Today I am thinking about the future. What does the future hold for our world? Deep question? The answer is simple..time will tell. The Scripture is clear that we should not worry, yet I find myself at times worried. Consider Jesus' words in Matt 7, "who by worry can add a single cubit to his life?" "let the days own trouble be sufficient for the day" Further I think of the pastoral epistles where it talks about the future, making our plans, without considering God or his will for our lives. I don't want to do that either. In Philipians 4:6-7 has the further direction about worry, "Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be known to God. The peace of God which surpasses comprehension will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus" Can it be any clearer? I just had to remind myself of that!

I had my annual evaluation at the Hospital this week. It was good and positive. Until we got to talk about where I am in my Master's program. Ugh! so Frustrating! The requirement for full time and most part time work in chaplaincy is the M. Div, plus 4 units of CPE and certification, no a real problem. Until you consider many of the jobs available are part time, many without benefits. Unless your able to be a department head or CPE supervisor. Most of the part time jobs want the M.div and certification. Plus I am still concerned about professional ministry and all it means to be living life as a gay man. That has held me back from completing my degree. A frustration... a worry.

I really want to have counseling as part of my background and be able to counsel as part of my ministry. Therefore I am considering putting the M.Div on hold and working on a shorter MA in counseling. Either community or school counseling. It would give me more opportunities I feel. opportunities to minister and both settings. I need to be able to use my gifts in either area.

So I am exploring the possibilities.

Employment Issues

Employment issues! For some time now I have been looking for a new job. Both in chaplaincy and secular. Mostly human services type jobs. I was on the short list for a job, but the company instituted a hiring freeze. My hours at the Hospital have been cut. I am getting 1 maybe 2 10 hour days a payperiod. The rest of the time I am on call. The only thing is, right now I am authorized to go in only when there has been a death. The hardest thing I ever had to do is tell a nurse "no I can not come in" when I was paged for a an ICU patient in crisis with hysterical family at bedside. Everything in me wanted to go in anyway. I hope the powers that be will change the rules and allow us to go in for codes and crisis as well. Something for a faithbased health system! They have their eyes off of the mission of Holistic care and on MONEY, the bottom line. Yes I am pissed.

I hope and pray to find more stable employment, something that challenges me, something that will meet my needs help provide for completing my master's. actually this maybe the Lord leading to something new. Something I have also been praying about. You see there is within me a discomfort with being in ministry and being involved in some of the activities that comes from living out my gay experience. Working out what it means for me to be gay. I donot want to be alone and celibate. Which I feel is normal for a gay man. It could lead me to the one for me.

Happy October This and That

Yes I am still around. If your a regular reader thanks, sorry I have not posted. nothing really on my mind to write...well yes there is a lot on my mind but finding the words right now is tough for some reason.

I love October, fall is my favorite time, halloween, thanksgiving then Christmas! Autumn colors, cooler tempts but oh my allergies!, oh my flu shot! AHHH good sleeping weather. Long walks. church fairs. The food!!! Even icecream LOL

I am giving thought to going to the local pride event. It would be my first "outing" like this. Although for me it might be too out, too local. Its called Out in the Park. Not sure what I am going to do. Depends if any of my close friends are going, safety in numbers kind of thing.

Oh the election! someone sent me this video I am placing a link here. There is a part of this where he answers a question about gay marriage.

John McCain vs. John McCain: Tell McCain to get off the Double Talk Express.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioy90nF2anI

Y'all have a good night

My Birthday

Saturday was my Birthday! It marked 48 years I have been on this earth. Hard to believe, but true. I did not do anything special, but go to dinner at the Outback. Then I had dessert at the club. It was a relaxing day.

My prayer on that day was one of thanks to my Lord for His faithfulness, His love, His grace. I have come so far from whence I came! I also prayed for my future, for God to lead me to knock on the right doors, and to have faith and strength to walk through the right one. How do people who do not have faith in their life do it? Jer 29:11

Thinking from whence I came. Every year on my birthday, I pause to reflect on my life. This year I am so different from who I was last year. By grace I am not who I was, growth has been larger than life. Finding peace with myself has been a blessing. Yet at the sametime there is still turmoil; I relate to the song I hear on KLove, "Lord what you are doing inside me feels like Kaos yet somehow there is peace" How true it is!

For anyone who might read this blog, no matter who you are. I believe God is real with all my heart, He loves you with an everlasting love, and has a purpose for you. He gives us all something to live for. take a moment to pause and pray, thinking from whence you came. Perhaps asking Jesus Christ to be your Lord for the first time.

As for me, The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, is the God of me. Amen

Soli Deo Gloria

A Lesson Learned

This is something I hesitate to blog, but this is why I have this blog. To be able to write about thoughts, feelings, and experiences. About a month and a half ago I met a guy at the club. He seemed interested and interesting. It turned out he gives massages for extra income on the side, "plus extra service". Well I was mildly intetrested, I enjoy a good massage, but I don't pay for sex. I decided not to take him up on his offer. Well it did not end there, he showed up the next week. To make a long story shorter, I paid him to give me a massage, but that was it. It was not the best or even the better massage than I have had. After this he again showed up at the club and began to bother me, wanting me to buy him drinks, ect. well I told him no, and moved to another area of the club. I basically dissed him. He persisted not only with me but was approaching others. I went to the owner of the club, who is a friend of mine, and told him. He was pissed and approached him and told him he could not hang out in there without buying something himself. He left. When I left he followed me almost to my complex. He had my phone number, Yeah I know I stupidly gave it to him. A lesson learned. He called my number about every hour, I turned my phone off, then turned the ringer off to his calls. The next time I was at the club I told the owner, who gave me a lecture about being more careful. Honestly I am careful, but some how this one got through. I also told my best friend, who lectured me also. That next Friday night he showed up again! This time he had someone with him but that person left. He followed me everywhere in the club I went. I finally told him to stop, I was not interested. The owner, one of the bouncers, and my best friend confronted him. He was told to leave and never come back there! They do not tolerate guys bothering patrons, especially regulars. The phone calls continued off and on up until last week, but I did not notice being followed or anything. Well maybe once. Now I think its over, Thank the Lord! A lesson learned.

Coming Out Again

Well I want to write and say it happened again! At the Assisted Living, with another director. this time the Marketing Director who is also from Europe. This is unique, and it also happened very naturally. Although I had stumbled to say it to her. I came out in much the same fashion as I did with the other director. When I said she was like...So whats the big deal?

Let give you some history with this lady. She is much younger in her mid 20's, married with 2 children, when I first started there she had only been there a short while. Our house keeping director took us on a tour to see the various apartments. When we were in IL, and looked at an empty place there, the rumor was started that the chaplain and his wife were moving into apt. 13! It has stuck as a joke around the place, at times folk we work with say tell your husband to take care of... your wife did so and so. Especially when she needs pastoral services for a resident she summon me like she is my wife.

Well she is safe to tell, both as a coworker and a friend. Unfortunately she will be leaving soon. Perhaps that is why I was able to tell her. I think I would have told her anyway. Plus she knew or at least suspected. Again have I become obvious?

It was a big relief to me to tell her, and we had a great conversation about it. It is amazing how open, accepting and affirming Europeans are to GLBT folk. Not all uptight like we Americans, especially the "christian" right or wrong however you look at it. I hope i am not being hateful saying that. Yesterday while stopped in the two of them cornered me and warned me not to come out to anyone else there for my protection. Well Duh!

Reality is I do have to be carefull to protect myself, my job, my future. Yet at the same time there is a part of me that does not care who knows. That could be dangerous I guess. Or is it?

9-11

Today as I think back on that morning; I remember in 2001. What a horrendous day that was! I recall coming home from an overnight at the Hospital, a tough night at that. I fell into bed and was sound asleep when I was awakened by a phone call from my boss. Telling me what had happened, and there was a recall of staff to the Hospital in case we needed to care for either victims or transfers from other facilities to make room for victims. Since I had worked the night before he put me on stand by.

There were no victims transfered to our area.

I remember the fear, the anger, the grief I felt. For a long time I could not watch programs about the attacks, only this year have I been able to watch the clips of the attacks. It still brings tears to my eyes.

We must never forget the events of 9-11-01, lest it happen again. I remember those who died innocently at the twin towers. No one I knew personally. Again no one I knew at the Pentagon. Then I think of the plane in Pennsylvania. How incredible they were to take action. They could very well have saved people at the Pentagon or perhaps even saved Capitol.

How life has changed, from airport security, military deployments, a war, even how one opens a post office box. or a bank account. In the back of my mind there is always the possibility that it could happen again. Whenever there is a large gathering or a busy shopping time, it crosses my mind. Yet I still go to the games, the malls, I am not going to limit what I do. I am going to live my life.

Politics

My sister sent me information she read in her local paper about the republican VP candidate Palin. Apparently her church is beginng a program to pray for homosexuals to be changed to Heterosexual. Now can you imagine that? They intend to do for me what I could not do through prayer all my life!! Now don't get me wrong, I am a believer in the power of prayer, and have seen God work miracles through it. However, prayer is NOT going to change who God intended a person to be. In essence change God's plan for a person? I don't think so.

Now in the past I voted predominantly, republican. Yeah I know how dumb is that? Well I never voted a one party ticket. I vote for the person and issue not the party. I cannot support a candidate whose party platform encourages any form of hate of any group. I have come to "fear" the "religious right" notice I did not call them Christian. The type of thing we are hearing is not only hate but religious persecution. I will not support that. This candidate seems to do just that. I still have quams about Obama though, I am praying about that.

Labor Day This and That

Labor 2008 was different. My first in this apartment. I got home from my overnight at the Hospital intent on resting until the picnic. Well two Mormon missionaries woke me out of a sound sleep. I was a little annoyed, there is a no solicitation policy in the complex. Still I spoke to them about my faith, and listened to them a few minutes before telling them I needed to get back to wait I was doing.

The picnic was nice, I went and saw folks I had not seen in quite sometime. The food was good and the time was enjoyable. I was able to catch up with what was going on with people I knew and their children. So that was my old home week shot in the arm until Christmas.

I was relieved to hear the hurricane did not hit as a cat 4 or 3. I think an answer to prayer. Still nothing to sneeze at! still a lot of damage. Now where is Hannah going? I hope it waffles to a tropical depression and gives needed rain to the southeast. Just no damageing winds or floods. Please Lord! Hear our prayer!

September is here! Autum is favorite time of year. The cooler temps, color of the leaves, my birthday, harvest celebrations, the acorn festival, church bazars, Halloween, Thanksgiving then Christmas. I love it all. What fun!

I do so want to enjoy life, have fun. I need to have fun, after years of being a stick in the mud, just existing, working, caregiving, working some more. Now I hope is my time. I have decisions to make about my future, about continuing my education. I am praying on that. I still think I need to have my income and work situations more stable. Its all part of working out my life, my sexuality, my salvation.

Hurricanes Big and Bad

Living along the east coast, we have the opportunity to experience hurrincanes up close an personal. Isabel was nothing to sneeze at, the damage it caused to northeast North Carolina and the southestern portion of Virginia took months to recover from. In the Tidewater area we have the sound to the south, the ocean to the east and the bay to the northeast. So flooding from three directions as the storm moves through. Yet all the problems we experienced during Isabel are nothing compared to the destruction Katrina brought to the gulf coast states. They are still rebuilding and recovering from its lasting impact. The lives that were lost, the illness it caused, the loss of livlihood, home, possesions, history. I cannot imagine, yet it can happen anywhere any time. By hurricane, tornado, bad thunderstorm.

Here we are again, facing another monster storm! The gulf coast states facing a direct hit. How horrendous. I feel helpless. Yet I am not, I can pray, I am praying. Please join me in praying for this storm to diminish in strength and size. To veer away from any land and go to sea and fizzle out. Join me in praying for the preparations, for the evacuees, those in the helping roles, for leaders. Pray for protection. There are other storms out there, it could happen anywhere.

Another Coming Out (of sorts)

OMG!!! What a day yesterday was. I walked into the office of our housekeeping director at the assisted Living where I am Chaplain part time. She is from Europe, and is in a bi-racial marriage of 25 years. We have a lot of conversations about her family, her employees. Well yesterday I was sharing some work related issues with her, and concerns about the future. Nothing specific about my sexuality. She turned to me and said, "This is 2008, don't you think its time you stop worrying about what people think, and just enjoy living your life and be who you are?" I just looked at her and thought she knows!!! She went on to say something about ministry that who I am should not impact my ability to minister. In fact dealing with it would make me a better minister. Also that if I am not accepted, then change my audience go where I am accepted and minister there.

We talked about it, and she told me the employees here know, or they suspect and its OK. It makes me human to them, not someone who has to be walked around very carefully. she also mentioned there are others here who are gay as well. yes, I know at least 1 for sure. After that I don't remember much else about the conversation. I wonder have I become obvious?

I am still processing this, its quite a journey. But for someone to say its OK, be who you are in the way she did I think is significant.

The Invitation

Well the mail came today and in it was an invitation to a "Summer Get Together" from Miss Betty! This brings up so many memories, and emotions. Let me explain who she is... my Sunday School teacher from the time I joined my home church till the time I started college. She also led the youth department I was a part of. Otherwords a right good while! I was part of this church as a member, and staff member. The church was a large and unique SBC church in our city. I say unique it was annointed in the respect that we had many visitors every week and people would hear and respond to the gospel message weekly. It was quite a shock for me when I went on staff at another church it found what I was used to was not the "norm". This church family gave me my beginings in spiritual things, (that is besides what my mother gave me) set me on a firm foundation as it were. One on which I rely today. At the same time it also bound me up with regard to my sexuality, not so much the church but the tradition in which the church stood. This coupled with family things kept me bound up until my late thirties. The people who will be at this get together are folk who I consider family. They nurtured me, saw me through some very difficult times, watched me grow up, some grew up with me. Some were parents to me, certainly Miss Betty and her husband are.

I live in the area where its easy for me to go. I have not seen but one or two of these people since Christmas. This year I have really come out, but not generally. Though some may suspect the don't KNOW. If they did I am not sure I would have been invited. The old catch 22, I would like for these people to understand my rainbow fish journey. Yet I know that will never happen. I sit here with tears in my eyes saying that. Yes I have changed, I am so far from where I have been. Yet I am still the same person. Is that person they remember the real me?
One obvious change they will see right off, is the goatee I have grown. Some will be shocked by that! Good! So I am going to go to this get together. I will enjoy the food, the company and conversation. They don't need to know what has changed me, just that I am grown up in more ways than they know.