dance.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Is it This or That?
There is a lot going through my mind today. So many concerns, relationship, friendship, career, money. Which direction to take? I interviewed a few weeks ago for a position in the ER at one of the local Hospitals, it was a good interview. I would enjoy the place and the work I think. Its not a Chaplain position. I think I may need a break from professional ministry. Maybe not. The question in my heart and mind continues to be, can I minister effectively, and be seeking the relationships I want in the gay community? Go to the bar? Continue this path of self discovery? Perhaps not doing those things would make me less of an effective minister? Is God leading to a ministry in and to the gay community? If so what when and how? So much on my mind, I want so much to be authentic as a christian gay man. I want to be real in every aspect of life. I am free, God has set me free to be gay, do gay things, seek gay friendships/relationships. Now how to use that freedom? Maybe I am being too serious, taking these things too seriously. Just perhaps I just need to BE and not worry about the doing for a while.
To top everything off, there seems to be big changes on the horizon in the pastoral care department of the Hospital I work in. I am not sure how these will impact me. Possibly less hours, less pay which would be a very scary thing. How to pay the rent, put food on the table, fire in the furnace? Gas in the car? Yet I know God has a plan, He is in control. I sure am not. I continue to pray, look, praise, and pray some more.
On another note, my best friend and I are working through some issues in our relationship, a lot of progress and acceptance on both parts. I hope he is finding that I am more open to him and his shit than he thought I would be. He has certainly been open to mine! I asked a question the other day, he kinda stumbled on the answer. I felt bad afterward and apologized later. He said for what? I explaind and he said it was nothing we ask each other those questions, we tell each other that kind of thing. This is me your talkin to! Afterall we have been friends all this time. He knows me and understands me! What a blessing.
So I continue to pray and think on these things. Wait for the Lord to illumine my mind and heart on these things.
To top everything off, there seems to be big changes on the horizon in the pastoral care department of the Hospital I work in. I am not sure how these will impact me. Possibly less hours, less pay which would be a very scary thing. How to pay the rent, put food on the table, fire in the furnace? Gas in the car? Yet I know God has a plan, He is in control. I sure am not. I continue to pray, look, praise, and pray some more.
On another note, my best friend and I are working through some issues in our relationship, a lot of progress and acceptance on both parts. I hope he is finding that I am more open to him and his shit than he thought I would be. He has certainly been open to mine! I asked a question the other day, he kinda stumbled on the answer. I felt bad afterward and apologized later. He said for what? I explaind and he said it was nothing we ask each other those questions, we tell each other that kind of thing. This is me your talkin to! Afterall we have been friends all this time. He knows me and understands me! What a blessing.
So I continue to pray and think on these things. Wait for the Lord to illumine my mind and heart on these things.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Links
I am trying to add links to several blogs I read regularly. Please be patient with me as I learn how to do this.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
What am I Looking For?
A few days ago I was asked by someone "what are you looking for?" Good question! Sometimes I am not sure. At times I am wanting to find someone I connect with on as many levels as possible for a LTR, someone to be my husband as it were. (This best fits my christian goals and hope.) Other times I am looking for one, two or three for sexual friendship. Deep down I hope to find one to love and be loved by, to love me as much as I love him. To be faithful as a lover and a friend. Then I must admit there are times I am just looking for sex... There I said it. Does not mean it happens.
There is something that concerns me greatly about finding a relationship. That is the propensity of my potential partner to cheat. I have been told by a number of gay friends that cheating is the norm amoung gay couples. Something I find disturbing given the idea of commitment, the problems that have to be overcome getting into a relationship, plus the potential for STD's. The one who asked me the above question told me the only way he and his partner stay together is the fact they are in an open relationship. He said "men are dogs" My question is why is this so? Is it true? I am not sure I could handle knowing the one I live with and love is with someone else, does this mean I am not enough? Of course this speaks to my own self esteem, sense of security, codependecny issues. It is real though.
The one who asked this question also suggested to me that I get to know more people first, and have "sexual friendships", then see what develops from there. Hmmm. My best friend has told me I am not ready yet. He is afraid I would be setting myself up to get hurt. By the way, I am in love with my best friend, he knows it. He says he is not looking for a relationship; I am praying for that to change someday. Am I waiting? Yes and no. I am looking, but I still have to answer the question "What am I looking for?" I guess I will know when I find it...I may have found it.
By the way, a question to anyone who might read this blog...Is cheating truely the "norm" in gay relationships? What is your experience with this? I would be pleased to hear from you.
There is something that concerns me greatly about finding a relationship. That is the propensity of my potential partner to cheat. I have been told by a number of gay friends that cheating is the norm amoung gay couples. Something I find disturbing given the idea of commitment, the problems that have to be overcome getting into a relationship, plus the potential for STD's. The one who asked me the above question told me the only way he and his partner stay together is the fact they are in an open relationship. He said "men are dogs" My question is why is this so? Is it true? I am not sure I could handle knowing the one I live with and love is with someone else, does this mean I am not enough? Of course this speaks to my own self esteem, sense of security, codependecny issues. It is real though.
The one who asked this question also suggested to me that I get to know more people first, and have "sexual friendships", then see what develops from there. Hmmm. My best friend has told me I am not ready yet. He is afraid I would be setting myself up to get hurt. By the way, I am in love with my best friend, he knows it. He says he is not looking for a relationship; I am praying for that to change someday. Am I waiting? Yes and no. I am looking, but I still have to answer the question "What am I looking for?" I guess I will know when I find it...I may have found it.
By the way, a question to anyone who might read this blog...Is cheating truely the "norm" in gay relationships? What is your experience with this? I would be pleased to hear from you.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Coming Out by Going to the Bar
For now I want to jump ahead in time. Last summer I had the idea of visiting a gay bar or two. You have to understand coming from my background, I did not drink or dance or go to places where there was drinking and dancing. Now I never thought there was anything wrong with dancing, but the image I thought I had to uphold was not to be seen in this context. I have come to believe there is nothing wrong with a drink now in then either. Just so long as the Holy Spirit controls me and not the drink.
Going to any bar much less a gay bar was so out there for me. There are about seven or eight gay bars in the area. some small others large. I decided I would go early and eat a meal at this one bar. I went about 6 on a Saturday...well all I did was drive through the parking lot. Several months went by and I spoke to a friend of mine about my thought of going to a bar. He laughed and then told me the best place for me would be this one which happened to be close to home. He said I would be "safe" there, the owner and staff look out for the patrons, plus we both happen to know the owner. We went to school with him! Small world.
Well same story I would try and just drive by the place, then I drove in the lot and parked, but ended up leaving. This went on for sometime. It became a big deal, I prayed about it and felt I needed to overcome this fear. We know where this kind of fear comes from. Well early this year I was determined to go, so one Saturday night I went out about 9, drove into the parking lot and parked, there were a lot of cars! This time I got out of my car, and walked to the door. I could hear the thump a thump a of the music. As I stood looking at the door trying to get the courage to walk in... The door swings open and a group of people come out and hold the door for me. So I guess I am going in.
Once in the bar I figure out where the drinks are ordered. I drank a soda. I sat at the bar for about an hour or so just taking it all in. People watching. what an experience! I decided I am going back. Since then I visited several of the bars, one I was not comfortable in at all and only stayed there a few minutes. The other I go to once in a while. But this one, the first one I visited has become a regular Friday night hang-out for me. I am comfortable there, welcomed, even known and its ok. Its nice being in the company of other GLBT folk. Its a place that serves good food as well. In this bar I experienced my first beer. My first dance, my first time singing in front of people not in church.
This place I go to sometimes twice a week, its fun! Its a part of my coming out journey.
Going to any bar much less a gay bar was so out there for me. There are about seven or eight gay bars in the area. some small others large. I decided I would go early and eat a meal at this one bar. I went about 6 on a Saturday...well all I did was drive through the parking lot. Several months went by and I spoke to a friend of mine about my thought of going to a bar. He laughed and then told me the best place for me would be this one which happened to be close to home. He said I would be "safe" there, the owner and staff look out for the patrons, plus we both happen to know the owner. We went to school with him! Small world.
Well same story I would try and just drive by the place, then I drove in the lot and parked, but ended up leaving. This went on for sometime. It became a big deal, I prayed about it and felt I needed to overcome this fear. We know where this kind of fear comes from. Well early this year I was determined to go, so one Saturday night I went out about 9, drove into the parking lot and parked, there were a lot of cars! This time I got out of my car, and walked to the door. I could hear the thump a thump a of the music. As I stood looking at the door trying to get the courage to walk in... The door swings open and a group of people come out and hold the door for me. So I guess I am going in.
Once in the bar I figure out where the drinks are ordered. I drank a soda. I sat at the bar for about an hour or so just taking it all in. People watching. what an experience! I decided I am going back. Since then I visited several of the bars, one I was not comfortable in at all and only stayed there a few minutes. The other I go to once in a while. But this one, the first one I visited has become a regular Friday night hang-out for me. I am comfortable there, welcomed, even known and its ok. Its nice being in the company of other GLBT folk. Its a place that serves good food as well. In this bar I experienced my first beer. My first dance, my first time singing in front of people not in church.
This place I go to sometimes twice a week, its fun! Its a part of my coming out journey.
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