Monday Medley: Break Your Heart & Like A Heart Attack. A Question

Happy Monday! Well its happy for me since I just completed 72 hours of work. No extra hours this week, at least not as of today, that can change though.  Today's medley sort of goes along with my writing about relationships. 

A question for you.. Is it normal for love to hurt, like an ache?

Break your Heart Taio Cruz
http://youtu.be/y_SI2EDM6Lo  

Heart Attack Trey Songz (Language Warning)
http://youtu.be/nmY2mvpwg38

Next Is This Dating?

That Relationship Thing: Unrequited Love (Revised)

There is someone in my life today who has been a good friend for a number of years.  He knew I am gay before I came to the place in my life where I accepted it.  He actually helped with some of my coming out.

He gave me support at a time in my life I needed it most. There is just one thing. At one point after I found peace to be who I am, I found myself falling in love with my friend. I fell hard for him too. At first, there was mutual attraction, but what I wanted he did not want. For a while it was very difficult and painful to deal with. Another friend helped me understand and find the skills to cope. In time I decided, our friendship was important to me and I wanted to keep this friend in my life. Those feelings remained under the surface for a period of time, but I worked to keep the bigger picture in my mind. Today he continues to be one of my closest friends. We love to laugh, shop, eat, and just enjoy each others company when we can. I still love him, but in a different way, he is family to me. Now I think the romance could ever be rekindled?  If things were to change, anything is possible.  Do I think it will ever happen?  I don't know. Am I waiting around for it to happen? No, that would be wrong.

My point in sharing this that love is what is important.  Those things done out of love, in a relationship of any type are what bond us together. For most I my life, by default, I was sheltered from the ups and downs of romance by my limited engagement. By a closeted existance.  Though through the coming out process, I had been on "dates"  there had never been anything serious up to this point. Now I had experienced a falling in love, and the disappointment that could happen. It was a life lesson.  What do I want? Who do I want to be and be with?  Not sure I have fully answered either of those question since I have discovered I am growing.  What I want tends to change as I grow.

What to share next?  Is this a date?
 

Happy Birthday to My Nephew Today!

A big shout out to my nephew!  He  is 24 today!  Happy Birthday, hope your day is filled with all the things and people you treasure most!

24 ah to be 24 again but know what I know now!

 

That Relationship Thing: Adendum to Romance

In the last post, I failed to address the relationships that are truly Monogamous.  Those who stay faithful to one another because of love, and commitment. There ARE those successful relationships in the gay community, we just don't hear too much about them because they work.  I have no idea what percentage of the LGBT community are in long term committed relationships of the type described above.

Any relationship, whether a close friendship, a love relationship takes work on both sides.  It takes communication, the ability to give and take, and so much more.  A follower of this blog has shared his story with me about what works in his marriage.  Love outweighs the road blocks, brings surprises, and makes the commitment work.  The key is Love.  Finding and keeping that kind of love is something worth working for.

Question: Does the love of my life truly exist? Or is love for now the reality?

Next post I plan to share some of my personal journey.


 

That Relationship Thing; What About Romance?

When it comes to romance, like everything else in life it can get very messy, and complicated in a hurry. There are all kinds of romantic entanglements in life.  We find everything from a one night stand, a “no strings attached” sex partner, a friend with benefits, to a serious love relationship with variations of all the above.  There are strictly platonic, monogamous, and open relationships.   All these are alive and well in 2012 no matter what your sexual preference.  It all depends what one wishes for, but finding anyone of these can lead to frustration, disappointment, and heartbreak.

I am acquainted with several gay couples who have relationships like listed above. One thinks of themselves as monogamous, but in reality they are not.  They know they are not; it’s ok as long as the other does not “know” about anything his partner does outside their relationship and vice versa.  These two went to Las Vegas and exchanged rings in a commitment ceremony, and they have been together 15 years.  Another couple has been together 12 years, are in an open relationship.  This apparently works for them; this is not what I am looking for.  Though at one time, I thought I could consider an open relationship for the “right” man.  In honesty, If one came along, I might still consider it…for love, could I handle this? I don’t know.

Another aspect I read about and hear about is the amount of cheating that goes on. Even among “committed” couples.  Some say its “natural” to cheat, it helps the relationship.   It seems there is an idea of finding out what the next guy has to offer, even though there is some kind of “love” between one and the current guy.  There seems to be unsettledness in life. There is also the concept that, “I’m going to cheat on him before he cheats on me. Or because I know he is cheating” There are a few others I am acquainted with who work hard at their commitment and relationships and it works out.  The common thread among these couples who have stayed together is a commitment to each other that is grounded by love for each other.  One calls it an unconditional love.  

Another thing I have seen both in those I have chatted with, and in my work at the Hospitals.  There is an amount of abuse in relationships.  The abuse can be emotional, financial, physical or a combination of all three. Sometimes it is “put up with” because he loves me, or I need him.  Who else will have me?  I don’t care; there is no excuse for abuse, or living with abuse if one is aware of it.

Another aspect in gay relationships are the number of married men, who think of themselves as “straight or bisexual” who sneak off to have affairs with gay men.  There are quite a few, most justify it by saying they can’t help themselves.  In my opinion, they are in denial and lying to themselves, their wives, and lovers about their sexuality.  I don’t believe in bisexuality, I never hear of gay men of sneak off to have an affair with a woman.  Some legitimately have not dealt with their sexuality, and find themselves at a stage in life where they are confronted with it. They don’t know how to handle it.

As you can see life relationships, romantic entanglements can be messy, complicated and a lot of work. But I believe they are worth the effort, they are needed and essential to living a full life.  Gay or straight.

Next That Relationship Thing: My Personal Story. 

That Relationship Thing, Part I

This post has been rattling around in my mind and in Word for sometime now. Its long, in fact it will be broken into several posts not sure how many.Writing helps me get my thoughts and feelings out and expressed. Its been awhile since I posted anything about my personal goals, hope, or dream. Not sure this will be published in its entirety either. I still have hope for a long term relationship with a guy who will fall in love with me and I him. That will lead to a long term loving, and committed relationship. 

Interpersonal Relations
 There are many types of relationships we have in life, it does not matter who we are, or where we come from. Some relationships we choose, some we don't.  Those we don't choose are family, and coworkers,(other than the choice of a job) now on what level we relate with this group is up to us.  Some family we can be vulnerable with, others we dare not risk being vulnerable with. Its up to the individual how close one relates.

The Real friend
We have friends, those we consider acquaintances, those we consider friends, and those with whom we are very close. Often times our friends are known as the family we choose, especially those who stay with us through thick and thin. Who are willing to tell us what they think,  to tell us the truth regardless how we react. I am reminded of a proverb, "the wounds of a friend are faithful, the kisses of an enemy cause deceit and destruction" In other words they are free to take risks with us. We are free to take risks with them as well.  Both persons in this relationship benefit from the love and care of  a real friend. 

My Working Relationships
For me, my work situation, limits how vulnerable I can be. Indeed in the workplace it is wise to keep a certain distance from your customer.  My Coworkers directly in my department are in a situation where a certain amount of vulnerability goes with the territory. I have coworkers in my office who learned quite a bit about me over the years.  Some from clinical training days. They may suspect I am gay, but only 3 know for certain. Two are no longer working there, and they were in a position that was "easy" for them to suspect and or figure it out. One, my CPE supervisor told me "I read like a book" Still though my work is clinical, it is church related in a sense and therefore "don't ask, Don't tell is alive and well.

 In my work, I am charged with keeping confidentiality at the highest level possible. People tell me things.  It would be imprudent of me to allow myself to be too open.  Especially with regards to my sexuality. In some cases being too "out" can create a wall and hinder working with people. It can also cost a high price in terms of work opportunities, as I have recently experienced. I don't need to be vulnerable in those situations. Relationships in church are just like those in the workplace. One must be careful how vulnerable to be.

For me, I am blessed to have friends who Ilove and care about and who care about me.  The few who I can truly be myself with are also gay.  They pretty much know me, I can usually share and they tell me the truth straight up. I don't always listen, and have found that I should have. Could have saved me some heart ache, but I'm a hard headed bitch sometimes.  :)

Next Installment What about Romance?

My Last Word on Chik Fil A

My last word on Chik Fil A.  I find it so interesting to think about the various aspects of this controversy.  Consider the belief systems of both sides that drive strong feelings and reactions. Consider the political debate about the issue of gay marriage in our country.  Consider the financing of lobby groups, political candidates, anti-gay marriage groups, and those who support gay marriage. Consider how we as a  gay community spend our hard earned dollars with companies who have negative or positive policies based on sexual orientation. 

My friend and roommate, who follows this blog, gave me the following cartoon about this

 

Again consider the belief system of this owner, and we have to ask what makes us in the gay community so surprised and outraged enough to protest, boycott, this company?  To be honest, I always liked their product and did not think about how my sexual orientation would be received.  Nor considered how the money I spend there might be used politically against me.  Yet I was not surprised by the statement of the CEO. So many seemed to be surprised.  I have to ask, how many franchisees, and employees of this company are gay? How are they dealing with this? or does it even concern them? I'm sure it did not surprise them.

 

 

A second picture I gleaned off  a blog I follow, Micheal In Norfolk, his blog is in my blog list.  check his blog out, its very informative.

 

 

I don't know where he found this picture or where  this store is or if it was photo shopped, either way I  find it offensive. If a real store sign,and I had been a customer here, I would not be again.  That goes for any company that purposefully propagates hate of any kind toward any individual or group. Hate takes on many forms.

 

So for the foreseeable future, I do not plan to eat at Chik fil a, unless I REALLY want their waffle fries.  I can get a good chicken sandwich elsewhere.

 

Hate of any person or group in any form is not of God, is not "Christian" and I cannot support a hate group or company. Nor can I hate in return but I am only human. So when I see hate like this, I have to figure out a healthy way to respond. This blog is part of that. 

 

 

Monday Medley on Tuesday!

Well today is a start, I have actually unpacked somethings. Had my first expereince using the washer and dryer here. Today I am preparing a post I will share tomorrow.  I'm not gonna say more, Im still researching a bit.  Please check back.

Today's song My heart skips a beat. Ollie Murs, Chiddy Bang

 http://youtu.be/fqXWsFg7tI8

Happy Labor Day 2012 :The day of the American Worker

Happy Labor Day 2012, I hope this day finds you and yours healthy, happy, fed, and EMPLOYED.  With so many people still looking for work, and so many have had to take jobs paying less than they were making before the recession. 

Today I pray for those who are looking for work, those who have taken jobs for less, those who have given up to be encouraged.  I pray for the American dream to be rekindled in the life of this country.
I pray blessings on the laborers of this country.

In a few months we will have the opportunity to vote for what we want for this country.  On this Labor Day, I want to encourage you to consider carefully which politcal platform best represents your views, hopes, and dreams for our country. Please get registered to vote, and go vote in November.

But today, celebrate the opportunity to work toward your dreams, hope and goals.

HAPPY LABOR DAY! 

I'M BAAAK...I THINK

Please excuse my absence from the blogoshere of late.  With the move and work schedule, I have not had much time for blogging.  Yet my mind races with things to blog about, so over the next few days I will attempt to blog these.

First, there is work!  My work schedule is crazy, I have been asked by more than one person how I keep track of it and how I do it.  The only answer I have is, I just do it.  Then usually pay a price for privately, either by not being available or physically able to do something I would like to. Fortunately, I have been blessed with a couple of good friends who seem to be able to get me out and about when I really need it. My work hours are either feast or famine, right now I'm in a "feast'... but  I am sooo tired. Last night was the first night in several weeks I was on call that I did not have even one call.  However, I was up and out at the crack of dawn to work, and the pages started as I was en route.  Then it was one crisis after another up until my relief arrived. I did not have the chance to round on the patient floors. So since I had the opportunity to leave early I did,  and napped for a few hours.

This feast will continue through the weekend, with an 8 hour in house shift tomorrow, then on-call through Saturday morning.  Then two 10 hour in house shifts, ending the weekend with an on call shift.

Next week the new CPE students start so the feast will end.  I just hope to be able to maintain the regular hours I have. I also hope to be able to substitute teach some. it would be different from anything I have done, and who knows where it might lead.

Stay tuned for future issues!


 

Monday Medley: I Just Can't Get Enough

Today is the final day of my lease, the final cleanings took place, I gave a whole bunch of things I don't use, have no room for at the new place.
The past few weeks have been exciting, starting a new adventure, a different place.  It has also been a little sad in some ways.  I am determined not to dwell on that.  It's time to move on from those thoughts, and experiences.  I may write more about that later.
 Hope you enjoy today's music selection.

http://youtu.be/OrTyD7rjBpw

Monday Medley: Usher and Pending Move

Good Monday! Two more days until I move to a new apartment! I'm ready emotionally, but not particularly with everything.  I'm not making a big deal about this move. One different aspect of this move is the addition of a room-mate.  Never thought I would have a room-mate, but I believe this is the right person for me to share an apartment with. The right time and so forth.

Today, I want to share a song by one of my favorite performers... Usher.  I hope you enjoy!

 http://youtu.be/xiJt1fSVY2E