Monday Medley: In The Light & Ocean Floor, fighter

A good Monday to you! Its an overcast, cool-ish day in my part of the world today.  Work and more work seems to be the order of the day.  I have my evaluation today, always an ordeal with particular organization and director.  I will get through it.  I remind myself, God is in control he is my provider and no one else.

Today we have a medley of three songs, two are a repeat from earlier medleys, today they just seem to go together for me.  Guess my mood today after three days of giving care and another night of work tonight ahead of me.  Sometimes my work brings significant meaning to those with whom I see which is meaningful for me, other times its seems like why am I here? Sometimes like at 0200 this morning, I'm just there to document I was there. I'd would rather have stayed home asleep, or watching TV with my roommate.  However, this is provision for my life, and the work I am able to do at this point in my life, so duty calls!

Hope you enjoy these.


http://youtu.be/17czYG1Fdog

http://youtu.be/DFeHik5lBBw

http://youtu.be/bxV-OOIamyk

A Sunday Note

Just wanted to post a note that I have not forgotten my relationship wrap up post.  Writing and editing this particular post has been slow going due to schedule and trying to say what I want the way it should be stated. 

Tomorrow I will post a Monday Medley, and continue work on the wrap up.  Here it is already the end of September, how time is passing quickly. Soon fall activities and holidays will be in full swing.  I am not prepared for it this year.

Please keep following.  Thanks

Monday Medley on Tuesday: Let it Rain Over Me

This past weekend was a marathon.  Then I had three calls on Sunday night, and had a meeting on Monday.  Needless to say I was one tired person; But I had a very pleasant afternoon and evening Monday.

Music is fun, I listen to a wide range of music depending on my mood.  I used to listen to only the christian stations.  That has changed, now as my life has opened to a wide range of people, experiences, and situations, so has my taste in music. with the exception of country, still don't like country.


I am still working on my final post for That Relationship Thing, so keep looking for that in the next day or so.

http://youtu.be/SmM0653YvXU

I think Mark Anthony is cute

That Relationship Thing: A Boyfriend

In continuing my writing on relationships, I would like to share a success.  Several years ago I had a lunch date with a guy that turned into a relationship which lasted a little over a year.  Until it was time for him to return to his native country to continue his career and care for his parents.

We both knew in the back of our minds that day would come, but it did not stop us from enjoying the time we had together. This also made it easier when time came for him to leave. It was not a live in life partner type of arrangement, rather we saw other as often as possible.  At times during that year it was on again off again, but some how we always ended up together. Our relationship solidified for me my peace and satisfaction with my sexuality.  This was possible, it was was a good thing, I was happy.  There was love in our relationship, that I had not experienced before. 

He was in his 20's, I in my 40's, age and race are not issues for me.as long as one is of age and  old enough to know who they are or well on the way to that place, and know what the they want. Yet he was very mature for his age, and could hold an intelligent conversation on issues from geopolitical situations, cultural events, investing, to spiritual issues.  He was in this country on a work visa to complete a year long management residency.   He was so open about everything, I often had to warn him about being too out with his coworkers, neighbors. One time we were out to eat and ran into one of his bosses, he introduced me as his boyfriend.   He finally learned the lesson the hard way, fortunately he was not hurt in the process. 

Often I had to explain things to him with regards to our laws, and our culture.  One time he received a letter from the DMV, and thought they were going to take his car away.  I explained about paying his taxes, and renewing his car registration. He also helped me see a lighter side of life, and my sexuality.  Its no surprise I often take myself, and the issues I have too seriously.

Experiencing a relationship helped me know that is what I want to have in my life again.  It is what I hope for in the long term.  Someone special to me, for me.  Someone in my corner, who knows me well. 

The day came it was time for him to leave, it was a sad, bittersweet moment.  I still hear from him from time to time via email.

Next Wrapping it all up.






 

Today is My Birthday

Well another birthday is here! Wow!  I was reflecting on my life this morning, and how far I have come.  All I can say is, I am thankful. 

Jeremiah 29:11 is my word for today:

 "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, Plans not for calamity, but for your welfare.  To give you a future and a HOPE"

A Hope! 

I honestly do not know how to celebrate this year.  Its bitter sweet without my mother.  This evening I have two meetings at the Hospital so a nice dinner somewhere is not possible.  Maybe a lunch.  I may wait until Saturday to fix my favorite meal or go out to eat. 

That Relationship Thing: This is Dating?

Dating is like a bag of mixed nuts, you reach in and grab one and never know what your going to get.   I have dated some over the past few years, and met some very interesting and very nice guys.  A few crazies, some gay men are worse than a menstruating woman, sorry ladies.

Most of the time a "date" for me starts from an email or chat online and moves to a face to face meeting at a place where food is served. Some of these dates end there, with no further conversation. Either I'm not what he his looking for, or expecting or he is not for me.  Although I am always open to friendship and conversation. Others continue with more chatting, texting, calling and maybe another date. In the interest of keeping it real, hook ups happen, one is only human.  Rarely do I meet someone in public and end up asking or being asked on a date.  Especially with the work I do, it just does not happen. I would like to share here a few dating experiences that stick out in my mind.

Once when I was living in another part of the state, I had a series of conversations with a guy on the phone that I thought were leading up to a date. Until he brought up the subject of religion, he was a church goer, but struggled with his sexuality and faith. I did not tell him about my work, I was saving that until I knew him better. All I said was I had the same struggle which at that time I did.  He went off and told me I would have to choose between him and my faith. Say What??? Where did that come from???  I told him I could not, nor should I have to do that and he angrily hung up on me. Chalk that one up to experience.

Another guy I talked with on the phone for a few weeks, we had a few serious conversations about life and what we were looking for. We met once for lunch and I was hopeful, until he started acting like we were a couple after one lunch together.  He became possessive calling me wanting to know where I was, who I was with, and so on. That was a turn off, what if we became a couple? What would that be like? I told him how I felt about his questioning andthat i did not think it would work out.  So that was the end of that and I was relieved!  There have been a number of dates that have led to continued friendships. But so far not to the love of my life, my life partner.

There is a good friend in my life that I met this way. It started as an email chat.  Actually I initiated the chat because I liked what I read in his profile.  He was looking for friendship and a relationship, had some witty saying and sounded attractive to me.  That email started a chat that led to texts and phone conversations.  Which in turn led to a meeting at a local Barnes and Noble Cafe.  He told me about a year later, that had I not called him an hour before our meeting to verify it, he was not going to show up.  Well he did show up, and we talked for four and half to five hours.  It did not seem like five hours at all to me, but we closed the store. As they say the rest is history. Today he is one of my closest friends.  A few months ago he called me and we got to talking, and kept on talking.  I fixed my soup and sandwich, he fixed his fish, and we ate "together" over the phone.  That conversation lasted three hours.  Again it did not seem like three hours to me, it flew by.  There is no one else I talk to like that and I am thankful for his friendship. 

There was a date I had a few years ago that led to a relationship.  Next post titled A Boyfriend! 

Monday Medley: Break Your Heart & Like A Heart Attack. A Question

Happy Monday! Well its happy for me since I just completed 72 hours of work. No extra hours this week, at least not as of today, that can change though.  Today's medley sort of goes along with my writing about relationships. 

A question for you.. Is it normal for love to hurt, like an ache?

Break your Heart Taio Cruz
http://youtu.be/y_SI2EDM6Lo  

Heart Attack Trey Songz (Language Warning)
http://youtu.be/nmY2mvpwg38

Next Is This Dating?

That Relationship Thing: Unrequited Love (Revised)

There is someone in my life today who has been a good friend for a number of years.  He knew I am gay before I came to the place in my life where I accepted it.  He actually helped with some of my coming out.

He gave me support at a time in my life I needed it most. There is just one thing. At one point after I found peace to be who I am, I found myself falling in love with my friend. I fell hard for him too. At first, there was mutual attraction, but what I wanted he did not want. For a while it was very difficult and painful to deal with. Another friend helped me understand and find the skills to cope. In time I decided, our friendship was important to me and I wanted to keep this friend in my life. Those feelings remained under the surface for a period of time, but I worked to keep the bigger picture in my mind. Today he continues to be one of my closest friends. We love to laugh, shop, eat, and just enjoy each others company when we can. I still love him, but in a different way, he is family to me. Now I think the romance could ever be rekindled?  If things were to change, anything is possible.  Do I think it will ever happen?  I don't know. Am I waiting around for it to happen? No, that would be wrong.

My point in sharing this that love is what is important.  Those things done out of love, in a relationship of any type are what bond us together. For most I my life, by default, I was sheltered from the ups and downs of romance by my limited engagement. By a closeted existance.  Though through the coming out process, I had been on "dates"  there had never been anything serious up to this point. Now I had experienced a falling in love, and the disappointment that could happen. It was a life lesson.  What do I want? Who do I want to be and be with?  Not sure I have fully answered either of those question since I have discovered I am growing.  What I want tends to change as I grow.

What to share next?  Is this a date?
 

Happy Birthday to My Nephew Today!

A big shout out to my nephew!  He  is 24 today!  Happy Birthday, hope your day is filled with all the things and people you treasure most!

24 ah to be 24 again but know what I know now!

 

That Relationship Thing: Adendum to Romance

In the last post, I failed to address the relationships that are truly Monogamous.  Those who stay faithful to one another because of love, and commitment. There ARE those successful relationships in the gay community, we just don't hear too much about them because they work.  I have no idea what percentage of the LGBT community are in long term committed relationships of the type described above.

Any relationship, whether a close friendship, a love relationship takes work on both sides.  It takes communication, the ability to give and take, and so much more.  A follower of this blog has shared his story with me about what works in his marriage.  Love outweighs the road blocks, brings surprises, and makes the commitment work.  The key is Love.  Finding and keeping that kind of love is something worth working for.

Question: Does the love of my life truly exist? Or is love for now the reality?

Next post I plan to share some of my personal journey.


 

That Relationship Thing; What About Romance?

When it comes to romance, like everything else in life it can get very messy, and complicated in a hurry. There are all kinds of romantic entanglements in life.  We find everything from a one night stand, a “no strings attached” sex partner, a friend with benefits, to a serious love relationship with variations of all the above.  There are strictly platonic, monogamous, and open relationships.   All these are alive and well in 2012 no matter what your sexual preference.  It all depends what one wishes for, but finding anyone of these can lead to frustration, disappointment, and heartbreak.

I am acquainted with several gay couples who have relationships like listed above. One thinks of themselves as monogamous, but in reality they are not.  They know they are not; it’s ok as long as the other does not “know” about anything his partner does outside their relationship and vice versa.  These two went to Las Vegas and exchanged rings in a commitment ceremony, and they have been together 15 years.  Another couple has been together 12 years, are in an open relationship.  This apparently works for them; this is not what I am looking for.  Though at one time, I thought I could consider an open relationship for the “right” man.  In honesty, If one came along, I might still consider it…for love, could I handle this? I don’t know.

Another aspect I read about and hear about is the amount of cheating that goes on. Even among “committed” couples.  Some say its “natural” to cheat, it helps the relationship.   It seems there is an idea of finding out what the next guy has to offer, even though there is some kind of “love” between one and the current guy.  There seems to be unsettledness in life. There is also the concept that, “I’m going to cheat on him before he cheats on me. Or because I know he is cheating” There are a few others I am acquainted with who work hard at their commitment and relationships and it works out.  The common thread among these couples who have stayed together is a commitment to each other that is grounded by love for each other.  One calls it an unconditional love.  

Another thing I have seen both in those I have chatted with, and in my work at the Hospitals.  There is an amount of abuse in relationships.  The abuse can be emotional, financial, physical or a combination of all three. Sometimes it is “put up with” because he loves me, or I need him.  Who else will have me?  I don’t care; there is no excuse for abuse, or living with abuse if one is aware of it.

Another aspect in gay relationships are the number of married men, who think of themselves as “straight or bisexual” who sneak off to have affairs with gay men.  There are quite a few, most justify it by saying they can’t help themselves.  In my opinion, they are in denial and lying to themselves, their wives, and lovers about their sexuality.  I don’t believe in bisexuality, I never hear of gay men of sneak off to have an affair with a woman.  Some legitimately have not dealt with their sexuality, and find themselves at a stage in life where they are confronted with it. They don’t know how to handle it.

As you can see life relationships, romantic entanglements can be messy, complicated and a lot of work. But I believe they are worth the effort, they are needed and essential to living a full life.  Gay or straight.

Next That Relationship Thing: My Personal Story. 

That Relationship Thing, Part I

This post has been rattling around in my mind and in Word for sometime now. Its long, in fact it will be broken into several posts not sure how many.Writing helps me get my thoughts and feelings out and expressed. Its been awhile since I posted anything about my personal goals, hope, or dream. Not sure this will be published in its entirety either. I still have hope for a long term relationship with a guy who will fall in love with me and I him. That will lead to a long term loving, and committed relationship. 

Interpersonal Relations
 There are many types of relationships we have in life, it does not matter who we are, or where we come from. Some relationships we choose, some we don't.  Those we don't choose are family, and coworkers,(other than the choice of a job) now on what level we relate with this group is up to us.  Some family we can be vulnerable with, others we dare not risk being vulnerable with. Its up to the individual how close one relates.

The Real friend
We have friends, those we consider acquaintances, those we consider friends, and those with whom we are very close. Often times our friends are known as the family we choose, especially those who stay with us through thick and thin. Who are willing to tell us what they think,  to tell us the truth regardless how we react. I am reminded of a proverb, "the wounds of a friend are faithful, the kisses of an enemy cause deceit and destruction" In other words they are free to take risks with us. We are free to take risks with them as well.  Both persons in this relationship benefit from the love and care of  a real friend. 

My Working Relationships
For me, my work situation, limits how vulnerable I can be. Indeed in the workplace it is wise to keep a certain distance from your customer.  My Coworkers directly in my department are in a situation where a certain amount of vulnerability goes with the territory. I have coworkers in my office who learned quite a bit about me over the years.  Some from clinical training days. They may suspect I am gay, but only 3 know for certain. Two are no longer working there, and they were in a position that was "easy" for them to suspect and or figure it out. One, my CPE supervisor told me "I read like a book" Still though my work is clinical, it is church related in a sense and therefore "don't ask, Don't tell is alive and well.

 In my work, I am charged with keeping confidentiality at the highest level possible. People tell me things.  It would be imprudent of me to allow myself to be too open.  Especially with regards to my sexuality. In some cases being too "out" can create a wall and hinder working with people. It can also cost a high price in terms of work opportunities, as I have recently experienced. I don't need to be vulnerable in those situations. Relationships in church are just like those in the workplace. One must be careful how vulnerable to be.

For me, I am blessed to have friends who Ilove and care about and who care about me.  The few who I can truly be myself with are also gay.  They pretty much know me, I can usually share and they tell me the truth straight up. I don't always listen, and have found that I should have. Could have saved me some heart ache, but I'm a hard headed bitch sometimes.  :)

Next Installment What about Romance?